


Hana Ni Nare

by mocicat



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Angst, Drama, Feelings Realization, Friends to Lovers, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-04-20 05:42:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 45,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14254230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mocicat/pseuds/mocicat
Summary: From the first time they met, Yuzuru Hanyu had laid his eyes for Javier Fernandez.  Things got complicated when his feelings involved and the flower petals started to come.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> CatsAndSugars here! :)
> 
> I've just discovered this fandom around 2 months ago after watching Olympics.
> 
> I've fallen in love with Yuzuru and Javier. And then I started discovering everything about Yuzuru/Javier related thing and soon I've found myself sucked into the rabbit hole. And then I started reading fanfics about them and then suddenly I want to write one too. (sorry for too much 'and' lol).
> 
> The title is based on one of Yuzuru's ex "Hana Ni Nare". I love that program so much. I love the song too, it's an inspiring song but at the same time it's a bit sad for me, don't know, maybe because of the melody and the chord progressions, or maybe the way the singer sang that song. And it kinda inspired me to make a fic with the same title.
> 
> This is my first Yuzuru/Javier fanfic. English isn't my first language so firstly I'm sorry for any mistakes in spelling, grammar, etc.  
> Happy reading! :)
> 
> CatsAndSugars

 

Since the first time Yuzuru saw Javier in person, at Rostelecom Cup 2011, he felt an admiration towards the Spaniard. You know, those charming smile, and he looked like someone who was easy to befriend with. When he watched his practice and his performance at the competition, he was impressed. The quads Javier had done was so clean. He suddenly wanted to learn about it, because he wanted everything to be perfect for his next performances.

  
Right after winning bronze at the Worlds 2012, Yuzuru uttered his plan to change coach. His current coach, Nanami Abe, wasn't too surprised about it, she knew about Yuzuru's strong desire for his skating, and he liked challenges. It was for his own best too, so she didn't stop him, even she encouraged him to. Yuzuru started looking for the contact of Brian Orser, Javier's coach. He wrote an email to him. His English was pretty bad so Yumi, his mother, helped him writing it since she had better English. He had told Yumi about his plan to change coach and train abroad. She hesitated at first because Canada was so far away. But then she allowed him, and she planned to move there with him. When the email was finished, he sent it and waiting for a reply for a few days. He told Brian that he wanted him to be his coach. So he had asked him to come to Japan to sort the things out. Then the reply came, telling that Brian agreed to come to Japan in a few days.

  
At Japan, Brian was taken to a hotel. He met Yuzuru there, accompanied by his mother and a few people he didn't know. He actually didn't expect that it was that young Japanese skater whom he would meet. Yuzuru introduced himself and explain the reason why he asked Brian to come to Japan.

 

“Why would you want to come with me?”

  
"I want to train with you, want to train with Javier Fernandez."

  
“What makes you want to train with him?”

  
"I see his quads, he good, looks easy."

  
After a quite long discussion, they finally came to an agreement.

  
"Alright, Mr. Hanyu. I agree to be your coach. But I have to ask you to wait, two or three days. I have to ask Fernandez first. If he agrees to this new arrangement, then you can come soon. If he doesn't, we have to rearrange, then."

  
“Yes, Mr. Orser. Thank you.”

 

The next day, Brian returned to Canada. He immediately met Javier at the club to ask about the new arrangement.

  
"I've just come back from Japan. There's a skater who wants to come, he wants me to coach him. I just want to talk to you about it to see if you're okay," Brian explained.

  
“Who is it?”

  
“It’s Yuzuru Hanyu.”

  
Javier was slightly surprised, not expecting that, considering that that Japanese skater was technically his rival.

  
“Oh, that’s fine with me.”

  
“You sure?”

  
“Yeah.”

  
"Okay, then. Actually, I asked him to wait first because I have to ask you if you agree or not. If you said no I'll rearrange. Since you agree about that then I'm gonna tell him and you can expect him to be here next week."

  
Then he emailed Yuzuru, telling him to come soon to Canada, as he had had Javier’s agreement.

 

  
\------

 

  
Just exactly what Brian said, Yuzuru and his mother arrived in Canada the next week. They rented a small apartment not too far from the training club. The following day, Yuzuru came to the club, his mother accompanied him. They met Brian and also Tracy, the other coach. They talked about many things: administrations, schedules, goals, former coach, etc. Yuzuru spoke very little since he didn’t understand English well, so Yumi who’d done most of the talking. Luckily, she really understood him, she knew well about what her son doing and the details about it.

  
After the talk, Brian invited him to the ice rink, letting him observe the situation there, as he needed to adapt to his soon-to-be third home (first was Japan, of course, and the second was his home in Canada).

  
“This is where you’re going to train,” Brian told him.

  
Yuzuru only nodded and said a quick thank you. He looked around. There were a few people with various ages gliding on the ice. He touched his hands to the ice, as it became his habit, touching the ice whenever he went to every rink for the first time.

  
“This rink very nice,” he commented.

  
“You think?” Brian raised his eyebrow, slightly amused.

  
Yuzuru just nodded again.

  
“Okay, Mr. Hanyu. As we all have talked about your skating, you ought to come again tomorrow. We will see your skate. I want to check on your techniques and whatnots so that we can arrange everything we need for your training."

  
“Yes, Mr. Orser, thank you.”

  
While Brian was talking with his mother, Yuzuru looked around, looking for a certain person. He was wondering when he would meet that man who indirectly had convinced him to train there at the first place. He hadn't seen Javier yet, and a part of him actually hoping to see the latter soon.

  
"Oh, and Mr. Hanyu, unfortunately, you won't see Fernandez in anytime soon, he was still in Europe. But you can expect him to be here next three weeks," Brian said as if knowing what the Japanese boy was thinking.

  
“Yes, Mr. Orser, thank you.”

  
“You’re going to spend your time a lot here with me, so there’s no need for formalities. Just call me Brian.”

  
“Yes, Brian.”

 

  
\------

 

  
Just like Brian asked, Yuzuru came back to the club the next day. Brian told him to do warm up and then skate and show his techniques. They discussed a few things shortly after that along with Yumi. Yuzuru was listening to his new coach’s explanation the whole time yet he understood only a little of what he said. In between his listening, his mind drifted slightly to that particular person. He actually felt a little disappointed for not being able to meet him soon. But still, he felt enthusiastic to start his training, which had been decided to start on the next three days.

 

  
\------

 

  
Three weeks later...

  
Javier found himself in the locker room again. Almost four weeks he spent his days in Europe, gathering with his family. Now that his days off were completed, he went back to Canada, time to return to the ice. He put all his unused things inside his locker, then changed into his training outfit. He was in the middle of lacing his boots when Brian came and sat next to him.

  
“Hey, Brian!” Javier greeted.

  
“Hey to you too,” Brian patted the younger’s shoulder. “How’s Europe?”

  
“Oh, it’s good. Still fun. My family took me everywhere. They fed me more. I think I’m getting fat. Don’t know if I still can do quads,” the Spaniard joked, earning chuckles from Brian.

  
“Ah, so you want me to prolong your practice time to help you burn those fats.”

  
“Something like that,” he replied as he finished with his boots. “Where’s the Japanese boy? You said he’ll train with me.”

  
“Yes, you’ll practice with him. But he had done earlier for today. He said he and his mother had something to do so he wanted to practice first. Maybe tomorrow you’ll see him.”

  
“Quite a mommy’s child, isn’t he?”

  
"His mother's English was better than him, so he needed her like everywhere. However, this land is still very foreign to him. But yes, he is, compared to you when you first time came here."

  
“How’s the training with him?”

  
“It’s fine. Although sometimes he has difficulties to understand my instructions. You know Japanese people are known for their politeness. And he is really polite. He always says yes and nod to whatever I say, and I’m not even sure if he understands me,” at Brian’s remark, they laughed.

  
“He will learn, though. My English was really bad too. I've seen him skate. He has talent, I'm not sure he would just give up only because of the language.”

  
“I'm thinking about that too. He's indeed quite a talent. He's really passionate about his skating, only he's lacked a bit of control. That's why he wanted to train with you. He said your quads are clean, and he wants to learn it here.”

  
“That’s one big decision for coming here.”

  
“Yes. And I hope you two will get along once you start training together.”

  
“Sure will, coach.”

  
Looking at his wristwatch, Brian told him to meet him on the ice and quickly left the room. Not long after, Javier marched to the ice to do warm-ups before starting his practice.

 

  
\------

 

  
There was still 30 minutes before the training started. Yuzuru was already in the locker room, putting his things in his locker, then sat on the bench to lace his boots. Lately, things had been quite exhausting for him, yet it was only the 10th time of his training. Training with a new coach and in a new place was refreshing, but it was the language barrier between him and Brian or Tracy which was exhausting him. He knew he sometimes would look stupid in front of them as he tried to understand every word they said. He had learned English little by little with his mother because he knew he couldn't rely for translations on her forever, and he had to do it himself. So his English was slightly improved, and he started to understand what they’ve said. But still, it was exhausting for him.

  
When he was finished, he stood up, walked to the door and then opened it to reveal Javier Fernandez behind it. Both were startled, but their surprised expression soon turned into a smile as they started recognizing each other.

 

“Yuzuru, right?”

  
Yuzuru nodded cheerfully. He mentally noted the way Javier said his name. He pronounced the ‘Z’ as ‘H’, like the way Spanish people pronounced ‘J’.

  
“Well, welcome to the Cricket Club, Yuzuru,” he extended his hand, which was immediately accepted by Yuzuru to shake. To his surprise, the Spaniard enveloped him in a brief hug.

  
“Thank you, Javier,” he said as they pulled away.

  
Javier walked past him towards his locker. He took his boots and his training outfit out of his bag, then put the bag inside the locker. Yuzuru was still standing at the door, waiting for Javier. He thought that it would be a good start if he and Javier went to the ice together.

  
“You can go first, you don’t have to wait for me,” Javier remarked, noticing the Japanese young man was still there. “But if you want to, it’s fine. I’ll be quick, then.”

  
“I wait here. Not have to rush.”

  
Javier just flashed him a smile. As he was finished with his preparations, they immediately went to the ice. Brian was already there, watching his two skaters' interactions as they started doing warm-ups. He was glad they got along pretty well on their first practice. Yuzuru looked a little awkward but Javier didn't mind about that, knowing the younger was still new there and need some adaptations.

 

  
\------

 

  
Three hours passed. The training was finished. Everything went smoothly, just a little usual problem with Yuzuru’s lack of English.

  
“Hey, Yuzuru,” Javier called him once they were in the locker room.

 

“Yes?” the other responded while sitting on the bench, unlacing his boots.

 

“You’re so silent, you don’t talk much?” Javier asked. He sat beside him, doing the same thing.

  
Yuzuru opened his mouth to answer, but then closed it. He hesitated, a little embarrassed for his lack of English.

  
“I talk much, just not English. My English bad,” he finally answered.

  
“I think it’s not that bad, though. But it’s fine. You will learn much here. My English wasn’t that good too the first time I came here. And my accent is very thick.”

  
Yuzuru only nodded and smiled politely.

  
“You can talk about anything with me, but try it with English. It’s okay with mistakes. I’ll correct it if you want.”

  
“Yes, Javier. Thank you.”

  
Again, Javier only flashed him his genuine smile and continued unlacing his boots. Yuzuru mentally cursed himself as his stomach doing some flips inside because of the smile. They were silent for a moment before Yuzuru decided to break it.

  
“Javi-san,” he called.

  
“Yes?”

  
“You say my name, not right.”

  
“Oh, do I? I’m sorry about that. I don’t know how to pronounce it. How do you say it correctly?”

  
“Yuzuru.”

  
“Yu-zuru?” Javier pronounced the ‘Z’ as ‘S’.

  
Yuzuru chuckled at that. He thought it was cute, the way Javier said his name with his thick Spanish accent. He nodded in agreement. “Good.”

  
“Okay, Yu-zuru, thanks for the correction,” which was responded with a nod and a smile.

  
After finishing the packings and saying goodbye to each other, they left the room to the front door. Yuzuru walked behind Javier, observing him from behind. Those flips inside him appeared again. He was actually flattered by his friendliness. He was even friendlier than he thought him before. And a thought popped into his head, he wouldn’t mind to train every day, spending longer time at the rink, with language barrier, no matter how long the duration was, as long as it was with Javier. And it was just the first training together.

 

  
~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I'll work on the next chapter! :)


	2. The Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru came to a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the next chapter. I've tried to make it a little bit angsty but I don't know.

Yuzuru was playing a game on his cell phone, waiting for the practice time which was in two hours. He came too early to the club because his mother got some stuff to do and had to go early, so he half-heartedly agreed to go with her. He wasn't in the mood for taking a cab that day.

 

Sitting alone on the bench inside the locker room, he groaned in boredom. Javier wasn't going to show up at any time soon. He knew the Spaniard always came on time, of course on time here doesn't mean too early.

  
He put on his earphones and listening some of his favorite Japanese songs. Four songs had passed, he didn't notice someone entered the locker room until the person opened his locker near where Yuzuru sat. Recognizing him, Yuzuru put down his cell and earphone on the bench and walked to him.

  
"Javi!" he called.

  
"Hey," Javier chuckled when Yuzuru hugged him. He hugged him back casually, putting his hands on the Japanese's tiny waist. He noticed that their height was almost the same, though he was still the taller one.

  
When they pulled back, Yuzuru noticed he was wearing glasses.

  
"Why you wear glasses?" he asked, wondering.

  
"My sight is slightly blurry now, so I have to wear it to see around me much clearer. Why? Do I look like an old man?" Javier's tone was serious but laced with joke.

  
"You are old man," Yuzuru laughed. He took off the glasses, being dorky as he usually was, he put on it on his eyes. He suddenly felt dizzy watching around from the glasses, so he took it off and rubbing his eyes. This time Javier laughed.

  
"That's because you took it off without my permission."

  
"Why you wear this thing? It is bad. And you look old."

  
"It's not bad. It helps me."

  
Yuzuru returned the glasses. Staring at the older man, he started rubbing Javier's undereye childlike-ly. Javier closed his eyes at the touch.

  
"You have dark circle, must be tired," Yuzuru frowned.

  
"A little, but it will be gone in no time."

  
"I worry. Don't too tired."

  
"I won't. Don't worry. And thank you," Javier smiled at him. He ruffled the younger's hair affectionately. Yuzuru bowed his head down to hide a light blush that started to spread across his cheeks.

  
Javier put his glasses inside his locker along with his former casual outfit. He changed into his training outfit. Yuzuru was changing his outfit too. Then together they went to the rink to do some warm-ups. As Brian wasn't there yet, they used their spare time to refresh their latest lesson and evaluate each other progress. Occasionally, Javier would throw any not so funny jokes and made Yuzuru laugh.

  
Those were a small example of what they had done together as training mates after two years of training together. Even though they were technically rivals, they never showed their rivalry. People out there never saw Yuzuru and Javier as rivals, they saw the two as best friends who always support each other. And that was exactly what they were. Brian alone was happy with the interaction between his two skaters, as it brought positive energies not only for them but also people around them and people around the world who was a fan of figure skating too.

  
Two years of becoming training mates certainly brought them closer towards each other. Just like what had just happened in the locker room. The hug they always did to start the training day, the way Yuzuru rubbed Javier's eyes and Javier ruffled his hair, those were casual, at least for one of them. The admiration that once Yuzuru had held for Javier slowly grew into something deeper without him realizing it.

 

  
\----

 

  
"Arrgh," Javier fell on his back for the umpteenth time. He had attempted a few times doing a quad sal but always ended up falling. Yuzuru skated to him, extending his hand.

  
"Come on."

  
Javier grabbed his hand and Yuzuru pulled him into standing position. They skated to the side of the rink.

  
"Javi, you should rest more. You're exhausted. There wasn't much progress on you today. What were you doing yesterday actually?" Brian asked, slightly worried.

  
"It's nothing, just playing some football with my friends. I guess that's what made me a little tired," Javier wiped his face. He was indeed tired. Playing football and video games until midnight had quite affected him.

  
"Told you, Javi is tired," the Japanese put his hands on Javier's shoulder, doing some massages lightly. Javier moaned in delight. It was indeed nice, exactly what he needed.

  
"Like it?" Yuzuru asked.

  
"I love it. Can you do it more? I really can get used to it. Ahh.."

  
Of course, Yuzuru would do more. He was glad Javier loved it. The Spaniard did look so tired, so he was willing to ease his tiredness. He tried to ignore those sparks inside him when his hands came contact with Javier's shoulder. Unknowingly to them, Brian was watching with an amused smirk. The two didn't seem awkward doing it in front of their coach. He was used to the things like this in every practice. He cleared his throat, making Yuzuru stop his massage and Javier open his eyes.

  
"Okay, so I think it's enough for today. Javi, you really should rest. If you don't get enough sleep, your training will always be like this. So I expect you to rest enough tonight and have more energy for tomorrow. Got it?"

  
"Yes, Brian. I will. Thanks."

  
"Yuzu, just take care of him," Brian smiled, his eyebrows raised amusedly. Yuzuru nodded playfully while Javier rolling his eyes. He high-fived them both and then left.

  
As the training was ended, they went back to the locker room, wiped their boots, showered, and changed into their former outfit. They sat on the bench. As Javier put on his glasses, Yuzuru gave him more massage on his shoulder.

  
He didn't know if there was a word that could express his caring for that man. He really cared about him, always worried about him but at the same time, he believed that he would be fine, that he was capable of taking care of himself. As he kept going with massaging, his mind wandering. There were so many questions inside his mind that none of them he was able to answer.

  
A few weeks ago Javier told him about his girlfriend. That was the first time he felt something painful in his chest. He surely was happy for Javier, but why didn't he feel the happiness? What was with that tightening thing in his chest? He wasn't jealous, right? He cared deeply about Javier, but it was just in a friendly way, wasn't it? Javier cared about him too, it was just a friendly gesture. Javier was very handy when he was with him, it was a casual thing for Europeans, did he treat his other friends the same way? How did he treat his girlfriend? Surely it must be special, not the way he treated him or his other friend.

  
So many questions in his head that he couldn't untangle them. He gazed emptily towards the man in front of him. This man had a girlfriend, she loved him and certainly, he loved her. He would never look at him that way. Yuzuru took a deep breath as suddenly his chest tightened. He took more deep breaths, the tightening feeling was still there. He closed his eyes. Even his asthma never felt this tightening.

 

Sensing something was off, Javier turned to face him.

  
"Yuzu, what's wrong?" he asked, slightly worried seeing the younger's pained look. He changed his position so he could fully face him. He took his face in his hands.

  
"I think- I think my asthma-," Yuzuru was still taking more deep breaths - his breathing ragged.

  
"Do you bring your inhaler?"

  
When Yuzuru shook his head, Javier quickly searched for the inhaler in the first aid kit box near the door. Once he found it he immediately gave it to Yuzuru. His brows furrowed in worry as he saw him applying it to himself while he was still gasping for air. He sat back beside him. When his breathing was slightly better, he wrapped an arm around his shoulder loosely, rubbing his hands soothingly. He knew about Yuzuru having asthma, but he never witnessed him being in such condition until then.

  
"How is it?" Javier asked.

  
"Better," Yuzuru replied softly. "Sorry you see it."

  
"It's alright, really. You should go home. Looks like we both need our rest today."

  
The tip of Yuzuru's mouth slightly turned upward. Indeed they need their rest. So he agreed. They took a cab on their way home. They were silent along the way, Javier understood that the younger didn't want to talk, and Yuzuru was thankful for that. Yuzuru was home first as his wasn't too far from the club. After wishing a take care and goodbye towards each other, they separated. Yuzuru entered his apartment as the cab brought Javier home.

  
He entered his still empty apartment. His mother hadn't come back yet. He threw himself at the sofa, rubbing his face, sighing. He didn't know thinking about Javier could cause an asthma attack for him. ‘Maybe I was thinking too much' he thought. Then suddenly his chest tightened again. This time there was a tickling feeling at the back of his tongue that made him want to throw up. So he ran to the bathroom. He stood over the sink, throwing up. What he saw made him surprised, there were a few cherry blossom petals laced with his saliva. ‘ _I'm throwing up..flower petals?_ '

  
Luckily, it didn't last long. He was slightly limp. Going back to the sofa, he let his mind wander again. Hanahaki disease, he knew it was a quite famous myth in Japan. It didn't make any sense, it wasn't real, it was just an imagination. Yuzuru tried hard to assure himself that what had just happened to him wasn't really happened. But no matter how hard he tried, he perfectly knew it was real. He had a hanahaki disease.

  
‘ _But why-_ ‘

  
He then realized, hanahaki appeared when someone's love was unrequited.

  
"Javi.."

  
Suddenly the name seemed to haunt him. He had feelings for Javier all this time. That explained many things, the sparks, the shyness when Javier was around, the tight feeling in his chest. And suddenly everything made sense. His feelings for Javier was unrequited, that was why the cherry blossoms grew inside his lungs. Javier had a girlfriend, and he was perfectly aware that there was no way Javier would return his feeling. That truth had really saddened him to the core.

  
As he laid on his bed at night, he let his mind wander again. He knew, no matter how sincere someone's feeling towards a person was, there always had to be a need to be loved back with the same feeling, even only a little. Of course, he wanted Javier to reciprocate his feeling, to love him the same way. But he perfectly knew it was far too impossible.

  
His mind and his heart were currently debating, always contradicting each other. His heart told him differently, there was no harm in fighting for love. Yet his mind contradicted, it was harmful, the disease was enough to prove how dangerous it was. But then his heart argued back, that it would always become unknown until he tried. Yuzuru couldn't understand why his mind and heart fighting each other. They usually synchronized. Apparently, the "fighting" was quite exhausting for him and finally lulled him into sleep.

 

  
\-----

 

  
Days had passed since the cherry blossoms fell. Yuzuru had considered telling Javier about his feeling. But, apparently, the time was never right. Three, that was how many times Yuzuru had tried to tell Javier but always ended up failing.

  
The first one was at the rink, in between their training. He had prepared the words he wanted to say. But then Brian showed up.

  
The second was on the outside of the club, when Yuzuru was waiting for his mother to pick him up and Javier was waiting for a cab. He said he wanted to say something to the latter, but then the cab arrived, so Javier left first.

  
The last one was in the locker room. Yuzuru had learned his lesson in how to talk to someone privately. He shouldn't ask to talk something private near the coach, or when it was the time to go home, because those place and time had bigger possibilities to be interrupted. So this time he tried at the locker room, as it was usually quiet and not too many people went there. He came earlier for the training, hoping Javier would show up soon. He fidgetted his jacket nervously. It would be the first time in his life to confess his feeling for someone. Fifteen minutes later Javier showed up, wearing his casual attire. He spotted Yuzuru sitting on the bench, looking at him, so he approached.

  
"Hey, Yuzu," he greeted the Japanese and enveloping him in a hug.

  
"Javi," Yuzuru replied. He hugged the latter back tightly. Oh, how he loved the aftershave smell of Javier. They pulled back, staring at each other. Yuzuru was sure he was really going to drown in those dark brown orbs if Javier didn't break the trance by clearing his throat.

  
"You always come too early," Javier noted.

  
"Yeah, better than late."

  
It was still an hour before training. They talked about many things, as usual. The room was quiet, there were only the two of them. When Javier was going to change, Yuzuru stopped him.

  
"Javi, can talk?" Yuzuru mentally cursed himself for sounding so timid.

  
"Sure, what do you want to talk?" Javier replied casually. He actually noticed how the younger suddenly looked nervous, but he chose to ignore it.

  
"We're friends for two years, right?" Javier nodded. He continued to listen.

  
"I hope you not angry. Don't know how to say, just want you know. Javi, I think-"

  
The door was suddenly opened, surprising both of them. Some girls popped up and entered the room, they were giggling playfully. Then a girl approached the two.

  
"Mr. Fernandez, Mrs. Wilson is looking for you," she said.

  
"Can she wait?" Javier asked. He was honestly curious about what Yuzuru was going to tell him.

  
"She said right now."

  
"Oh, right. Thanks about it."

  
The girls finally left, leaving Javier and Yuzuru alone.

  
"I'm sorry, Yuzu. Can we talk later?" Javier apologized, a little awkwardly.

  
Yuzuru nodded, a smile plastered on his face. Though, Javier knew it didn't reach his eyes. "Okay."

  
As Javier left, Yuzuru released a huge breath he didn't realize he was holding. He let out any curses in Japanese.

 

‘ _Why does the time never agree with me?_ '

 

  
~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I'll work on the next chapter!


	3. The Revelation and People's Noticing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The revelation of his condition, and people around him started to notice something was off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's me again :)
> 
> Here's the next chapter. I don't know what should I write for summary.  
> Anyway, I tried to make this chapter angstier than before but I don't know (again).  
> I love angsty stories but when I attempt to make one it always tend to become cheesy or even too depressing lol
> 
> Happy reading! :)

 

“ _No, not that,_ ” Yuzuru mumbled to himself as he scratched his writing. He was currently in his room, busy with his journal he usually used to write down his goals and strategies. He was very organized with everything, even when it came to his skating. He wrote down and scratched over and over again until he found what he thought was the right one for himself. Several upcoming competitions for the season were waiting for him, the time for him to set his goals. He grabbed a gold-colored marker, took off the cap, and then wrote down a big "GOLD" under his previously written strategies.

 

“ _I will have it,_ ” he said to himself, determinedly.

 

Satisfied with it, he slowly closed his journal, returned it along with the pen and marker to their former place. He looked at the clock hung on the wall, it showed 10.35 pm. He yawned.

 

After brushing his teeth and washing his face, he prepared to sleep. Not until five minutes after he sat on his bed, he coughed. A single soft pink petal laid in his hand. He brought his other hand to touch it. It was so soft, so delicate. _‘How very Japanese of you’_ , he chuckled bitterly. He wondered, why it had to be cherry blossom, of all flowers. Was that because he was Japanese and he was proud of his own country? Or maybe that was Javier’s favorite flower? He quickly brushed it off. He was being silly. Turning off the light, he laid on his side and pulled the blanket over his shoulder, letting sleep overcome.

 

 

\------

 

 

Another day at the club. Javier had just arrived. There was still half an hour till the practice began. Thanks to Yuzuru that he liked to come very early, and he made it as his habit. He went straight to the locker room to put his things and change. He immediately spotted Yuzuru sitting on the bench. He glanced at the Japanese, smiling fondly. They had made a "who's earliest" competition for themselves, just for fun. No matter how hard he tried to be early, he still couldn't beat Yuzuru. That boy was always earlier than him. As he saw Javier, Yuzuru stood up and hugged him, greeting him with his usual "Habi".

 

“I lost again, why do you always come earlier than me?”

 

“Maybe Javi is lazy?” Yuzuru answered jokingly. His laughter reverberated in his chest that Javier could feel it. Javier swatted his arm playfully, earning more giggles from Yuzuru.

 

When they pulled back, Javier noticed Yuzuru was slightly pale.

 

“You look a little pale, by the way. Are you feeling okay?”

 

“Okay. With Javi, everything okay.”

 

Javier ruffled the younger’s hair, staring at him affectionately. He’d really grown soft on this boy. Yuzuru was very sweet when he wanted to.

 

“Just don’t get too tired.”

 

Yuzuru nodded. He turned to his locker, putting his things inside it. He changed into his training outfit. He took his inhaler from his bag and put it in his pocket. Apparently, Javier noticed. It was unusual for Yuzuru to bring his inhaler in his pocket on practice, he never saw him bring any during the training before. He knew the younger had asthma and he had an attack not long before, but it couldn't just happen anytime, right? After seeing Yuzuru on his attack, he became easily worried about him. He wanted to ask him about it but decided to keep silent and remained casual, while observing silently, just in case.

 

“Let’s go,” Javier wrapped an arm around Yuzuru’s shoulder as they proceeded to the rink.

 

 

\------

 

 

 

“ _Mom, I’m home!_ ” Yuzuru exclaimed.

 

Yumi greeted him, hugging him briefly. “ _How’s the training?_ ”

 

" _Good. Nothing's unusual,_ " he put his equipment inside his bedroom, then went back to her.

 

“ _Go eat your dinner. I’ve cooked something you like._ ”

 

“ _Thanks, Mom. But you must eat with me._ ”

 

Yumi rolled her eyes and smiled at his son. She understood Yuzuru never wanted to eat dinner alone. It was kind of his habit since he was a child. They ate their dinner together, chatting occasionally about many things. When they finished, they washed dishes together, with Yumi washing and Yuzuru drying it with a cloth.

 

“ _Yuzu-kun, I checked this drawer yesterday,_ ” Yumi pointed her finger at the drawer beside the sink, “ _Your inhaler isn’t there. Did you bring it with you?_ ”

 

Yuzuru looked hesitate. " _Yes, it's in my bag._ "

 

“ _Don't you have one in your bag?_ ”

 

" _I think I lost it somewhere._ "

 

" _I'll get you the new one tomorrow, then._ "

 

They were silent as they continued their activity.

 

" _Yuzu-kun, as I recall, you haven't had any attack since the last treatment. It didn't come again, did it? Or did it already? You look paler than usual lately,_ " there, Yumi started to notice. She observed him. His head bowed down. She knew when he was hiding something.

 

“ _What is it?_ ”

 

Yuzuru lifted his head, staring at his mother. He could never lie to her. But this time he had to. He only spilled a little, there was no way he poured everything to her.

 

“ _Yes. It came again, and a little more frequently,_ ” he said hesitantly.

 

“ _Is it bad? Should I bring you to the doctor again?_ ” her tone laced with worry. That was what Yuzuru didn’t want. He never wanted anyone to worry about him, even his mother. He didn’t want to be a burden.

 

“ _No, Mom. I can handle it, don’t worry,_ ” he assured.

 

“ _You sure?_ ”

 

“ _Yes, I’m sure._ ”

 

“ _If you need anything, let me know, okay?_ ” Yumi hugged him.

 

He felt so grateful to have a mother like her.

 

“ _Of course, Mom._ ”

 

Yuzuru returned to his room. His mind boggled. He had brought that inhaler since last week, as he lost his own. He didn't really care not having any inhaler in his bag since he didn't have any attack for a few months after doing some treatments. But then he had found himself gasping for air like a fish a few times at the club restroom. Starting with a light cough, followed by a few petals dropped, and then those attacks came, making him panic. So that he was now prepared, in case those attack came again, he wouldn't be panicked anymore. But now his mother noticed something was off, and that was not a good sign. Because if she noticed, it meant that he still wasn't good enough at hiding it. And deep down he knew, that apparently Javier was starting to notice too.

 

 

\------

 

 

The next morning, Yuzuru found himself inside a cab on the way to a hospital. He was alone. Thinking about that illness inside him eventually made him uneasy and always feeling haunted. At first, he always assured himself it was okay and not that dangerous. But as it started to affect his health, he began to worry. He was afraid that it would affect his skate later. So he decided to check his condition and ask the doctor about the prevention before it became more severe.

 

He met doctor Nakajima, the doctor he usually visited for the regular health check. He told him about the disease, the symptoms, etc. The doctor advised him to do a CT-scan procedure, which at first he was unwilling to do, but for the sake of his health and skate, he finally did it.

 

It took approximately an hour for the procedure, and the result came 2 hours later. Yuzuru felt his heart dropped at the sight of his CT-scan result when doctor Nakajima showed it to him. There were tiny roots encircling both of his lungs. Some petals peeked around the organ. As doctor Nakajima explained the current condition of his lungs, Yuzuru interrupted.

 

“ _Is there any medicine or anything I can do to make it go?_ ”

 

“ _As far as I know, unfortunately, there's no cure for this yet. The only medical procedure allowed for this is surgery, to remove the roots and the flower petals._ ”

 

“ _Will it really go after the surgery?_ ”

 

“ _If the surgery succeeded, it will completely vanish. But the feelings that had caused it will also disappear, along with the memories. You’ll still recognize the person you have feelings for, but more like an acquaintance you’ve met once or twice._ ”

 

Yuzuru’s heart clenched painfully. “ _And if it doesn’t succeed?_ ”

 

“ _It’ll cost your life. The operation is very complicated. You see the roots here?_ ” doctor Nakajima pointed the latter on his CT-scan result. “ _Removing these tiny roots isn't easy at all. They stick to your lungs. The mistake in removing can cause an internal bleeding, leading to organ_ disfunction _, then eventually..._ " the doctor didn't continue as he saw Yuzuru's forlorn expression.

 

“ _And what if I don’t do anything?_ ” Yuzuru asked softly.

 

“ _Same answer. The roots will grow bigger and the petals will multiply. It’s worse_ that _you also have asthma. The bigger the roots grow, the tighter they become. And the friction between them and your lungs will cause a bleeding too. I’m sorry to say, it’s kind of a dead end too._ ”

 

“ _No more other treatment?_ ”

 

“ _There is. But you have to work on your own in this because it’s your private business. If you do it, they will disappear naturally. I can only wish you a good luck in this._ ”

 

“ _You mean, like confessing?_ ”

 

“ _Yes, but the person must return the feeling too._ ”

 

Yuzuru was silent for a moment. The helplessness feeling slowly arose inside his mind. “ _How long?_ ”

 

“ _I can’t say the exact. It’s a very rare case. But the latest patient with the same condition as yours, she lasted only a year._ ”

 

A year. It could be more or less. He didn't really know what to think anymore at the moment.

 

" _Then, what should I do, for now?_ "

 

" _Try the last way. If the attack comes, use your inhaler as you usually use. But I'm afraid it won't give much help as soon as the roots and petals grow bigger. However, just come here again if anything happens._ "

 

" _Okay. Thank you, doctor._ "

 

" _You're welcome._ "

 

Yuzuru bid doctor Nakajima a farewell. He also asked him not to tell his mother about it. He took a cab, heading home to grab a lunch, then went straight to the club for practice. Along the way, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He was in despair.

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru arrived an hour before the practice started. He usually came 2 hours before. But he got a little problem with the cab driver. Along the way, he was lost in his thoughts until not realizing that they had passed the club and that made the driver grumbled, so he apologized to him and asked him to go back to the club after he promised to pay him double. He went straight to the locker room. He spotted Javier sitting on the bench, smiling at him. He smiled back slightly, not reaching his eyes. Sensing it, Javier approached him. He wasn’t as cheery as usual. He noticed that the Japanese always bowed his head down, eyes downcast.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

He raised his head, meeting Javier's questioning gaze. There was a worry there. He was just silent. Javier then enveloped him in a hug. He already wore his skating boots so he was taller. Yuzuru put his head on Javier's chest. His hands hugging the other's torso. Oh, how much he wanted to be in this position forever. Yuzuru felt his eyes stinging with tears, already knowing that was impossible. The whole conversation with doctor Nakajima this morning recalled in his head, mixed with his own thoughts. The image result, the impossibility to heal, the remaining time he had. This man, the man who was hugging him that would never return his feelings, the man he was going to die for.

 

Javier felt the younger shook lightly. Yuzuru was crying. He could feel his tears seeping through the fabric of his shirt. His hug became tighter as Yuzuru started to sob. He had no idea what was going on with him, but he kept holding him until he became calmer.

 

As his tears subsided, Yuzuru pulled back, wiping his tears on his face. A pair of hands grabbed his hands from shielding his face. The first thing he saw was the track of his tears on Javier’s shirt.

 

"Oh my God, Javi, I'm sorry I ruin your shirt," he chuckled embarrassedly, shielding his face with his hands briefly. Javier chuckled at the sight. He then lifted his face, meeting Javier's gaze.

 

“It’s fine, really, don’t worry about it,” Javier ruffled the other’s hair.

 

“I don’t know why I crying,” Yuzuru smiled and laughed. The truth was he perfectly knew the reason why he was crying. He just didn’t want Javier to worry about his sudden outburst. “I guess I’m not in good mood.”

 

“I can tell. You can tell me if you want,” Javier offered.

 

“It’s nothing. Just incident, makes me pay double to the driver. And I lost, you win today,” Yuzuru pouted, which made Javier grin.

 

“So you admit that I win?”

 

“Yes, only today. I beat you tomorrow.”

 

“Deal.”

 

They shook hands. Javier waited for Yuzuru changing into his training outfit. He felt like there was a sadness radiated from the younger. Only he was uncertain. Yuzuru sometimes could be moody. ‘Maybe he was in his moody state’, he thought. As Yuzuru was finished with his preparation, they walked together to the rink.

 

 

\------

 

 

Another day of another week at the club.

 

“Sorry, can I go to bathroom again?” Yuzuru asked for permission during the training. That was the second time that day. It was normal things for Brian, a little bit annoying actually because of the interruption. But it was unusual for Javier. Yuzuru usually never cut off his practice to go to the restroom.

 

“Sure, Mr. Hanyu. But don’t make it a habit to cut your practice,” Brian reminded him.

 

“Yes. Arigatou,” he straight skated out and walked to the restroom.

 

“What’s wrong with him? He doesn’t usually cut his practice. Javi, do you happen to know?”

 

“No, Brian. But he was a little bit off, I think.”

 

Meanwhile, at the restroom, Yuzuru still tried to catch his breath after applying himself his inhaler. He sat on the floor, his back rested against the door of one cubicle. Cherry blossom petals were still scattered and floating inside the toilet bowl. It was the second time of the day. He had thrown up petals only an hour ago, and then he threw up again. He wondered why the intensity escalated quickly. When he felt a lot better, he immediately cleaned the sink and went back to the rink before making everyone suspicious of him.

 

“Sorry, this is the last time today,” he bowed to Brian, apologizing.

 

“It’s fine, Yuzu. What is it?”

 

“Oh, it’s nothing. I drink water too much today. Sorry again.”

 

“Yes. Enough apologizing. Let’s go back to practice.”

 

Unknowingly to him, Javier was watching with concerning look in his eyes.

 

 

**~~~~~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Javier was starting to notice X)
> 
>  
> 
> So, how is it? Sad, or cheesy? X'D  
> Please leave some comments, tell me :D
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading!  
> I'll work on the next chapter soon.
> 
>  
> 
> * The doctor's name is my idea.  
> * I've edited some parts in this chapter, there are some mistakes I have to fix ':D  
> * The italics are the conversations in Japanese.


	4. Behind the Cherry Blossoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Behind the cherry blossoms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again :)
> 
> So I kinda update quickly, because I feel like it.  
> This chapter is shorter than the previous. Just a little revelation.  
> The dialogs in this chapter are quite crappy and lame :'l  
> I'm not good in making dialogs lol
> 
> Anyway, happy reading! 
> 
> CatsAndSugars

 

 

 

Javier waited patiently. He had been there around 15 minutes ago. Yuzuru hadn’t come yet. He mentally noted that and put it on the list of “the unusual things Yuzuru Hanyu does lately” inside his mind. It was the fourth time Yuzuru come later than him. He thought maybe the younger had something to do first, but he couldn’t help but worry about him. He cared for Yuzuru, yet he always tried to restrain it from his mind, controlling it before it became too much. Not long after, Yuzuru showed up. When he saw Javier was there first, he groaned.

 

“Ugh, I lost again,” Yuzuru sat beside Javier who was putting in his smug smile. When he turned and saw that smile, he groaned again but laced with chuckles. “Stop it. You are silly.”

 

“I’m entertaining you, you lost today and you still deserved to be happy,” Javier was still making funny faces.

 

Yuzuru turned again, and he couldn’t help but laugh and swatted his arm. Javier laughed too. His heart felt lighter seeing the younger laughing heartily, but he stopped him before it gone too far, not wanting to see Yuzuru getting his asthma attack again.

 

“There, enough. Come here,” they hugged, as usual before they start their practice. Yuzuru sighed contentedly, which made Javier smile slightly. Yuzuru pulled back first, not wanting to drown in the hug and repeat his stupidity for crying in front of Javier. They quickly changed into their training outfit and went to the rink for warm-ups.

 

As they were doing warm-ups, Javier positioned himself behind Yuzuru. He wanted to observe him. The Japanese didn’t look moody like at the previous practices. He looked cheery and dorky just like he used to be. Javier was glad that he was in a good mood that day. His mood was very contagious. But still, the worried feeling was still there. He was afraid that the cheery mood Yuzuru wore that day was just a mask to cover up the truth. He knew Yuzuru was a very closed person, and he tended to keep everything to himself. Their friendship kind of made him opened a little, but still, he always concealed everything. Javier wanted to make him open about himself. He wanted Yuzuru to know, that he would always be there, whenever he wanted to tell him something.

 

He stopped his thought when suddenly remembering the time when Yuzuru wanted to tell him something in the locker room but they were interrupted by little girls who told him to meet Tracy. He was actually curious about it. What would Yuzuru possibly tell him? Why didn’t he tell him after that? Did he forget? Or did he actually not want to tell him so he chose to ignore it?

 

The first session of the practice was over, time to rest. As usual, Javier and Yuzuru grabbed their water bottles, then got out of the rink to sit on one of the benches at the side of the rink. Yuzuru was still in his cheery mood. He did smile a lot that day. Javier was in the same mood as him. They talked about many things. Then Javier remembered his idea to make Yuzuru open up to him. So he threw him a bait by telling him many stories about his life.

 

Javier was such a storyteller. He really liked to tell people stories. He didn't even remember the stories he had told the Japanese. Sometimes Yuzuru would respond only with smiles or laugh, sometimes he drowned in his stories and replied enthusiastically. The conversation between them flowed until they talked about flowers.

 

“I think Spain also has a national flower. It's red carnation, but it's not official. Does Japan has one too?"

 

"Yes. It's chry- chrys- ano.. not easy to say," Yuzuru scratched the back of his neck.

 

"Chrysanthemum?"

 

"Yes! That."

 

"Well, you should be proud of your country, have a flower as an identity,” Javier told him.

 

“I'm proud. We have Sakura too. Japan is famous of that,” Yuzuru replied, slightly winced, remembering the flower they talked about was growing inside him.

 

“Yeah. We usually call it cherry blossoms. They were so pretty. I’ve gone to Japan but not in spring, so there wasn’t any of it. Actually, it was my favorite flower.”

 

Yuzuru’s smile faltered. That was what he had thought before, and he was right. Cherry blossom was Javier’s favorite flower. He remembered something he had read on the internet that the flower someone with hanahaki regurgitated was the favorite flower of the person that someone had feelings for. So that was why he threw up its petals.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. They are so pretty. I actually wanted to buy a Sakura souvenir as a gift for my girlfriend when we visit Japan, she likes Sakura too. But it will never happen.”

 

“Why?”

 

“She broke up with me.”

 

“You broke up? Why didn’t tell me?” Yuzuru felt sorry for him, and a little bit annoyed because Javier didn’t tell him. But at the same time, his heart soared.

 

“I don’t think it was important.”

 

“It is, you are my friend. How your feeling, then?” he felt like such a hypocrite.

 

“Fine, a little sad, but also relieved, I think. It’s not that I didn’t love her. She’s kind, warm, beautiful. But then, we thought that it wasn’t working for both of us, so she broke up with me.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It’s not your fault, though. But thanks, Yuzu,” Javier reached the other’s hair, ruffling it.

 

“I just say my symp- symphe-“

 

“Sympathy,” Javier chuckled at that. Although Yuzuru’s English was definitely better than the first time, he was sometimes still having difficulties with the pronunciation.

 

“Yeah, that’s.”

  

\------

 

 

The practice was finished. Yuzuru and Javier were in the locker room, packing up their things, just like the usual.

 

“I must go first, Yuzu. Sorry, I can’t keep you company this time. I have a promise with my friends,” Javier felt hesitate to go first, actually wanting to keep the younger a company before his mother picked him.

 

“It’s fine. Mom’s on the way here. Take care, Javi,” Yuzuru smiled, assuring him that it was okay.

 

“You too, take care. See you next practice,” Javier hugged him briefly and then left.

 

As he was alone, Yuzuru reminisced the talk with Javier a few moments ago. So he was right all along, cherry blossom was Javier’s favorite flower. Also, Javier had broken up with his girlfriend. He was happy. He felt like he was a bad guy for being happy over someone’s misery, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t understand, but he felt like he had a chance to be with Javier, even if the chance was very, very small. He really wanted to tell Javier about his feeling, but still, he was in doubt. He was afraid that if Javier knew, the Spaniard would avoid him, and he didn’t want it. He needed Javier to be always close to him, even though only as a friend, it was fine for him, as long as they were still close.

 

Yuzuru was smiling like an idiot when suddenly the pain in his chest returned, along with the tickling feeling at the back of his tongue. He didn’t know whether it was the truth or only his suggestion, the painful feeling was increasing. His chest felt so tight. He practically ran into the restroom. He had no time to reach the cubicle so he just stood over the sink and started throwing up. The pain worsened, maybe it was the worst compared to the previous. His vision was blurry with tears. His breath labored as he kept hurling. He couldn't restrain it, the flowers were getting stubborn as they kept coming out. When everything felt much lighter, and his vision was clearer, he saw the scattered petals in the sink. He noticed there was blood lacing on the edge of the petals. He shut his eyes tightly, more tears came and the burning feeling in his chest returned.

 

“ _Please.. please stop.._ ”

 

He whispered through his tears. Really hoping it to stop. He sat against the wall, gasping for air. His hand touched his chest, rubbing it slowly. He couldn’t think straight yet with that throbbing feeling. ‘Mom, help me’, he thought. Though, he wouldn’t dare to say it directly to her.

 

It had been 15 minutes. He was still there. The pain had subsided. He could breathe more properly after using his inhaler. Slowly he stood up. He cleaned himself up and also the sink, and dragged himself out of the restroom to the locker room, to take his bag. Ignoring the metallic taste inside his mouth, he walked slowly to the front, waiting for his mother to pick him up.

 

He did read on the internet, when the blood starts to come, it means the disease is progressing.

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru mentally cursed as he looked at the blood-laced petals scattered in the sink. He’d just thrown up again. His chest was still burning. He was panting heavily, gasping more air to breathe properly. He felt like he was running out of tears from how much tears he’d shed because of the pain. He really wondered how on earth the flowers entered his lungs and grew inside it. 'Why did it have to exist? It was supposed to be a myth, a fairytale, not for real.'

 

He thought it didn’t make any sense, yet it did happen.

 

 

~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. What do you think?
> 
> Is it crappy? Lame? X')
> 
> The next chapter is up soon!  
> Thank you for reading :)


	5. The Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things had begun to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again! :)
> 
> This is the new chapter again.
> 
> Happy reading! :)
> 
> CatsAndSugars

 

It had been almost three months since the hanahaki started. Yuzuru grew tired of it. That evil thing inside him seemed to drain his energy day by day, and his tears too. It was getting more painful, yet the only thing he was currently capable to do was letting the sakura tree inside him grow bigger and slowly eat him alive. Because there was no cure for it yet, just as doctor Nakajima had said.

 

Though, still, he thought about those two ways to heal it. The surgery, or making Javier loved him back. The first option was actually quite tempting for him as it was an instant cure. But then the risk he had to take was huge if it didn’t succeed. However, even if the surgery succeeded and he was healed, he couldn’t imagine himself being a cold person towards Javier. Javier was so kind, and so warm, that Yuzuru couldn’t picture himself treating the Spaniard coldly like a total stranger, it was far too evil. He would rather die than sacrificing his friendship with Javier by doing the surgery. As for the second option, it was nearly impossible to do. There was no way Javier would return his feeling.

 

He once ever thought about confessing again. He had observed the way Javier treated him. He wasn't sure, but he just felt like he always saw the affection in Javier's eyes whenever he found the latter glancing at him. It encouraged him a bit, actually, assuring him that there was still a chance for him to be with Javier. Like his heart always said, he would never know something until he tried himself. ‘ _Who knows it can ease my pain after confessing_ ', he thought. He assured himself many times that there was always a chance in things.

 

That night, Yuzuru laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He had spent hours for thinking. What to do, what say to Javier, before confession, when the confession was taking place, after the confession, what to do if Javier accepted him, what to do if Javier rejected him, what would happen the next days after the confession, what if Javier avoided him, what if, what if.. His head was so full of questions, all the possibilities and impossibilities, and much more things. So complicated, just like the tangled threads.

 

A tear fell from the outer corner of his eye, his heart ached more as more thoughts came to his mind. He held his sitting Pooh on his stomach, squishing it softly. ‘ _Why does everything have to be this complicated?_ ’

 

 

\------

 

 

The clock showed  8.35 pm. Yuzuru was in the middle of packing his things up in the locker room. His practice had just been finished. That day, he got a different schedule due to some events Brian and Tracy had to attend, also Javier had something to do. So they trained separately. The training felt so different with and without Javier, but of course, he was being professional so he didn't think too much about it. The club was already empty. He suddenly wanted to skate again as he wasn’t in the mood to come home on time. He wore his boots again, lacing it, then he proceeded to the rink. He put on some music in his mp3 player and then started skating. He didn't notice someone was imitating his movement behind him with an amused smile. When he stopped, the person walked to him and tapped his shoulder, making him shocked as he thought there was no one there. He turned, meeting Javier's smiling face.

 

“Javi!” he hugged the other man tightly, giggling. Javier chuckled at his childish demeanor. “You scared me!”

 

“Sorry. I’m here to return something to my locker, then I see you here, so I’m here now.”

 

As they pulled back, Javier ruffled the younger’s hair.

 

“You obsessed with my hair,” Yuzuru exclaimed, still giggling.

 

“I am, am I?” Javier ruffled his hair even more until it became messy and Yuzuru swatted his hand.

 

“You’re so bad. My hair bad now,” Yuzuru pouted while combing his hair with his finger.

 

Javier only laughed. “What are you doing alone here?”

 

"My practice just finished. I want to skate more before I go home."

 

“Of course,” he rolled his eyes. Typical Yuzuru.

 

Javier glided his blade away from Yuzuru to the other side of the rink. He too was tempted to skate more. Yuzuru approached him, with a mischievous smile on his face.

 

“Race you.”

 

Then they were already doing speed skating around the rink. Without any people, they could skate freely. After a few laps, Yuzuru lost his balance and he fell, hitting the wall. He sat while catching his breath, still laughing. Actually, the pain in his chest returned, making him lost his concentration and then fell. That was why he covered it with laughter so that Javier wouldn't be suspicious.

 

“You okay?” Javier asked, still laughing too. He extended his hand. Yuzuru accepted it and he pulled him to stand.

 

“Yeah, it’s fun. I think I’m a little tired,” Yuzuru replied, panting slightly. Javier ruffling his hair affectionately then hugged him briefly.

 

“Right then. Maybe we should go home. You need rest,” Javier suggested, which Yuzuru agreed.

 

They skated out of the rink. Yuzuru had no idea what made him suddenly want to confess at that moment. He held Javier’s hand, stopping him before the older stepped out of the ice. His chest began to tighten again. Javier looked at him curiously. They stood silently for a few moments, staring at each other. Yuzuru opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. He was so nervous, yet his heart already ached knowing the chance he had was very small. He was uncertain. But then he thought he was already at the edge, so it was better to just jump.

 

“I want to talk,” Yuzuru said, his voice was surprisingly steady. He let go of Javier’s hand. “Remember when I try to talk but always stopped?”

 

Javier only nodded. He just listened and stared at the younger.

 

“I want to say something to you,” Yuzuru swallowed. “I hope you not angry.”

 

“What is it?” Javier asked, sensing nervousness radiating from Yuzuru.

 

“I have feelings for Javi,” there, he finally said it.

 

Javier was actually surprised. He didn’t expect it at all. “What- what do you mean, Yuzu?”

 

"I like Javi. I like Javi more than friends," his eyes were starting to blur with tears. He had already known the answer, looking at the other's expression.

 

Javier was speechless. He many times opened his mouth but then closed again, unsure about what to say.

 

“I- I don’t know, I don’t know what to say. I mean, thank you for liking me like that. I like you too, but only as a friend. I’m so sorry, Yuzu.”

 

‘ _Told you_ ’, Yuzuru just smiled bitterly, but he tried so hard to hide the bitter part. He bowed his head down, blinking as much as he could, letting his tears escaped his eyes without trickling down his face, not wanting Javier to see it. Then he lifted his face, meeting Javier concerning eyes.

 

“Is okay. Just want Javi to know. Thanks for listening,” Yuzuru smiled once more. He took Javier’s hand and squeezed it softly, assuring Javier that he was okay. Then he let go of it, stepping out of the ice, brushing the other’s arm unintentionally in the middle of it. If he turned back, he might see Javier reaching for him.

 

After wiping and packing his boots, Yuzuru left the locker room. Tears threatened to fall again, so he wiped his eyes, with that they wouldn’t have to fall on his face. His chest hurt that he had to put his hand over it to at least lessen the pain. Arriving at the front door, he heard rushed steps and Javier’s voice calling him. Not long after, Javier was already walking beside him.

 

“Does your mother pick you up?”

 

Yuzuru shook his head. “I take cab.”

 

“Come on, let’s take cab together. I’ll pay.”

 

“Thanks, Javi. I think I will go alone.”

 

They were silent while waiting for cabs. Yuzuru just bowed his head down, staring emptily at the ground. Little did he know, Javier always glanced at him. His eyes full of concern and guilt.

 

"I'm so sorry, Yuzu. I never meant to hurt you like this," he said softly. His eyes cast down. He knew he had hurt Yuzuru’s feelings. Upon receiving no response, the Spaniard sighed. He understood. They continued their waiting in silence again.

 

A few minutes later, a cab had arrived. Yuzuru decided to take it first. As he opened the cab door, he glanced at Javier, smiling slightly. “Take care, Javi.”

 

“You too,” the latter replied softly.

 

“Bye.”

 

Yuzuru was silent along the way. His tears fell again. That recently happened thing kept replaying in his head. He blamed himself for being silly, for ever thinking that he had a chance to be with Javier. He blamed himself for pretending that he had a chance when the truth was there was no chance at all. He blamed himself for hurting his own feelings by making that stupid love confession. Mostly, he blamed himself for being so stupid.

 

When Yuzuru left, Javier lost in his mind until he missed a few passing cabs nearby. He never felt that guilty towards anyone in his entire life. That whispered “bye” made everything worse. Sure a few times he had rejected some girls who confessed their feelings for him but he never felt that guilty. He had hurt Yuzuru, the evident sadness in the boy’s eyes made his heart clenched. He wasn’t even sure how he should behave in front of him in the future.

 

 

\------

 

 

The next day...

 

Javier was late 10 minutes. He quickly laced his boots and practically ran into the rink. Brian was already there. But there was no sign of Yuzuru. ‘Where is he?’

 

“Sorry I’m late, Brian,” he panted.

 

Brian raised his eyebrow, it was somewhat unusual for Javier to be late. “You're excused. Just this once.”

 

“Where’s Yuzu?” Javier looked around.

 

“He didn’t come. He told me he was sick.”

 

“Sick? What kind of sick?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe some kind of flu. He was sniffling when he told me by phone this morning. Let’s just pray he’ll gonna be okay. Now, warm up first.”

 

That news had succeeded in making him lost his concentration. He did his warm-up not too seriously. His mind boggled, replaying the last night event. He was really worried about Yuzuru. He wanted to visit him, but he knew Yuzuru might not want to see him after what he did to him. At the side of the rink, Brian shook his head seeing Javier's sloppy strokes. The Spaniard had lost his concentration, so Brian called him.

 

“Let’s just continue this tomorrow, with better concentration. Your movement was sloppy,” Brian told.

 

“Yes, Brian,” Javier wiped his face, sighing defeatedly.

 

“Go visit Mr. Hanyu. Maybe it’ll help,” Brian was smirking, then left without any words.

 

Javier slowly skated out of the rink. He went to the locker room, changing his outfit and packing his things. He felt so lonely that day, even at the locker room. Staring sadly at nothing. He really missed Yuzuru. Everything seemed so empty without him.

 

 

\------

 

 

The next two days...

 

“Hey, Brian,” Javier greeted.

 

“Oh, hey, Javi. What’s up?” Brian put his cellphone on the table. They were in his office room.

 

“I want to change my schedule.”

 

Brian raised his eyebrow in surprise. “Why?”

 

"Um... I think I can be more concentrated if I train alone."

 

“Sure. I’ll discuss it with Tracy, okay?”

 

Javier nodded. “Thanks.”

 

“What’s up with you and Yuzuru? You don’t have any problems with him, do you? You always seemed off since his absence.”

 

“Um.. no. It’s just a small misunderstanding. We’re fine.”

 

"Okay. You two are adults now. If there is any problem solve it soon, don't wait until everything become complicated."

 

“Yes, Brian. Thank you.”

 

As he left the room, he realized. Avoidance was a way the coward would choose. And his request to change his training schedule only to avoid meeting Yuzuru was such a cowardice move. He knew it, perfectly aware of it. But he couldn’t think of another way. The guilt was still consuming him. He wasn’t even sure if Yuzuru wanted to see him again after what he had done.

 

 

\------

 

 

"Where's Javi? Is he late?" Yuzuru asked, wondering why Javi hadn't shown up yet. He had completed his warm-ups. It was the practice after his three times of absence.

 

“He didn’t tell you?” Brian asked him back. ‘This is new’, he thought.

 

“Tell what?” Yuzuru was confused.

 

“He changed his schedule. So you won’t practice with him anymore.”

 

“But why?”

 

"He thinks he'll be more concentrate if he trains alone."

 

“Oh..” something in his heart fell and broken. That was it, Javier had really avoided him. He didn’t want to see him again. A few days he had spent for recovering was wasted. The pain he had tried to set aside was coming again.

 

‘ _Why?_ ’

 

 

**~~~~~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it!
> 
> * In this chapter, I might portray Yuzuru's character a little too sensitive, as the disease starting to affect his mental condition.
> 
> Yuzuru confessed and everything changed.  
> What do you think?  
> Tell me! :D
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon!  
> Thank you for reading! :)


	6. The Preparation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru's preparation for the competition, and Yumi was going back to Japan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again! :)
> 
> This is the next chapter.  
> I've reread this chapter and couldn't help but cringe. I don't know, sometimes I feel it's good enough but when I reread it, my opinion changes >.<
> 
>    
> *as usual, my summary is crappy X''D
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, happy reading! Hope you enjoy it! :)
> 
> CatsAndSugars

 

The season’s competitions were coming. The schedules had been announced. All the skaters held their breath in anticipation and the fans all around the world were thrilled. Same goes for the skaters in TCC. They were enthusiastic to participate, either the seniors or the juniors. After the information was delivered to the skaters by their responsible coaches, everyone was busy signing up. Most of them signed up for locals and nationals.

 

Yuzuru had signed up for some international competitions. There were four of them. The closest was NHK Trophy in next three months. In Brian’s office, him, along with Brian and Tracy, were currently discussing his programs and targets. Yuzuru uttered his goals on getting all golds and telling them the short and free program he planned to skate, while Brian and Tracy occasionally gave him advice.

 

“And your short program?” Brian asked.

 

“I’ll skate new song. Gymnopedie No. 1, Erik Satie.”

 

Brian raised his eyebrow. He knew that was a very simple and relaxing song. For the first time in his coaching career, he actually doubted Yuzuru’s choice of song.

 

“Why did you choose that song?”

 

“I feel like it.”

 

“Why do you think the song will fit your choreography?”

 

“That’s a beautiful song.”

 

“Just ‘beautiful’?”

 

“Yes. Why?”

 

“Because actually, I’m not sure.”

 

“Why?”

 

“You usually choose songs with climaxes on your programs. This song is more suitable for your exhibition gala, in my opinion.”

 

“Yes, and I want to challenge myself by skating that song for my short program, not for exhibition. I’ve already set for my exhibition.”

 

“What’s for the exhibition?”

 

“Hana ni nare. I’ve skated it last year.”

 

“Yuzu, I still doubt it. You should change the song.”

 

“No, I choose that song.”

 

Tracy just shook her head watching her fellow coach and his pupil bantering upon a song. Brian usually never had a problem with song choice, but this time he was stubborn over his also stubborn pupil, defending each of their own opinions.

 

“That song is too flat for skating.”

 

“Then I will make it not flat,” Yuzuru replied simply, making Tracy smile at his confidence.

 

Brian sighed in defeat. ‘This kid has a gut’, he thought.

 

“Okay then, if you said so. I won’t doubt you anymore.”

 

“You’ll use the original version of the song? The piano?” Tracy asked.

 

“No, it’s the orchestra version. So it will not be too flat.”

 

“I see. Brian should drag David here tomorrow. Then you can discuss your choreography with him.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So it’s settled then. You’ll meet David tomorrow. Just tell him what you have in mind for your programs. I gotta go back to the rink,” then Brian left.

 

The two were still continuing their discussion. Yuzuru told her the elements he had in mind for his program. Remember he was a very organized person? He had planned what he was going to do for his next competition. That short program song choice also had been planned before. When Tracy mentioned Javi, Yuzuru had opened his mouth asking about him before he realized.

 

“What about Javi? Does he participate too?” he asked.

 

“Yes. The same with yours. He hasn’t told you?”

 

“No. Still don’t have chance to talk. We both are busy,” he regretted asking about Javier, it made his heart ached.

 

“Everyone is busy at this moment. Don’t worry about it. You will meet him soon.”

 

“I hope so too,” Yuzuru said softly.

 

“I have a feeling that you two will share the podium again. Just focus on your goals, fight for it, okay?”

 

“Of course, I will.”

 

“Good boy,” Tracy patted his back in an encouraging manner, which Yuzuru responded with a genuine smile.

 

 

\------

 

 

" _Do you really have to go, Mom?_ " Yuzuru sat on the bed in his mother's room, watching her packed her clothes and things. Yumi had just told him that she would go back to Japan next day. There was a family emergency that required her to come. That was about her parents-in-law, which meant Yuzuru's grandparents.

 

“ _Yes, I have to be there. I’m sorry this is so sudden. I’ve just been told this afternoon,_ ” Yumi answered reluctantly.

 

“ _What time is your flight?_ ”

 

“ _9 a.m. You can accompany me to the airport if you want._ ”

 

“ _Of course, I’ll take you there. Do you need any help?_ ” he asked, seeing his mother looked so busy while he was doing nothing made him a little uncomfortable.

 

“ _No, it’s almost finished. You should rest, Yuzu-kun. You look tired,_ ” Yumi sat beside him, brushing his hair out of his face.

 

“ _How long will you stay there?_ ”

 

“ _Maybe three or four months._ ”

 

“ _I have a competition next three months back home. Are you going to be there?_ ”

 

“ _Of course,” she hugged him. “I’ll never miss your performance._ ”

 

“ _Thanks, Mom. What can I do without you,_ ” Yuzuru hugged her tightly.

 

“ _You’ll be fine, Yuzu-kun. You’re almost twenty now. You’re not a teenager anymore. I’m sure you can take care of yourself._ ”

 

“ _Yes mom,_ ” he chuckled lightly.

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru had met David and discussed the choreography for his new short program. A few days after the meeting he learned it with David. They were much the same with the other programs he’d skated, only there were some particular movements to match the song. It wasn't Yuzuru if he didn't take the choreography practice very seriously. He really determined to win golds, because he hated to lose. He worked hard and focused, too focused that he didn’t give a damn about his illness. The cherry blossom petals still managed to escape him, though with a lesser amount. Sometimes he only felt a tightening feeling in his chest, but he was too busy to be focused on his competition rather than focus on the pain.

 

Another day of training. As usual, Yuzuru trained hard and fully concentrated. Brian, Tracy, and David were watching him from the side of the rink while giving instructions. Everything went smoothly. Tracy was a little worried seeing the young skater pushed himself too hard, in her opinion. She understood him for his ambition, she thought it was a little bit too much for him trained that hard. Then, in the middle of his jump, Yuzuru felt a sharp pain prickled in his chest. He landed abruptly on his back, his hand automatically touched his chest.

 

“Yuzu, are you okay?” Tracy asked, worried.

 

"I'm fine. Just need rest a minute," he answered with heaving breath. He mentally cursed the pain for making him difficult to breathe. He sat slowly, and his breathing was slightly better.

 

When the damned feeling went away, he stood up and skated to the side of the rink, where the coaches stood.

 

“You pushed yourself too hard, Yuzuru,” Tracy told him.

 

“If I don’t push, I will lose gold,” he replied stubbornly.

 

“You will not. You’ve worked hard and I’m sure the result will worth it.”

 

“Tracy is right. Don’t push yourself too hard. You’ll be too exhausted for the competition later. You just have to be sure that your hard work will bring you golds,” Brian added.

 

"Yes, I'm sure," Yuzuru absentmindedly wiped the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve. “Can I practice again?”

 

“I think it’s enough for you today. You’ve trained long enough. You must get rest now,” Brian patted his shoulder as Yuzuru nodded in defeat.

 

As the coaches left, Yuzuru went to the locker room. He unlaced his boots and wiping the blades. He swore silently when he felt the familiar tickling feeling in his throat. He held it back as strong as he could, he wasn’t in the mood of seeing those petals.

 

 

\------

 

 

Unfortunately, that tickling feeling was quite stubborn. That night, at his home, Yuzuru was already on the verge of sleep when that damned feeling appeared again and insisting him to get up and ran to the bathroom. He stood up over the sink, ready to face that dreaded feeling when the flowers escaped him. He waited for at least five minutes, but strangely there was nothing, no flower petals dropped. There was only the pain in his chest, just like the usual. Cursing in Japanese, he strode lazily back to his bedroom. He laid his back, staring at the ceiling.

 

He missed his mother. It had been three weeks since she left. He didn't mind doing everything by himself without her around, he just felt a bit lonely. He wasn't a social person. He liked to be alone more, but alone here didn't mean lonely. He and his mother didn't always do everything together. He, of course, had his own space. But having his mother around in Canada even when they were in different places made him not feeling lonely, because he knew he had her close to him. This time, he was alone and lonely, knowing she was far away from him. Aside from his longing for her, he really felt grateful for her absence. He didn't have to worry that she would find out about his illness.

 

His lonely feeling didn't get any better when his mind drifted to Javier. He'd seen him a few times at the club, but they never talked. Brian and Tracy often asked him about that. But he always answered that they were fine. His heart ached, remembering how close he was with Javier before. He really missed the Spaniard. He missed everything about him, everything he had done with him. He regretted messing everything up. There, he was blaming himself again for being stupid. He couldn't hold his tears anymore thinking about Javier. He cried at the top of his lungs, pouring everything as he was alone.

 

An hour of crying apparently had drained his energy. He was exhausted, his nose was runny, his eyes were puffy. As his cry reduced to sniffles, he calmed himself. He didn't have to wait any longer for the sleep immediately took him over.

 

 

**~~~~~**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it! :)  
> What do you think?  
> Tell me :D
> 
> The next chapter will be up soon!  
> Thank you for reading! :)
> 
>  
> 
> * Thanks to Swanyu and Una for the correction and suggestion, I've fixed it :)  
> * About the "Gymnopedie No. 1", I love that song so much, and whenever I listen to it I always feel an empty, lonely feeling. My reason that Yuzuru chooses that song for his program is that it matches what his heart feels at the moment.
> 
> * Sorry for the lack of Javi in this chapter ':D


	7. The Tough Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru's tough days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Warning :  
> This chapter contains a lot of OOC characters x')
> 
>  
> 
> This is the next chapter.  
> Happy reading! :)

 

 

 

 

It was one hell of a week for Yuzuru.

 

It all started at the club restroom one day. Before it, the pain and the tickling had seemed to disappear for a few weeks. That somehow had made him feel relieved. Everything felt lighter. He was beginning to believe that it was already gone. But then that day, everything started crumbling down once more.

 

The disease had progressed more. The pain returned, far more painful than the previous, which he’d thought it was the most painful one. It was getting unbearable, as he felt like something inside him was tearing him apart. He almost passed out due to the amount of the torture. The cherry blossoms escaped him, along with lots of blood this time. The sight alone had made him dizzy. As he flushes clean the mess, he fell on his butt. He leaned his right side against the cubicle wall, tears trickled down his face. He shut his eyes tightly as he tried to restrain the pain.

 

‘ _Why? Why do you have to come again? I’m tired..._ ’

 

As if understanding his thought, it slowly lessened. He could breathe properly again. He no longer used his inhaler to help his breathing after the relapse, as it no longer gave him much help, just like doctor Nakajima had said. He waited until the pain completely disappeared. When it did, he stood up slowly. He looked at his reflection in the mirror above the sink. His lips were bloodstained. He quickly cleaned himself and the sink up. After checking his appearance once more, he went back to the rink, slightly limping and light-headed.

 

 

\------

 

 

It happened again, at home, the other day. The petals had managed to escape him again, along with crimson liquid, leaving him drained all night.

 

Laying on his bed, Yuzuru thought of mending his friendship with Javier. He wanted to fix everything. He missed him, feeling his life incomplete without him. He decided, even if it was hard for him only being friends with Javier, it was far better than no Javier in his life, especially with his worsening condition. He determined to meet the Spaniard the next day, to apologize for the mess he’d made and utter his will to mend their friendship.

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru had just come to the club. His training was in an hour. He went straight to the locker room to prepare. He changed into his training outfit, lacing his boots, then marched to the rink. There were a few people there. But before he reached the rink, he saw Javier there, at the opposite side of the rink, still practicing with Brian and Tracy. He stopped, watching him longingly. Tracy seemed to acknowledge his presence, but she said nothing and only smiled slightly at him.

 

A few minutes later, Javier’s training ended. They skated out of the rink, talking about progress, Yuzuru guessed. Not long after, a young woman around his age came over to Javier, her hand circled his waist, and he immediately wrapped his hand around her shoulder. She was really beautiful. They talked animatedly with Brian and Tracy, looking so happy. Not long after that, the coaches left. They were talking alone, smiles adorning their faces. Then he saw both her and Javier leaning in, and they kissed, whispering some words between it.

 

Then, it hit him. For the first time in his life, he felt his heart shattered into million pieces. Javier had had a new girlfriend and they were already kissing in front of his eyes. Last night he had thought of meeting Javier and apologizing to him and mending their friendship. Indeed, he had met him, but the Spaniard wasn’t alone anymore. He had someone with him.

 

As Yuzuru kept watching, his vision started to blur with tears. He turned his back to them. He wiped his eyes angrily. He shouldn’t cry. He must not cry. He had to focus on his training. He scolded himself for being too weak. When he couldn’t hold it anymore, he walked away into the restroom. He locked himself inside the farthest cubicle, trying to calm himself. Sitting on the floor and leaning against the door, he looked up with eyes closed, letting his tears fall.

 

A few minutes had passed. Yuzuru’s attempt to calm himself down seemed to work. His tears had stopped falling. He wiped the tear tracks on his face. Taking a deep breath, he slipped out of the cubicle and strode out to the rink for warm-ups. He was thankful Javier and his girlfriend wasn’t there anymore.

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru had failed his attempt at triple axel jumping for the fourth time. He lost his concentration because his mind always drifted to Javier and he couldn’t control it. He got up, skated again and trying to get a triple axel done. He was getting annoyed at himself. He jumped, spinning in the air, then he fell again, for the fifth time. Brian called him, instructing him to stop and skated aside, and he did.

 

“What’s up with you today? You’re always success doing triple axels before,” Brian asked.

 

“I’m fine. Just not focus enough.”

 

“Alright. It’s enough for today. You should more concentrate on the next practice. You will end up hurting yourself if you don't concentrate.”

 

“Yes, Brian.”

 

Brian patted his shoulder. It was an encouraging gesture. But Yuzuru couldn't help but feel there was a disappointment behind it.

 

As he sat on the bench in the locker room, unlacing his boots, Tracy came and sat beside him.

 

“It’s Javi, isn’t it?” she asked suddenly, surprising him.

 

“Huh?”

 

“He is the reason for your lack of concentration.”

 

“Why you think that?”

 

“I saw it, you know. Your expression changed when you see him with his girlfriend.”

 

Yuzuru was silent, he kept unlacing his boots and then took them off.

 

“It’s not true. You’re just assuming,” he said reluctantly.

 

“That's why you two drifted apart, isn’t that?”

 

“We’re fine.”

 

“Sure you are,” she said sarcastically, making him winced. She observed him while he was wiping the blades.

 

“I know maybe I’m not the best person you can share your story with. But if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen,” talk about her motherly instinct.

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

“We just don’t want your struggle in practice all this time become wasted just because of a small problem, Yuzu.”

 

‘ _It’s not small. It’s way bigger than you thought_ ’, Yuzuru replied in his mind.

 

“I can handle it myself,” he muttered. “And thank you.”

 

He walked to his locker, packing all his things, then left, leaving Tracy shaking her head at his denial. ‘Boys’, she thought.

 

He changed into his casual outfit first in the restroom before walking out of there and then took a cab to take him home.

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru had come late. He overslept. The training started at 9.30 am and he came fifteen minutes later. Brian was already there, as he was always on time. David was there too. After changing and wearing his boots, he quickly did his warm-ups and started his practice.

 

Different day, different problem. This time, when he did the laybacks, he often lost his balance, he always fell on his back. David clicked his tongue in disappointment, while Brian rubbed his face wearily. He tried to stop him. He waved his hand, trying to get the Japanese's attention. But Yuzuru seemed to ignore him and still attempted to do it. He got annoyed at himself.

 

' _Why can't you do it? Damnit!_ '

 

"Hey! Yuzu, stop! Come here."

 

Eventually, Yuzuru quit trying and skated to the side.

 

“What’s wrong with you? Yesterday you failed your triple axel, this time the laybacks. And you’re not on time today,” there was a slightly annoyed tone in Brian's voice.

 

“I’m sorry. I lost my concentration again.”

 

“You have to fix it, you know. The competition is in one month. Don’t let your practices go wasted because of this silly mistake,” Brian reminded him firmly.

 

“Yes, I’m sorry,” Yuzuru said softly.

 

“Tomorrow, you must focus, concentrate. Get enough rest, eat properly. You said yourself you want to get golds, so fight for it. Okay?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Enough for today. You’re dismissed.”

 

At the locker room, his tears fell. He was regressing. His practice was worsening day by day, and he was afraid.

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru was having a great pressure. The day before, he was bombarded with disappointment words because of repeating his mistakes, from Brian and David. Even Brian snapped at him, and that made him cry silently at the restroom after the practice. He was a soft-hearted person, he could easily break down into tears whenever there was something pushing his emotion to its boundaries, whether it was good or bad. Not to mention the damned disease that made everything worse.

 

He was on the way to the club, his mind clouded with doubt and fear. He was already late for about five minutes, and he could already picture how Brian’s reaction would be.

 

Arrived there, he ran straight to the locker room, changing outfit and wearing his boots, then he ran again to the rink, doing warm-ups. The rink was starting to get empty, as it was already 7.15 pm. Only a few people there, including Yuzuru, Brian, and David. Right after warm-ups, he started his practice. He was nervous and afraid of failing again. He was afraid that he would disappoint everyone. The nervousness and the fear inside his mind already prevented him to concentrate. No matter how hard he tried to be focused, he couldn’t do it. All he could do was letting it flow.

 

He practiced his short program. Everything went smoothly, but not after thirty minutes. He started making mistakes. He forgot many parts of the choreography but still stubbornly continuing even with wrong movements, until David yelled at him, trying to stop him to hear his instructions.

 

His attempts at doing triple axels failed a few times. Those mistakes made him angry at himself. He kept putting his efforts for the jumps but always resulting him falling.

 

He tried hard to remember the part of the choreography he forgot but he couldn’t. He paid no attention to the shouted instructions from Brian and David. He was really mad at himself, for not being able to focus. An angry tear escaped his eye as he blinked. He attempted for another quad but failed again as he fell on his knees. He finally stopped trying. Another tear escaped again. His breath labored from exhaustion. His chest was burning.

 

“How dare you ignoring us?! Who do you think you are? We did our best to teach you and give you choreography for your new program but now you’re paying it back by ignoring us?!” David shouted, clearly annoyed.

 

Yuzuru was just silent, listening. Another tear fell from his eye.

 

“Japanese people are known for their politeness and their respect for the others. Then why did you not do it? It’s easy, right? Or are you feel greater already than us, so you think it's not important for you to listen to us?"

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you lately, Yuzu. But if you keep training like this, I'm sorry to say you will lose your goals. And I’m very disappointed with your attitude,” Brian added.

 

"What an ungrateful kid."

 

Those words did hurt.

 

“Whatever your reason is, you have to respect your coaches. We’ve tried hard to instruct you, to get your attention but you keep ignoring. That attitude shows that you clearly don’t have any respects anymore for us as your coach. If you’re going to keep it, then I'll suggest you better find another coach, because I don’t want to coach someone who doesn’t have respect for his coach,” Brian said more calmly, the disappointed tone was so evident in his voice.

 

Then Brian and David left. While David was still grumbling about ungrateful kid thing, Brian calmed him down, although the feeling was mutual.

 

Yuzuru was left alone. He was still inside the rink, sitting on his knees, not caring about the coldness of the ice seeping through his trousers. His head bowed down. His entire body trembled, tears already flowing, a few dropped to the ice. He finally let out a loud sob he had held for so long, as he usually kept it silent. He had disappointed everyone who trusted him. He had ruined everything he had built. He had ruined his dream. He had ruined himself.

 

“ _I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.._ ” he whispered helplessly.

 

He was drowned too deep in his desperation that he didn’t hear someone skated towards him. He kept crying, pouring all his emotions.

 

 

\------

 

 

Javier had just arrived at the club. He was going to look for Brian to discuss something about his program. He didn’t tell Brian, but he figured that his coach might be still there. He was on his way to the rink when he heard yelling from there. He was curious and a little panic.

 

‘What’s with the yelling?’ he thought. He watched from the slightly ajar door that led there. He still couldn’t see who they were yelling at.

 

“How dare you ignoring us?! Who do you think you are? We did our best to teach you and give you choreography for your new program but now you’re paying it back by ignoring us?!”

 

Javier surprised upon hearing the harsh tone from David.

 

“Japanese people are known for their politeness and their respect for the others. Then why did you not do it? It’s easy, right? Or are you feel greater already than us, so you think it's not important for you to listen to us?"

 

'Japanese? Is it Yuzuru?'

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you lately, Yuzu. But if you keep training like this, I'm sorry to say you will lose your goals. And I’m very disappointed with your attitude,” there came Brian’s voice.

 

And suddenly Javier was worried about him.

 

“Whatever your reason is, you have to respect your coaches. We’ve tried hard to instruct you, to get your attention but you keep ignoring. That attitude shows that you clearly don’t have any respects anymore for us as your coach. If you’re going to keep it, then I'll suggest you better find another coach, because I don’t want to coach someone who doesn’t have respect for his coach.”

 

Then the two coaches left. There, he could see Yuzuru, still there, inside the rink, sitting on his knees. Sadness, anger, and desperation radiating from his figure. As Javier heard his sob, his heart clenched. He quickly looked for random skating boots at the supply room. He quickly wore it and laced it, not caring about the discomfort he felt for wearing random boots. He then marched to the rink. Slowly he skated towards Yuzuru and stopped right behind him.

 

“ _I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.._ ”

 

He hesitated, he wasn’t sure if Yuzuru would want his presence there at that moment. He watched him, hoping he would somehow be calmer. But apparently not. He couldn’t restrain himself anymore when the younger let out a heartwrenching sob. He kneeled beside him and soon enveloped him in a tight hug. Yuzuru let out a soft wail when he realized it was Javier who was holding him.

 

“Javi...” he finally said his name, after quite a long time not saying it.

 

Javier’s eyes slightly watered. He had never seen Yuzuru looked so down like that. He kept holding him, letting the younger cry on his arms. He drew circles on his back, in an attempt to soothe him. Deep down, Javier felt guilty. He knew he was the main reason why Yuzuru became like that.

 

“There, it’s okay. I’m here now.”

 

Javier cradled his head, guiding it to his chest. He caressed the boy’s hair, the hair he had missed to ruffle. And the latter who was crying in his arms, the boy he had missed very much after weeks of no talks and any contacts because of his cowardly move to switch his schedule. He knew he was really selfish, for only caring about his own feeling, for not caring how the other would feel. He hadn't realized how much the power he'd held over Yuzuru until then.

 

“I’m sorry for avoiding you,” Javier said softly.

 

 

~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it!  
> How is it? Sad? Cheesy? Too much drama? x'D
> 
> I actually feel terrible for making Yuzuru suffered a lot in this story :'''  
> That's why I say I'm sorry.
> 
>  
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon!  
> Thank you for reading! :)


	8. Calm after the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calm after the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again! :)
> 
> This is the next chapter. This is kinda light chapter, not intense like the previous one ':D
> 
> This chapter is both from Yuzuru's and Javier's pov x)
> 
> Happy reading! :)
> 
> CatsAndSugars

It had been two days since the breakdown. Yuzuru found himself inside Brian's office. Brian and Tracy were there, and it was a miracle that David was there too.

 

"I want to apologize. I'm sorry for my behavior. I just have a lot in my mind. I'm sorry."

 

"We've forgiven you, Yuzu. We are sorry too for being too harsh on you," Brian replied.

 

Yuzuru bent over repeatedly, as a form of his apology. He really felt guilty for what he had done towards them, for making them disappointed at him, for ignoring their instructions. "I'm sorry again."

 

"There, enough, my boy. We have forgiven you," David, back to his usual gentle self, squeezed him in a hug.

 

Then Brian's turn to hug him. He patted the younger's back encouragingly, as a sign that he had been forgiven and he had their trust. "Don't let your problem slipping the gold out of your finger. You have trained hard, prove yourself that it will not go wasted, prove that your struggle worth the gold. You have to fight for it. You have to believe in yourself, no matter what happens, okay?"

 

"Yes, Brian. I will, for sure."

 

"Good boy."

 

Then it was Tracy's turn. Yuzuru's eyes watered slightly, as she reminded him of his mother.

 

"How are you, Yuzu?" she asked as they pulled back.

 

"I'm good."

 

"What had happened in the past is the past, there's no use on bringing it back. Just forget about it and focus on your future."

 

His heart ached to hear the word ‘future'. ‘ _I don't even know if I still have one_ ', he thought sadly.

 

"Yes, Tracy."

 

"Have you talked to Javi?"

 

"Yes. But just a little."

 

"Better than nothing at all. You know, he was worried about you."

 

"Really?"

 

"I talked to him yesterday. When I said your name, he immediately asked about you. Just like what you did when I mentioned his name."

 

Tracy noticed his eyes became slightly emptier. She couldn't help but felt pity towards him. Yep, she totally knew what was going on.

 

"He just a long time not seeing me," he said with a softer voice, without him realizing.

 

"He actually cares a lot about you, Yuzu. Maybe he will realize it someday."

 

"I don't know what you talking about."

 

"Let's just forget it. So, ready for training tomorrow?"

 

"Yes, I'm ready."

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru's training was getting better and better. He was no longer regressing, he had worked hard to catch up his progress so that everything went back to its track. He determined to always be concentrated, not letting anything go through his mind and ruin everything he had set up from the beginning. Since the first practice after his apology, Javier was always there, standing up outside the rink, watching him. When he was resting, Javier always came to him, asking about his condition, giving him encouragement and support despite them being competitors. Javier's presence somehow brought back his spirit.

 

Although Yuzuru was grateful for Javier being there with him, still, it was difficult for him. When the Spaniard was around, he could be easily distracted, only this time he could control it. Sometimes when Javier was watching him practice, he would feel nervous and shy. But again, he was able to control it, as if Javier's presence was distracting yet helping.

 

That day, his training had just ended. Those last three days were the final training before going to Japan. Everything was settled and perfected, just like he wanted. Yuzuru was in the middle of wiping his boots in the locker room when he heard someone opened the door. He immediately knew who it was before he saw.

 

"Hey, Yuzu," Javier greeted, then sat beside him.

 

"Hey," he replied. He lifted his face, smiling slightly at him.

 

"How's the practice?"

 

"Good. Everything's ready. You?"

 

"Mine's too."

 

They were silent for a moment. That was how one of their latest interactions was. They were back at being friends. But, it was not the same anymore. Yuzuru became much more silent than he usually was. It was always Javier who started a conversation between them, even if it was just a small talk. Javier understood, though. He didn't care how they were becoming, he just cared that they were back being friends.

 

Yuzuru took his bag from his locker, then putting his boots and the towel into it. Javier just watched him. He didn't know why suddenly he felt a sort of longing feeling for the younger. He quickly brushed it off. When Yuzuru back to his seat beside him, he noticed how pale he was.

 

"Yuzu, are you okay?"

 

"What?"

 

"You look pale."

 

Yuzuru just smiled slightly, averting his gaze from Javier. He was actually feeling so drained and light-headed. If Javier wasn't there maybe he would've passed out already. His heart warmed at the thought Javier cared about him. He remembered the talk with Tracy a few days ago.

 

"I'm okay. With Javi, everything okay," he said softly.

 

"You sure you're okay?" Javier was concerned, at Yuzuru's paleness and his a bit weird behavior.

 

"Yes. I'm just a little tired."

 

Yuzuru closed his eyes, his head leaning against the wall.

 

"Javi," he called, with a very soft voice.

 

"Yes?"

 

"Thank you."

 

"For what?"

 

"For everything. I'm happy I know you. I don't know how my life would be if I don't know you."

 

That made Javier's eyes watered slightly. Yuzuru sounded so sincere. He was happy Yuzuru said that, but at the same time, he felt sad looking at him. Yuzuru really looked unwell and he was afraid that he might faint.

 

"I'm happy too, Yuzu."

 

Yuzuru opened his eyes, smiling at him. He reached his hand, squeezing it gently.

 

"You should rest, Yuzu. Have you packed your things?" Javier asked.

 

"Yes."

 

"I'll pick you up at 7 tomorrow."

 

Yuzuru wanted to refuse, but seeing Javier's eyes made him cannot. "Okay."

 

"Right. I'll see you tomorrow, then," Javier ruffled the younger's hair gently, more like caressing it.

 

"Bye, Javi."

 

"Bye. Rest well."

 

 

\------

 

 

The next day, at 7 am, Javier picked Yuzuru up. He took a cab there. They went to the airport. The flight was at 9 am, still two hours to go. They were silent along the way, with Javier occasionally glancing at him who was glancing out the window. Once they were there, they met Brian and Tracy and quickly did a check-in.

 

There were still twenty minutes before the departure. Brian and Tracy were talking animatedly about something, while Javier watched them in silence. They were in the waiting room. Javier felt a little bored since he had nobody to talk. He actually wanted to join his coaches' conversation, but he felt like it was impolite. He wanted to talk with Yuzuru who sat beside him. But the latter seemed didn't want to be involved in any talk. He stared emptily at nowhere, hands clutching his jacket. Javier noticed he looked sleepy.

 

"Hey, you okay?" he asked.

 

Yuzuru turned his head, facing him. "I'm good," he smiled slightly.

 

"You look sleepy."

 

"I'm just bored."

 

"You want to talk?"

 

"But I don't know what to talk about."

 

"You can talk about something you like or something you don't like."

 

"I have many, and I don't want to talk about them."

 

"Okay, then. Just anything you want to."

 

"I want to not talk."

 

"Okay, let's just keep silent."

 

"But I don't want to."

 

"Then what do you want?"

 

"I don't know," he smiled sheepishly, which made Javier smile too.

 

"Okay, we don't have to do anything, then."

 

Not long after, the first call for the passengers was announced. Brian, Tracy, and Yuzuru entered the plane, Javier followed a few minutes after as he had to go to the toilet first. He entered through the back door, so he couldn't see where the others were. He was supposed to sit with Brian, behind Tracy and Yuzuru. When he found them, his supposed to be seat had been occupied by Tracy. He wanted to protest. Brian who sat near the window pretended not acknowledging him, while Tracy was smiling at him innocently. Sighing, he finally sat beside Yuzuru, who was smiling slightly at his presence.

 

The flight from Canada to Japan was approximately 13 hours. There were still 10 more hours, yet Javier already felt bored. The entertainment facility didn't do much help to reduce his boredom. His gaze slowly drifted to Yuzuru who was silent along the way, looking out the window. He stared at him solemnly.

 

Yuzuru's silence actually made Javier feel sad. He felt like losing someone who was very close to him. He thought that he was okay with it, at least they were back at being friends. But then he felt hypocritical, he actually wanted the old Yuzuru back. He missed talking with him, talking about random things and then laughing together at some cringy jokes.

 

Yuzuru turned his head, looking at his lap. His fingers fidgeting. Javier noticed his eyes were glistening. The younger blinked, and a tear trickled down his cheek. He wasn't aware that the man beside him was watching him. Javier's heart ached to see that, that he had to suppress the sudden urge to wipe the tear and took the younger in his arms.

 

As if feeling his gaze, Yuzuru wiped his cheek and rubbed his eyes, then glancing at Javier.

 

"You okay?" Javier asked softly.

 

"Yeah," Yuzuru laughed a little, a bit awkwardly. He averted his eyes. They were silent again.

 

Two hours passed uneventfully. Javier closed his eyes, trying to sleep before his mind went further. The picture of Yuzuru crying silently beside him kept replaying in his head. That guilty feeling resurfaced, already not allowing him to sleep peacefully. He opened his eyes, glancing around. 'Looks like everyone is having a nice sleep' he thought sourly. He turned his gaze to Yuzuru, who was in a deep slumber. Sighing, he took his cell phone out. He searched his gallery, finding some videos of him and his girlfriend.

 

He kind of missed her. It had been two weeks since the last time he met her. The sight of the video of her smiling and laughing in his phone screen warmed his heart. She was warm and kind, and beautiful.

 

He was in the middle of playing the other video when he felt a weight on his right shoulder. It was Yuzuru leaned his head there in his sleep. Sighing again, he put his phone in his pocket. He turned his head to the latter. Absentmindedly, he reached out his hand to caress his cheek. It felt so soft against his fingers. Then he found himself staring at his lips. He brought his thumb tracing them.

 

The sound of Brian clearing his throat brought Javier out of his reverie. He then realized what he was doing and quickly pulled his hand, averting his gaze embarrassedly.

 

'What am I doing?!'

 

 

~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it!
> 
> What do you think? :D
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon!
> 
> Thank you for reading! :D


	9. The Competition and the Suspicion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of the competition  
> Javier's painfully slow realization  
> Javier's suspicion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again! :D
> 
> Soo, this is the next chapter. This chapter is kinda flat, not much drama or angst happen, because this is mostly about the competition. And there are fewer dialogs x'D
> 
> Once again I remind, this work is pure fiction. Whatever happens in this story (the disease, the timeline, the location) is not real, it's just the part of my imagination.  
> And if there's mistake in mentioning anything, my apologies :)
> 
> Happy reading! :)
> 
> CatsAndSugars

 

The day of the competition had arrived. It will be held in a total four days. The first and second day were for men’s singles and women’s singles short program and free skate, while the pairs and ice dance on the following days. In the men’s category, there were 12 skaters participated. A few days before, the drawing of order number for performance had been done. Yuzuru got the fifth turn, right after Javier who got the fourth turn.

 

As usual, the skaters did the warm-up first before the competition started. The first performer was Denis Ten, followed by Takahito Mura, Richard Dornbush, and then Javier who performed his “Black Betty” pretty impressively.

 

He was still in Kiss & Cry, waiting for his score with Tracy when he saw Yuzuru entered the ice rink. His score was out, 89,78. He took everyone’s rank down as he was ranked in the first place. He was ecstatic, really. He was taken to the green room, meeting Richard and Takahito, as they were in the second and third rank.

 

Then, the Gymnopedie No. 1 was played, and Yuzuru started his skate. The flow of the music matched every motion he did. The costume he wore also complementing his performance. It was white, flowy and glittery, emphasizing his figure. Everyone who witnessed him at that moment got carried away, fascinated.

 

Outside the rink, Brian was watching closely. He started to believe what the Japanese had said to him around 3 months ago about his song choice. He did make it not flat. He was stubborn and he proved his stubbornness. Whenever Yuzuru succeeded on his quads, he would jump ecstatically.

 

In the green room, everyone was stunned as they watched him from the screen. Richard was silent, while Javier and Takahito were talking about it, although it was Takahito who done the most talking. He remarked his pride towards his _kohai_. As for Javier, he replied to it occasionally. He couldn’t help but stare at Yuzuru’s graceful figure. His jumps, spins, every motion he did look so aesthetic. He didn’t know where it came from, that for the first time since he befriended Yuzuru, he thought Yuzuru was attractive. Though, he quickly brushed it off and avert his gaze from the screen, not wanting his mind went further.

 

As Yuzuru finished his skate, the crowd went wild. Cheering and clapping filling the air. He bowed to the audiences as a symbol of gratitude. His breath still heaving, but his face was full of joy and relief. He went outside the rink, meeting Brian and Tracy who was waiting for him with smiles and grins on their faces.

 

“Well done, Yuzu,” Brian said as he hugged the younger man.

 

“I did it!” he exclaimed happily.

 

“You did it. Good boy,” they pulled back, and then Tracy was already hugging him.

 

“You did well, Yuzu.”

 

Yuzuru just chuckled with his still labored breath.

 

“I’m sure the result will worth it. That was beautiful. Just beautiful.”

 

At the Kiss and Cry, they waited for the score. Tracy was encouraging him so that he wouldn't feel nervous. Then, the score appeared on the screen. 91,58. That was it. He surpassed everyone's score. He was really ecstatic at the moment. The crowd cheering for him. Brian and Tracy congratulated him, yet reminded him to keep focus and not too drown in his joy, as there was still one more program the next day.

 

He then was taken to the green room, meeting Javier and Takahito. The older Japanese hugged him first briefly. He uttered his congratulation and his pride as his _senpai_ towards the younger, which was responded with words of gratitude and chuckling. Then Yuzuru turned to Javier, closing his eyes as the Spaniard swept him into his arms. His heartbeat quickened slightly at the contact. He sighed contentedly, which made Javier smile.

 

“Congratulation, Yuzu,” Javier said softly, feeling Yuzuru’s grip on his torso tightened slightly.

 

“Thank you, Javi. You too,” he replied.

 

They pulled back, staring at each other briefly, arms still tangled

 

“Stay focus, there’s one more day. Okay?”

 

Yuzuru nodded, smiling at him.

 

Those brown eyes...

 

He mentally scolded himself not to stare at them. He released himself from Javier’s arms, then sat on the chair beside Takahito. Javier followed to sit beside him.

 

Until all the skaters' performances were finished, the rank hadn't changed for Yuzuru and Javier. They stayed in first and second place for the short program.

 

 

\------

 

 

Then, it was the second day, the day for the free skate.

 

There were still 30 minutes before it began, yet, Yuzuru was already having a hard time. In the locker room before, Yuzuru had changed into his costume for Phantom of the Opera. He was ready for it. The score and rank he earned the day before did encourage him more to make everything perfect. He was in the middle of taking his boots out of his suitcase when pain suddenly spread in his chest, along with the tickling sensation in the back of his throat. He didn’t have time to think, he just quickly bolted to the restroom. He stood over the sink, letting everything out, absorbing that familiar dreaded feeling.

 

The cherry blossom petals scattered around the sink. There was so much blood, making him feel light-headed from seeing it. His trembling hand reached for the tap, turning it on to wash away the blood. His breath labored, and he felt like fainting. He couldn’t think straight yet, not until the pain at least lessened.

 

‘ _Not now, please!_ ’

 

He spent at least seven minutes in there. He patiently waited for the remaining petals and blood to escape. When there was nothing came and he thought the pain was almost gone, also that he slowly came back to his senses, he cleaned the remaining mess around the sink. After re-checking himself in the mirror, making sure there were no blood stains on his lips and his face, he strode towards the door. He was startled once he opened the door and Javier appeared behind it. The latter seemed startled too.

 

“Yuzu,” he greeted.

 

“Javi,” the younger replied.

 

“You okay? I’m sorry I startled you.”

 

“I’m good. Sorry too, don’t see it coming,” Yuzuru chuckled nervously.

 

“It’s okay. I have to go first, by the way. See you there,” Javier went inside after closing the door.

 

Yuzuru leaned himself against the door. He took a deep breath to calm his heartbeat. He was so grateful that Javier came after he finished everything. He actually couldn’t imagine if Javier suddenly came to him in the middle of him hurling. The heartbeat seemed to slow down, then he quickly went back to the locker room, continuing his preparation.

 

Meanwhile, in the restroom, Javier was washing his hands in the sink after finishing his errand. He was going to reach for the liquid soap dispenser when his gaze drifted to a few small, pale pink things inside the other sink beside. Curious, he looked closer. His finger grazed it lightly.

 

‘Flower petals?’ he asked himself curiously. ‘Where does it come from?’

 

From the shape and the size of the petal, he could tell it was a cherry blossom. Still, he was curious about it. He didn’t know why his mind suddenly drifted to Yuzuru. But then, he remembered the warm-up session was going to start soon in any minutes, yet he hadn't worn his boots yet. He just set his curiosity aside and quickly left.

 

 

\------

 

 

The warm-up session had just ended, time to begin the free skate. The skaters performed with the same order as the day before. Denis, Takahito, Richard, Javier, and then Yuzuru. Javier performed his Il Barbiere di Siviglia charmingly, yet he had dropped to the third place on his free skate, but his total score combined was enough to lift him to the first place, taking down the other skaters’ scores before him.

 

Then, it was Yuzuru’s turn. He gracefully entered the ice. As the music was played, he started to move, flowing along with the music. Two minutes passed, everything went smoothly. The audiences cheered whenever he landed his jumps. In the middle of his spin, the pain came back. It was getting hard for him to concentrate with that amount of pain. But he was determined not to let the pain brought him down. He kept skating with all his heart and his mind. ‘ _This could be my last skate, so I have to do my best whatever happens’_. He just hoped no one would notice his pained expression.

 

In the green room, Javier was watching him. Worry etched on his face. For the first two minutes, everything was fine, and he kind of enjoyed Yuzuru's performance. But then, the next two minutes felt different. He noticed Yuzuru looked pale, so pale that he was afraid that the Japanese would've fainted in the middle of his skate. He noticed the way his brows creased, the way he shut his eyes tightly when his spin slowed down. Javier knew he was in pain. He could see it, even though the performance was full of passion that it was barely visible. People would've interpreted it as his animated expression.

 

When Yuzuru finished his skate, everyone was cheering. A rain of Poohs was happening around the ice rink. Despite the pain he felt, Yuzuru grinned widely, joy and relief washed over him. He was grateful that the pain was quite easy to handle, and not causing any mishaps during his performance. At the Kiss & Cry, he was more joyous as the result came on the screen. He was in the first place again, both in his short program and free skate, and the combined score. Both coaches congratulated him, feeling the same joy as him.

 

At the green room, Javier and Takahito gave their congratulations to him. Javier was actually dying to know what had happened to him, what was with the pained look on his face. He was going to ask him about that, but then he restrained himself, not wanting to ruin the younger’s mood. Though, he still worried about him.

 

All the skaters had performed and earned their scores and ranks. The result was finally out. Yuzuru in the first place as the gold medalist, followed by Javier in the second place as the silver medalist, and then Sergei Voronov, a Russian skater in the third place as the bronze medalist.

 

As usual, there was a podium photo session at the medalling ceremony. The photographers took the picture of them standing on their podium. Then Yuzuru invited the other medalists to stand on his podium beside him. His mind suddenly went blank for a few seconds as Javier put his hand around his waist and squeezing it gently, making him blushed slightly at the contact. He knew it wasn't unusual, but still, it made the butterflies in his stomach went wild. Even the slightest touch could affect him. And he cursed himself for that.

 

The three medalists strode outside the rink, meeting their own coaches. Yuzuru and Javier were immediately attacked with hugs from Brian and Tracy.

 

“Congratulation to you two, you both had done really well,” Brian said.

 

“I’ve told you. You two will share a podium again. Well done Yuzu and Javi,” Tracy added as she hugged them both.

 

When the two coaches were busy accepting congratulations from everyone, Javier hugged Yuzuru briefly, they congratulated each other for the umpteenth time at that day. Then they high-fived, as the affirmation of their achievement together, as rivals, and as friends.

 

 

\------

 

 

The competition had finally over. There was still an exhibition gala in the next 5 days so that all the participants had spare time before the gala rehearsal and the gala. Most of them were doing sightseeing around the city.

 

As for Yuzuru, he visited his family. He met his mother, his father, his sister Saya, and his grandparents. Javier was with him. The day before he offered the Spaniard a tour around plus visiting his family, which Javier accepted immediately. After the visit, they went to grab a lunch along with Yumi and Saya. Yumi usually cooked lunch, but since she was quite busy with her parents, she didn’t have much time to cook, so she dragged the youngers to a Japanese restaurant.

 

It was a quiet restaurant. There were only a few people there. While enjoying their lunch, they occasionally chatted. Javier had met Yumi and Saya before so he didn't feel awkward around them. He and Saya were on the same age, so they talked quite a lot. Saya's English was below Yuzuru, so sometimes both Yumi and Yuzuru helped translating her words for Javier, and vice versa.

 

They were in the middle of talking about comparisons between Japanese and Spanish culture when Yuzuru suddenly went silent. The pain came again. His mother and sister didn't notice, but Javier did, yet he just stayed silent. Then Yuzuru marched to the restroom, he made his steps looked as usual as possible. Once at the restroom, the petals and blood escaped him again. With his condition, he knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid Javier. He prayed, hoping that Javier wouldn’t go after him.

 

In their table, they were wondering why Yuzuru hadn’t come back yet. It was already ten minutes. When Javier was going to offer himself to go after Yuzuru, the latter had already come back, apologizing for spending too long time in the toilet. They then continued their talking about random things.

 

A few minutes later, Javier excused himself to go to the restroom. After doing his errand, he washed his hands over the sink as usual. Then, he felt like he was having a deja vu. He saw a few petals gathered at the drain. They were the same as what he found back at the rink restroom a few days ago. His once set aside curiosity resurfaced. He wondered why he always found it after Yuzuru came out from there. He wondered why on earth Yuzuru would bring sakura petals there. He wondered where on earth he got those petals, as that time there wasn’t any sakura tree bloomed yet. Those tiny petals really drove his curiosity mad, that he decided to set it aside, but with determination to find out about it later.

 

Once he was back at the table, he observed Yuzuru. The younger look pale. He didn’t talk much, as if he was exhausted after doing something. His breath was normal, but Javier could tell something had just happened to him. His worry for the younger slowly grew bigger, as his mind started to connect everything from the previous events.

 

 

~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it :D
> 
> How's it? Is it flat? x')
> 
> In this chapter, if I made mistakes in mentioning anything (terms or anything), please correct me :)  
> Because I haven't known much about figure skating yet ':D
> 
> About Yuzu's costume for his short program, I imagined it as his costume for requiem of heaven and earth, only it's in white. That costume is sooo pretty <3
> 
>  
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon.  
> Thank you for reading! :D


	10. The Truth Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again! :D
> 
> This is the next chapter. I don't know if this is angsty enough or not, but I hope it is '':D
> 
> *This chapter is mostly from Javier's 3rd pov
> 
> *Hope the dialogs in this chapter not too lame lol
> 
> And just want to remind, this story is purely a fiction, it purely comes from my imagination.  
> Whatever happens in this story is not real.
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, happy reading! :D
> 
> CatsAndSugars

 

The gala rehearsal was scheduled on 3 pm. Yet, Javier had found himself already at the rink arena at 2.15 pm. He forgot the right schedule, he recalled it was on 2 pm and he thought he was already late. The rink arena was still devoid of skaters. There were only a few Zamboni crews doing their job. Yeah, maybe there were other skaters too that he didn't recognize, but still, nearly empty.

  
Upon having no companies and not knowing what to do, he marched to the locker room. Apparently, there were other skaters that already there. Last time he was there it was still empty. He looked around, half expecting he would see a certain Japanese among them, but no, he hadn't come yet. It made him a bit disappointed and worried if Yuzuru didn't come because there was something happened, nevertheless he just brushed it off. He greeted them and they responded warmly. He sat beside Sergei. That bronze medalist actually was happened to be one of his closest fellow skaters.

  
"You're not usually this early. Did you set your alarm correctly for the first time?" the Russian asked jokingly.

  
Javier chuckled. "Well, first, I never set the alarm ‘cause I don't need it, my body has the natural one. I'm a light sleeper, unlike you, heavy sleeper. So heavy that lots of slaps in the face couldn't wake you."

  
"Hey, I've changed! Now I'll just need some poking in my face to do it."

  
"Yeah, that is your greatest achievement. I'm proud of you, Bro," Javier replied sarcastically. He patted the older's back repeatedly in a joking manner.

  
"Ow! It hurts! Ow!" Sergei faked whining every time Javier did his patting.

  
"What are you whining about? You're such a kid."

 

"Well, I'm a kid trapped inside a body of a charming Russian skater."

  
"Shut up, you're noisy."

  
"Anyway, what makes you so early? Are you that enthusiastic to meet a certain someone?" Sergei eyed him questioningly.

  
"I just forgot the schedule, I thought it was at 2 pm and I was already late, but apparently I'm early. And what do you mean by that? Someone? No, I'm not."

  
"Really?"

  
"Yeah. Why do you think of that?"

  
"Well, I'm just guessing. So I'm mistaken, then. But why I have a feeling that I'm not 100% wrong?"

  
"What's with that curiosity of yours?"

  
"Don't know. Just, finding out about it is amusing."

  
"What's it?"

  
"So, are you?" Sergei asked back, ignoring Javier's confusion.

  
"What?"

  
"We both know what we're talking about, Fernandez."

  
"I honestly don't understand."

  
"It's Yuzuru."

  
"What? Why do you even think of it?"

  
"I have eyes, you know. So, are you?"

  
"No, of course. Why would I be?"

  
"You know, I'm not that smart, but I'm not that dumb either. You were looking for him. So, are you?"

  
Javier sighed. Reluctantly, he had to admit that Sergei was right. "Okay. You're not wrong."

  
"So, you and him, huh?" the Russian raised his eyebrows amusedly.

  
"No, not like that. Yeah, I was looking for him. I just worry about him. He didn't look well last time we met."

  
Sergei noticed the frown that appeared on the younger's face. ‘This man has it really bad for that Japanese boy, it's a pity he hasn't realized yet', he thought. "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be alright."

  
"I hope so. Even though you're annoying, thanks for the talk, Bro."

  
"No problem," the older patted Javier's back supportively. "You owe me a Spanish treat."

  
"Why would I do that??"

  
"I've just finished being your best story listener. So you owe me."

  
"What listener? You're nosy and annoying, Bro," Javier joked.

  
"Oh, I'm hurt," Sergei put his hand on his chest.

  
"Your life's so full of drama, that's why you're so melodramatic. Okay, I'll think about it."

  
"Yeah! You're the best!" the older put his hands on his shoulder and shook it dramatically. Javier just rolled his eyes.

  
"I should go, my friends are waiting for me. See you around, Javi."

  
They high-fived, then doing their thing separately. Sergei went around, looking for his friends, while Javier was taking his boots out of his bag. He quickly wore them. His hands briskly tied up the laces. He occasionally greeted back the skaters who'd just arrived and greeted him. The locker room was starting to full of people. Other skaters that had already worn their boots exited the room, giving space for newly arrived skaters to prepare. He then stood up and strode out, following them to the ice arena.

  
The skaters, male and female, were starting to fill the space between the ice and the audiences on one side of the arena. Everyone was enjoying the atmosphere as there wasn't any competitiveness among them. Javier was busy exchanging greetings with the Americans and Canadians: Alex, Maia, Scott, and Gabrielle, who was also trained in TCC. They had a lot catching up to do, so they spent time talking about many things while waiting for the practice.

  
As almost all skaters had gathered, the rehearsal was going to start in 15 minutes. Everyone had stepped on the ice, gliding lazily. Javier and the gang entered the ice and remained at the side close to the barrier. Not long after, Scott glided somewhere looking for Tessa, and Alex left with some other Americans to the other side of the crowd. Maia and Gabrielle kept him company, still continuing the chat.

  
"By the way, I haven't seen Yuzuru. Where is he? You two usually stick together in gala practices," Maia asked, wondering.

  
"I haven't seen him too. Maybe he's around here," Javier answered simply.

  
"You two are not fighting, are you?" this time Gabrielle asked.

  
"Of course not, Gab. We're fine."

  
"It's just a bit weird not seeing you and Yuzuru hanging around like usual," Gabrielle turned to Maia. "They were practically glued to each other, you have to see them at daily practices."

  
"Hey, we're not!"

  
"Maybe I should take Alex there someday and we'll record your entire practice session for our newest vlog. The world will go crazy," Maia snickered.

  
"And we should make them confess to each other," Gabrielle added.

  
The girls high-fived, giggling like schoolgirls.

  
"Not again," Javier rolled his eyes, remembering the talk with Sergei earlier.

  
The rehearsal finally started. The girls left to the front side of the crowd, while Javier stayed there. The choreographer stood in front of all the skaters, giving instructions and arrangements for the finale. The crowd then was split, the pair skaters and ice dancers had their practice first, while the others were instructed to skate aside for a while. The lights were dimmed around the side of the rink, and only lighting up the center to make the pairs practice more focused.

  
Javier stood slightly distant from others. He wasn't in the mood to be involved in any conversation. So he just watched all the pairs rehearsing. Looking at them so intimate with each other's partner reminded him of his girlfriend. He realized it had been a week since their last interaction. A few days before the competition, she videocalled him, saying she missed him which he responded the same. She asked how his feeling was before the competition, how his preparation was, and how Yuzuru was doing, which was responded with him telling her a lot of things about the Japanese. At the end of their conversation, her expression changed, not as bright as the beginning. Nevertheless, he didn't pay too much attention to it. Since then, his mind always drifted to Yuzuru. Almost everything he did remind him of the latter. At first, he thought it was normal, as they were rinkmates and going to compete against each other, it was just the effect of the adrenaline rush. He didn't even think about her all the week, especially after his suspicion towards the boy and the weird things he found lately. And watching the pairs practice suddenly reminded him of her. He actually felt a bit guilty for being a terrible boyfriend, for not caring about his girlfriend.

  
Still busy with his thoughts, he absentmindedly shifted his gaze around. It wasn't that dark, he could still see the other skaters. There, he found Yuzuru, with his black Team Japan jacket, talking animatedly to Misha Ge, with the Uzbek's hand hanging leisurely around his shoulder. He felt a pang of unknown feeling settling in his chest, abruptly breaking his earlier thoughts of his girlfriend. Yuzuru looked so calm, with a light smile adorning his face.

  
Javier averted his gaze. That feeling was weird, unknown that he couldn't place it. Once again he lost in his thoughts. Though it didn't last long, as he saw Yuzuru skated a bit farther, closer to the barrier. He turned around so his back facing the crowd, his hand holding on to the top of the barrier. Javier couldn't see what he was doing. Then the latter slowly hunched and ended up squatting, body fully leaning against the barrier. He seemed not aware that Javier was watching him with eyes full of worry. The other skaters didn't seem care of what happened in the dark surroundings, they were busy either watching the pairs or chatting with others.

  
Javier was torn. He was worried about Yuzuru, and he wanted to confront him, but he didn't want to make a scene. He just hoped whatever that weird behavior was, it was nothing and Yuzuru would be alright. He was now standing farther, on the darker side. He watched the boy's every move while trying really hard to restrain himself from skated towards Yuzuru and asking whatever had been nagging on his mind lately. A few minutes passed, Yuzuru was back on his standing position, still holding onto the top of the barrier. Then, he slowly skated back to the crowd. He was silent, watching the pairs.

  
Unknowingly to everyone, Javier skated towards where Yuzuru formerly stood. In the darkness, his eyes caught a glimpse of a few scattered white things below him. He picked one of them, putting it on his other hand palm. As his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, he could see it. A sakura petal, the very same with what he had found days before, only with a bit darker color, and it was wet.

 

  
\------

 

  
The rest of the rehearsal went uneventfully. After two hours, it was finally ended. The crowds were beginning to disperse, going back to the locker room. Some of them were still standing outside it, waiting for whoever was already inside to finish their packing first.

  
Javier was one of the skaters outside the room. He chatted casually with some skaters. He glanced around occasionally, looking for Yuzuru. He just guessed he was already inside. Not long after, most of the skaters inside the room had finished and left, so that was the _outsiders'_ turn. Sitting on one of the benches, Javier took out his sneakers from his bag. He began unlacing his boots and took them off, wiping the blades, putting the protectors back, then putting them in his bag. The other skaters were already left. There were five remained, including him, and apparently, Yuzuru was still there too. His back was facing him. He was putting his boots in his suitcase, arranging it among his other things inside it. Again, he seemed not aware of Javier's eyes. His eyes were always downcast since his weird demeanor.

  
As the other three had left, there were only him and Yuzuru remained. He was still in the middle of tying his sneakers when from the corner of his eye he caught something reddish brown on his thumb and index finger. He drifted his gaze and raised his hand, examining them.

  
‘What's this?'

  
Curious, he raised both his hands, spreading the fingers. There were a few same color strokes on his other hand palm. He touched it to find it was dry. The same with what he had formerly spotted. Not until finding the answer, he saw Yuzuru stood up abruptly and ran towards the restroom. Without wasting any time he followed him, literally running. His heart pounding, both from running and his worry towards the Japanese.

  
He found him inside a cubicle, crouching on the floor. His head was above the toilet bowl, his back faced him. He was coughing violently, his hand gripped the edge of the bowl tightly that made his knuckles turn white. Javier quickly moved towards him, kneeling beside him, his hand draped around the younger's shoulder. His mind was fuzzy.

  
"Yuzu, what happens? Yuzu, please, wha-" he lost his words when he saw blood and sakura petals scattered inside the bowl.

  
Yuzuru didn't turn his head. He was still throwing up, it was very painful that he thought that pain was really going to kill him because of the amount. Beside him, Javier didn't do anything except watching him like that. He rubbed the latter's back softly, with the hope to soothe the pain. He was never really a fan of Japanese fiction or anything related to that, but he knew. He knew about it. The suspicions, the worry that had mounted in his mind finally had been answered, and it wasn't a good answer, at all. The red stains on his hands, they were blood. He could feel his eyes watering.

  
The Japanese had stopped throwing up. He bowed his head down, his hand was on his chest. His breathing was ragged and slightly trembled. His eyes closed tightly over the throbbing painful feeling in his chest. He whimpered in agony, his voice quivering.

  
"Yuzu..." he heard Javier called his name. He wanted to open his eyes, yet the pain insisted him not to. He slowly lifted his head.

  
Javier's eyes never left him. As the younger slowly raised his head, he could see the bloodstains on his slightly opened lips, the tear tracks on his cheeks, his tightly closed eyes, his furrowed brows, his pained expression.

  
"I- I'm sorry you- see it," Yuzuru spoke softly and very slowly. Another tear rolled down his cheek as he said that.

  
Javier couldn't help it. He let his tears fall. His hand cradled Yuzuru's face gently, and his other hand wiping the tear tracks and the bloodstains. His guilt for Yuzuru was getting deeper and deeper. He felt really bad at the time he rejected Yuzuru, and the worst of it was the fact that Yuzuru was dying because of him.

  
Upon feeling the touch, Yuzuru slowly opened his eyes. The pain was lessened slightly. His sight was still blurry of tears. He blinked several times, to make it clearer. More tears fell when he saw Javier's face right in front of him.

  
"Javi..." he whispered.

  
"What is this? Why didn't you tell me?"

  
"It- It's nothing..." Yuzuru dropped his gaze.

  
"It's not nothing at all. You're dying, you're dying because of me," Javier's voice slightly croaked. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

  
"I'm not. You- you don't have to worry. I'm fine."

  
"I really hope so too but in fact, you're not, Yuzu. Why did you hide it?"

  
"I don't want to bother Javi."

  
"You should do something, to remove it. I'll take you to hospital after this."

  
"I don't want to. I want to skate."

  
"It will make your condition worse, Yuzu."

  
"No. I'll be here tomorrow."

  
"Please don't. You will hurt yourself."

  
"I will not."

  
"Does your mother know?"

  
Yuzuru was silent, and Javier took it as a no.

  
"Yuzu, you have to. You really have to take an operation."

  
"No..."

  
"Why not?"

  
"I don't want to."

  
"What about your mother? Your family? Our coach? What if they find out, Yuzu? Do you even know how they would feel if they find out?"

  
"I don't want to bother."

  
"Why did you even think of that?"

 

Yuzuru didn't answer.

 

"You know what, I'm gonna tell Brian."

  
"No. Please don't tell. Please," the younger pleaded.

  
They were silent. Yuzuru lifted his gaze to meet Javier's watery eyes.

  
"You know, I'm here only a friend. And finding out about it feels like I've already lost you. What if they find out, how would they feel? Your mother, your family-" Javier didn't continue. His voice was thick with tears. "I- I don't wanna lose you."

  
Yuzuru bowed his head. A quiet sob escaped his lips. His entire body trembled. He covered his eyes with his hands, more sobs came. Javier soon enveloped him tightly in his arms. His hand still cradled the younger's head, caressing his head. He didn't whisper calming words to Yuzuru, as he himself was crying too.

  
"Please, take the operation," Javier whispered.

  
After a few moments of silence, or more likely the moments filled only the sounds of their sobs and sniffles, Yuzuru replied, "If I take it, I'll forget Javi..."

  
"I'd rather have you forget me, as long as I can still see you."

  
"Javi will be hurt."

  
"It's nothing compared to what I've done to you. I'm so sorry, Yuzuru."

  
They were still in each other arms. Both were still crying. Javier tightened his holds around Yuzuru. His heart really ached to imagine the pain that the Japanese had been through. Burying his feelings, being rejected, and the hanahaki... Oh god, and he kept it to himself all this time. And the picture of his life without him, he couldn't imagine.

  
"Please, take it. I don't wanna lose you."

 

  
~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, that's it. How is it? x'D  
> Too much drama? Or too plain? lol  
> Tell me :D
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon!
> 
> Thank you for reading! :D


	11. The Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again! :D
> 
> I've told everyone that this chapter will be up next week, but apparently I've finished it earlier, so I'll just update xD
> 
> I've reread this chapter many times but still I'm not sure if this is angsty enough *again '':l  
> I'm still learning to make up the words and sentences, tho. I can feel whenever I read other fic and then I read mine, there's a huge difference haha. 
> 
> If I made any mistakes about anything in this chapter, please correct me :)
> 
> I hope it's not too monotonous, and not too cheesy x'D
> 
> Anyway, happy reading! :)
> 
> CatsAndSugars

The gala was going to be started in an hour. All skaters were still spending their time doing the makeups and costumes in the locker rooms. Everyone felt like needing to prepare their appearances before presenting in front of the audiences. It was the exhibition, where they were given chance to show their ability as performers, so appearance did carry a big effect on it. Aside from that, the exhibition was the most fun part of the competition. All skaters were able to enjoy the atmosphere without any pressure of competitiveness. So, having fun while giving their best appearance, why not?

 

The females' locker room was full of chattering. Some of the skaters had finished with their makeups and costumes, some others were still being dressed up by their makeup artists, and some more others were talking. The same in the males' room. Only unlike the females, they all had finished with their overall appearance, as they didn't need full makeup nor the makeup artist. Everyone was blending, chatting and joking. Except for one particular skater.

  
Sitting at the corner of the room, Javier was absentmindedly unlocking and locking his phone over and over again. He wasn't in the mood to blend. The memory of the previous day still dancing vividly in his mind. His heart still ached at the sight of pained Yuzuru, increasing the guilt inside him to the peak. As Javier brought his vision around, he caught the glimpse of the Japanese. Yuzuru looked so vulnerable before. And there he was, sitting between Misha and Alex, smiling and joking around with the others as if nothing ever happened. It was unfair, Javier thought. Yuzuru was the one with the disease, yet he was still capable of joking and smiling. Contrary with Javier, who couldn't bring himself to blend in and do the same thing. He glanced briefly at him.

  
Sighing, he put down his phone beside him. Straightening his neck, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, hoping it would help him to be more relaxed.

  
Yuzuru was still catching his breath. The joke that Sergei had cracked was successful to make everyone including him burst of laughter. From the corner of his eye, he saw his rinkmate sitting alone, eyes closed. He quickly excused himself from the group and move towards the Spaniard.

  
Sensing someone's presence in front of him, Javier opened his eyes to find Yuzuru standing there. He had a small smile on his face.

  
"Javi okay?" he asked softly.

  
"It's me who should ask that," Javier chuckled humourlessly. Yuzuru allowed himself to sat beside him.

  
Javier looked at his costume. The kimono-like top with different color of both sides. The right side was blue and the left was white. Both sides adorned with rhinestones, and cherry blossoms on the white. He thought it was really beautiful, and matched with Yuzuru's figure. Though the sight of the cherry blossoms made his mood worsen, they kept reminding him of the petals and blood.

  
"Don't be sad, I'm still here."

  
_‘How much longer will you be here?'_

  
"You shouldn't skate today. You should've rested," it came a little harsher than he intended, making the younger flinched slightly. "Sorry."

  
"If I'm not here, who would be with you?"

  
"Everyone, everyone in this room."

  
"Really? If I don't come here, you would be lonely."

  
"I'm not. I can join them if I feel lonely," Javier pointed at the group.

  
"Then why not join?"

  
"I'm not lonely, I just don't feel like talking to anyone."

  
Yuzuru didn't respond. He fidgeted with his fingers around the loose sleeves of his costume. His face was neutral.

  
"I want to skate. This could be my last skate. I'll skate no matter what."

  
"Don't say that," Javier said quickly.

  
Upon hearing that too quick response, Yuzuru automatically draped his arm around his shoulder.

  
"Don't be sad. Cheer up, Javi. I'll be fine," he smiled, assuring.

  
"Really?"

  
"Yes."

  
They exchanged an understanding look.  He felt a little easier as a small smile formed on the older's lips. Though, he still couldn't lie to himself about his sadness upon seeing Javier's formerly expression.

 

  
\------

 

  
The exhibition gala had begun. It was split into two sessions. The first session was started with all skaters introduction. Each skater was called and they would present a brief choreography. When Yuzuru's name was called, he presented himself, gracefully as usual, but unlike the other skaters who included jumps in theirs, he just did spins. He actually was going to do jumping when suddenly he felt like those tiny roots inside him had pierced his lungs. He winced in pain, even he was on the verge of losing his consciousness for a few seconds as he span before eventually the pain decreased and he started regaining back his composure. He stopped his spin gradually, then bowed in gratitude to the cheering audiences.

  
After the introduction, the exhibition started. The order of the performances was sorted randomly, except for the winners of all categories, they were placed to perform near the end of the gala. One by one skater performed their ex programs and impressed the audiences with choreographies and various costume. Around an hour later, the first session was ended and soon the second session would be started after the rest for about ten minutes.

  
In the same corner of the locker room like earlier,

  
"Hey."

  
Yuzuru opened his eyes as he heard the voice. Javier was sitting beside him, a look of concern on his face.

  
"Hey," the Japanese replied softly.

  
"You alright? I saw you taking deep breaths many times. Is it your chest?" Javier brows furrowed.

  
"I'm okay. I just feel nervous."

  
He said that to make Javier calmer. It wasn't entirely a lie, though. He did feel nervous from the introduction earlier. He couldn't even jump because of the pain. He was afraid if he wouldn't be able to jump again. And he was afraid that he might stop during his skate and not be able to continue because of the worsening pain that had already upgraded into a whole new level since the previous night, that it nearly robbed his consciousness on his introduction earlier.

  
"It's okay, I feel nervous too," Javier grabbed his hand, squeezing it.

  
"Your turn next, right?"

  
"Yes."

  
"Good luck, Javi."

  
"Thanks. You too, Yuzu," his other hand ruffled the younger's hair.

  
"Mine's still far."

  
"Doesn't mean I can't wish you a good luck earlier."

  
Yuzuru chuckled lightly. He brought his other hand to clasp around Javier's hand. They looked at each other's eyes. Until Javier broke his gaze, his head bowed down. When he saw a tear fell from the latter's eye, he brought both his hands to cradle his face.

  
"Hey, don't cry," he whispered.

  
How could Javier not? One of the closest person to him was literally dying from a severe illness that he always thought it wasn't real and he couldn't do anything about it. And worse, it was him who caused it. He was afraid, he was afraid of losing Yuzuru. He was beginning to realize his feeling when he was already on the verge of losing him.

  
"You'll be fine, okay?"

  
‘I can't promise.'

  
"Yes. I'll be fine."

  
Yuzuru hugged him. His hands rubbing the other's back in a comforting manner, even though he actually needed it too. They were unaware of the understanding stares the other skaters gave to them.

  
Yuzuru pulled away first, and in the middle of it, he kissed Javier's cheek, and he held it there for a few moments, absorbing the feeling. Just in case he wouldn't have any more chance to do it after that day. Once again he wished Javier a good luck before Javier left.

  
Not long after, the second session was started. Javier quickly did some touch-ups to fix his appearance before he skated on the ice as he got the first turn in that session. As the ‘When I Was Your Man' by Bruno Mars started to play, he began his skate. He glided his feet effortlessly as he got carried away with the music. His unbuttoned shirt was flying erratically from his fast movement. He did his first jump and the audiences cheered.

  
The burning, tingling feeling on his right cheek where Yuzuru had kissed him was unmistakable, that he caressed it a few times with a smile gracing his face whenever he did that.

  
He had executed all his jumps cleanly. As the song was brought to an end, he stopped gradually and froze his movement for the ending pose. The audiences cheered and clapped, some whistlings were heard too. He bowed as the sign of his gratitude for the appreciation they gave to him.

  
Yuzuru was the last performer. There were around ten more performers after Javier's turn and before his turn. When the ice dancers pair before him was called, he was instructed to standby. He was at the entrance to the ice rink, waiting for the pair to finish their skate. Then, his name was finally called and he skated to the center of the ice to get ready. The audiences cheered wildly, enthusiastic upon watching his skate.

  
He smiled briefly before closing his eyes and waited for the music. The crowd went silent. As the piano intro of the "Hana Ni Nare" started to play, he opened his eyes and began to glide himself smoothly, drowning in the song.

  
_‘Anata wa ima waraetemasu ka?' (Can you smile now?)_

  
Yuzuru started mouthing the lyrics as he had perfectly memorized the lyrics of the song.

  
_‘Donna iki wo shitemasu ka?' (How do you breathe?)_

  
_‘Hitogomi ni tsuyogarinagara' (While pretending to be strong in front of people)_

  
_‘Makenai you ni to aruite irun darou' (You must be walking, as though there were no problem)_

  
Most of the choreography he did was actually the lyrics expressed in sign language. By mouthing and expressing it simultaneously, he could really feel the song to the core. He felt like he was talking to himself through the lyrics.

  
_‘Ashimoto no sono hana de sae' (Even those flowers beneath your feet)_

  
_‘Ikirukoto wo mayoi wa shinai' (Don't hesitate to live)_

  
He prepared himself to jump, and he was nervous about it.

  
_‘Ikite yuke' (Go on living)_

  
He jumped, and he succeeded. He landed cleanly without any problem. At that point, his chest began to tighten. There, the prickling feeling came back. He knew well if it came back, it wouldn't just go away, not until the petals and blood escaped. He only could wish for being able to finish his performance and not losing his consciousness in the middle of it.

  
_‘Bokura wa ima, kaze no naka de' (Now, in the wind)_

  
_‘Sorezore no sora wo miageteru' (We look up at our own skies)_

  
_‘Butsukatte iin da' (It's okay to collide)_

  
_‘Naitatte iin da' (It's okay to cry)_

  
_‘Dokoka ni kotae wa aru kara' (Because somewhere out there, there's an answer)_

  
He prepared to jump again. This time there was a fear, as that pain slowly intensified and started to suffocate him. But he was stubborn for a reason, to become unbeatable. And he was determined to stay unbeatable, not letting himself being beaten by anyone, anything, even the pain inside his own body.

  
_‘Akiramenaide' (Don't give up)_

  
Once again he succeeded in executing his jump, although he slipped a little upon the landing and nearly fell. He still managed to keep his balance and kept gliding on the ice. The lyric he did the jump at was powerful for him. Don't give up. And he wouldn't, he wouldn't give up for that silly pain.

  
_‘Donna ashita mo kurushii hodo' (No matter how painful the future will be)_

  
_‘Sono inochi wa tsuyoku kagayaku' (Your life will shine brightly)_

  
_‘Kaze ni tatsu ichirin' (One flower stands in the wind)_

  
_‘Bokutachi mo hana ni nareru' (We can become flowers too)_

  
At that point, it was unbearable. He had to put his hand on his chest many times. And fortunate for him, he was clever enough to conceal it with graciousness of his movement, so people would think it was part of the choreography.

  
The sound of the piano and strings filled the air. Yuzuru still kept going with his movements despite the torture. He knew the petals were going to escape in any seconds. They were already settled in his throat. Just a little kick of the pain and they would escape automatically. The dynamic of the interlude gradually soften as it came to a quiet refrain.

  
_‘Kotae no nai mainichi ni tachidomatte mo' (Even if we stop at each day without an answer)_

  
He quickly covered his hand on his mouth. Petals and blood did escape into it. The consciousness slowly started to fade. It was like everything he did to brace himself, to ignore the painful feeling, was in vain. It seemed the pain couldn't accept the ignorance and kept on showing its existence, increasing its intensity so that he wouldn't be able to ignore it anymore. And yet, he was still able to manage his choreography in such situation without attracting any attention.

  
_‘Sono namida wa hajimari no sain' (Those tears are a sign of a beginning)_

  
His tears were flowing. The petals and blood had stopped, and the pain still stayed. His palm was bloodstained, with some petals still stuck on there. No one seemed to notice it, though.

  
_‘Hora taiyou ga, yasashii kaze ga' (Look, the sun, and the gentle wind)_

  
_‘Bokura wo mitsumeteiru kara' (Are gazing at us)_

  
By that time, black dots started to appear on his vision. He didn't do any more jumps for the rest of his skate. The choreography sequence he did was wrong, and he didn't care. He couldn't think straight, not when he felt like his lung was squeezed and pierced at the same time. All he cared about was that he had to finish his skate, no matter what. And after that, he would give up, unlike at first when he determined not to. Because he couldn't stand the pain anymore.

  
The song finally came to an end. He lowered his speed of spin gradually, then he stopped and raised both his hands as an ending pose. His breathing was ragged, and he could feel the roots piercing as his lungs inflated and deflated from him taking deep breaths. It was really terrible feeling. Despite it, he still could smile widely at the loudly cheering and clapping audiences. The MC announced his name as he bowed in gratitude to all the four sides of the rink arena. His smile was wide, full of relief that he finally could finish it. When he skated to the side to go back to the entrance, he suddenly lost his balance and fell on his knees, with one of his hand supporting his body. The audiences gasped, many murmurs filled the air.

  
He couldn't hold it anymore. The petals and blood escaped again, poured on his palm. There were much more of it. As he started to lose control of his hand, he unconsciously loosened his fingers, and the blood began trickling down his hand through between them. Some of it dropped to the ice. His whole body was shaking.

  
Then, there were loud gasps near where he was, as the audiences at that side noticed the trickling blood on his hand. His lips were bloodstained. Many of them called his name, some of them even cried in worry, making the audiences on the other sides curious. It was kind of chaotic.

 

  
\------

 

A few minutes earlier at the locker room, Javier was talking to Sergei. The Russian asking about his moodiness, which he answered that it was just because there was something in his mind. Sergei asked him about Yuzuru, and when he was going to answer, he heard many audiences called Yuzuru's name, but not with the cheery tone like usually he heard them. He frowned. He knew it was like the type of calling when someone had an accident on the ice. He quickly excused himself from Sergei and ran to the entrance. His blood went cold at the sight Yuzuru kneeled down with bloodstained hand. He took off his blade protectors and quickly skated towards the Japanese.

  
The crowd went wild, the cries intensified when they saw Javier. Some of them started calling his name too.

  
Javier kneeled beside Yuzuru. He held him closely, worry and fear blending in when he saw the Japanese choked on his breath. His own body slightly shook against Yuzuru's trembling one.

  
"Just hold on for a moment, Yuzu. I know you can. You have promised me. You must stay. Please hold on," Javier whispered.

  
Yuzuru was already at the edge of unconsciousness when he heard Javier's voice. He also felt the Spaniard's arms around his own. It made him smile a little. He didn't even know if he would survive, but he was happy, at least Javier was with him.

  
"I know you're stronger than this, Yuzu. Hold on. Don't give up. You must stay. You must stay here with me. Just hold on. They will come soon. You're strong, Yuzu, I know you are," Javier said a bit louder, hoping it would help strengthening Yuzuru.

  
Javier's words indeed made him stronger and stay awake a bit longer, even though it wasn't that long. He finally gave in to the pain, letting the darkness took over himself. The health crews finally showed up and skated towards Yuzuru and Javier. But before they could reach both of them, Yuzuru suddenly went limp against Javier. The health crews quickly brought him out of the ice rink to avoid more attention, even though it was late. They put on an oxygen mask to him first before eventually bringing him to hospital for more advanced help.

  
The gala was continued, only with a different atmosphere. Some of the skaters even cried upon knowing what had happened to Yuzuru. Everyone gathered at the center of the rink. Except one.

  
Javier sat on the bench that previously had been occupied by Yuzuru. He didn't join the other skaters to continue the gala, as he just wanted to be alone. His elbows on his knees, his eyes downcast. His heart felt numb.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

 

~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, how is it? Sad? Too much drama? Lame? Cheesy? x''D  
> Tell me! :D
> 
> Once again, I AM SO SORRY for making Yuzu's character suffer a lot, I feel really really terrible, tho x'(  
> This chapter is the core of the title, btw, Yuzuru skated to Hana Ni Nare. When I watched the ex for the first time, I cried. I didn't even know the meaning of the song, but it was full of emotion. And then the idea popped into my head. And here it is. This fic is created, and for the first time I don't abandon my fic lol. I usually discontinue my other fics out of boredom and having no idea, or not in the mood to continue them. What an irresponsible human being x''D
> 
> This is the link of the video of Yuzu's Hana Ni Nare that inspires me to make this fic at the first place:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLhQlGTsYrE&t=77s
> 
> And for the translation of the song, I picked from http://nihongolearner.blogspot.co.id/2013/01/hana-ni-nare-by-sashida-fumiya-lyrics.html and also from the link above. Thank you for the translations, btw! Kudos to them <3
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading!
> 
>  


	12. The Afterward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The afterward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again! :)
> 
> This is the next chapter. This one is not intense - the previous is the most intense one tho.
> 
> In this chapter, I use some medical terms that I know well in my own language but I don't know much what they are in English.  
> *English is actually my third language.  
> So, if I made some mistake, do correct me :)  
> Hope it's not too cheesy. Hope you enjoy :)
> 
> This story is pure fiction. Everything happens in here is only my imagination. And I have no intention to offend anyone. 
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Cass

 

 

 

Yuzuru opened his eyes groggily. A bright light pierced through his eyes, insisting him to close them back, then he reopened them again, slowly adjusting. Everything was white there. He thought he had already died, before a pang in his chest appeared. All part of his body felt sore as if he had been still in one position for a long time. He tried to move his fingers, to move his hands. There was an intravenous tube put on his left hand. _‘So I’m in hospital’_ , he thought. He could feel a respiratory tube was put on his nostrils. He felt his breathing lighter, that was why. From the corner of his eye, he saw his mother, sitting on a chair near the window. She was reading, and she looked occupied with her thoughts, he could tell. He was hesitant to call her, not wanting to interrupt. But he missed her, and just called her anyway.

 

_“Mom...”_

 

Yumi instantly lifted her head, hardly believed that her son had woken up. Closing the book she was reading, she quickly put it down and approached him, her eyes glistening.

 

_“Yuzu-kun,”_ she hugged him and soon rained him with kisses all over his face, which only made him giggling weakly. She caressed his face affectionately. Her eyes held so many emotions. As a tear fell on her cheek, he raised his hand to wipe it.

 

_“Don’t cry, Mom.”_

 

She held his hand there. She was so relieved that he finally gained consciousness. Yet she was worried about his condition, that she thought he had no problem aside from his asthma before but it turned out to be more serious. And his secretive behavior about his disease made her mad. Those feelings all mixed, that she couldn’t pinpoint what exactly she was feeling.

 

_“I’m so worried about you, Yuzu-kun. I’m happy you finally wake up. Next time don’t ever make me worry to death again,”_ she said softly. _“How do you feel?”_

 

_“You don’t need to worry about me, Mom. I’m okay.”_

 

_“Why didn’t you tell me anything?”_

 

_“I just don’t want to bother you. I’m a grown man, now.”_

 

_“_ Baka. _I’m your mother, you’ll never bother me, I’m still responsible for you, even though you’re a grown-up man, Yuzu-kun.”_

 

His heart clenched at the sight of tears escaping her eyes again. He moved his thumb on her cheek to wipe it.

 

_“Stop crying, Mom. I’m gonna cry too if you don’t stop,”_ he could feel his eyes watering.

 

_“You’ve been unconscious for two days. I’m just so happy you finally wake up. I thought I lost you already.”_

 

‘Two days? Wow. That's why my body feels sore in all places.’

 

_“I won’t go anywhere, Mom.”_

 

_“The doctor will be here in any time now. He’ll check you up.”_

 

Yuzuru just nodded. He suddenly felt thirsty. _“Mom, can you pass me the water?”_ he pointed the water bottle on the nightstand beside his bed. Yumi quickly took it and pour the water into a plastic glass, then guiding him to drink it.

 

The door was suddenly opened, revealing Brian behind it. Seeing Yuzuru had woken up made him relieved, as he immediately approached him. The young man smiled a little at him.

 

“Hey, Brian,” Yuzuru greeted weakly.

 

“Hey to you too. How are you feeling now?” Brian reached his hand to his pupil’s head, patting it softly.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

_“Brian Sensei had been here since that night. Tracy Sensei had returned to Canada yesterday,”_ Yumi said. He just nodded.

 

“Everyone was worried about you, Yuzu. Your skater friends were here visiting you yesterday.”

 

“I’ll tell them my thanks, later.”

 

“Javi was here too.”

 

“He was?"

 

“Yes. But he had returned to Canada with Tracy, there’s something he has to take care. He said he was sorry that he couldn’t be here when you wake up.”

 

“It’s fine. I’ll tell him my thanks when we meet again.”

 

Then, doctor. Iwata, the doctor who handled him, and a nurse came to do an immediate check up on him. As the nurse took care of his needs, the doctor Iwata asked him a few things, about how he was feeling and about the disease. He answered the questions hesitantly, but he knew he shouldn’t lie. And everything was finally revealed. His mother and Brian couldn’t believe that he had hidden it from everyone for almost five months. Brian was the one who was shocked the most. He had seen how hard Yuzuru trained for the last five months, and at that time he did his training while carrying a deadly disease inside him. And he never once complained. And again he still managed to compete and win a gold medal.

 

Since the first night he was there, Yumi and Brian had been told all about the hanahaki by doctor Iwata, only it hadn’t been known how long the disease had infected him. They were also told about the only medical treatment for it, which was only a surgery removal, the benefits and the risks of it, that either it could save or endanger him. At first, he was going to be placed on an intensive care unit room, but his condition was stable despite after what had happened to him and his unconscious state. And it was proven, after two days he finally gained consciousness. He did feel lighter than the days before. The pain was still there but wasn’t as tightening as before. He just thought it was due to no any hard activities he had done, as he was fully rested.

 

After finishing the immediate check-up, doctor Iwata told him to do a CT scan to get more detailed results the next two days, while waiting for him to gain his strength. When they left, Yumi followed them.

 

_“Excuse me, doctor.”_

 

_“Yes, Ma’am?”_

 

_“I just want to ask for sure. Isn’t there another way to heal it?”_

 

_“I’m afraid not. The only medical treatment that can be done for it is only surgery, Ma’am.”_

 

_“Then please do the surgery, doctor. I just want him to heal.”_

 

_“The procedure should be done with the patient’s consent. So he has to agree about it first, as this procedure is very risky. If he agrees then we’ll do it, and if he doesn’t then we won’t do it. Just talk to him first about it.”_

 

Meanwhile at the same time with Yumi left, Brian talked to Yuzuru.

 

“You know, now the media is hungry for your news. Your breakdown after perform is like a main course for them.”

 

“So everyone knows, then, about this stupid disease,” Yuzuru said sullenly.

 

“Not everyone. We’ve made it up to them. That your breakdown is caused by a digestion problem. Of course we respect your privacy, Yuzu. We won’t tell them anything without your permission.”

 

“Thank you, then.”

 

“You’re crazy, really. I can’t believe you did everything while you’re severely sick. You should’ve told me, this could be fatal, you know.”

 

Yuzuru just chuckled. “I just don’t like it when everyone worried about me.”

 

“We care about you, Yuzu. Of course we’ll be worried if something happens to you. And we’ll help you. You’re never alone. Remember that.”

 

“Yeah, thanks, Brian.”

 

“You should rest now.”

 

“I just wake up and already told to rest again.”

 

“Rest doesn’t always mean sleeping, you know. You’ve talked much, so you need rest from talking.”

 

“Yeah, fine.”

 

“I’ll go for a moment. Your mother still talked with the doctor, maybe she’ll return in a minute.”

 

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine alone.”

 

“Oh, and I should tell you that I’ll leave tomorrow. There's something I have to attend there, is that okay with you?”

 

“Yeah, it’s fine. My mom’s here anyway. Thanks for being here.”

 

“Sure. I’ll be back later. Bye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

As Yuzuru was left alone, he let his mind wander. He missed Javier. He was a bit disappointed knowing the latter had already left, but he was glad that at least the Spaniard had visited him, even though when he wasn’t awake yet.

 

 

 

\------

 

 

 

The next two days, Yuzuru did the CT scan procedure. He had gained strength and wasn’t as weak as the first day he woke up. The procedure took around an hour, and the result came in the next two hours. He felt like he was having Deja Vu. Like what he did when he was back in Canada with doctor Nakajima. Along with Yumi, he met doctor Iwata.

 

As they were seated, doctor Iwata started to explain while showing the image result of his CT scan. Yumi stiffened as she saw it. Upon seeing her reaction, Yuzuru clasped his hand around hers, squeezing it softly.

 

_“This is the current condition of your lungs.”_

 

The image was almost the same with his last CT scan result. Only there were far more roots. A few of them were bigger, almost the same size as prominent veins. And there were much more petals inside, that he couldn’t believe he still could breathe despite the amount.

 

_“You must have relapsed many times before today, right? With more petals and more blood?”_ doctor Iwata asked, and Yuzuru just nodded.

 

_“Then this is the cause. The petals have multiplied. They were really, really close to blocking your respiratory tract. And the roots, the bigger they grow, they will be more tightly pressed to your lungs, and then causing frictions. The amount of pain depends on the size. The smaller ones contribute in adding the constant pain. And the bigger ones take the role to increase the pain. It’s also the frictions that cause your bleeding.”_

 

_“Oh my god, Yuzu-kun...”_ she whispered helplessly.

 

Yuzuru tightened his clasp on her hand, his thumb drawing circles to at least lessen her stiffness.

 

_“Your unconscious state days ago was caused by the combination of both the blocking of the petals and the friction. And also your lungs have been overworked, caused by exhaustion. The harder you do your activities, the harder your lungs work, means that the friction happens more and more times and that will escalate the pain. Normally when you experienced exhaustion, you’ll have the attack as you have asthma, if you're not infected by hanahaki. But since you are, that’s what happens."_

 

Yuzuru just nodded solemnly.

 

_“However, there’s something interesting that we found.”_

 

_“What do you mean?”_ Yuzuru asked.

 

_“The roots left traces on your lungs. In many spots, there are only the traces. It means that the roots were there before, and now they are either diminishing or gone.”_

 

_“Really?”_

 

_“Yes. Here’s the example,”_ doctor Iwata showed him a spot. There were tiny roots everywhere, but he could see what the doctor meant. There were a few traces indeed.

 

_“Can you see it? The roots are diminished and leave traces. However, they will still cause the friction along the process, which means that you'll still experience the pain.”_

 

_“Yes, I can see it. Is it a positive progress?”_

 

_“Yes, it is a positive one, that’s an indication that the disease starts to heal. Though we very rarely have patients with the same problem as you, we’ve treated one, but it’s been quite long time ago. He regularly checked his condition, and we observed his progress too. The roots started to diminish and leave traces, and after two or three months, only the traces remained. And then the lung will recover itself. I guess whoever it is, that person has returned your feelings.”_

 

_“I think it’s not it. It’s just because I haven’t done any hard activities lately. So I don’t overwork my lungs.”_

 

_“That’s quite right, too. It does lessen the friction. However, just be sure about it. Be sure if you'll be healthy again."_

 

_“Yes, doctor. Thank you.”_

 

_“Thank you very much, doctor,”_ Yumi finally spoke after being speechless.

 

 

 

\------

 

 

 

_“Yuzu-kun.”_

 

Yuzuru turned his head, meeting Yumi’s solemn gaze in front of him. He knew well that tone, she was serious.

 

_“What is it, Mom?”_

 

_“You have to take the operation. To make it gone. I don’t want to see you like this again.”_

 

Yuzuru just smiled sadly.

 

_“It holds a big risk, Mom. Basically, the result, if it fails, will be the same as if I leave this untreated.”_

 

_“But if it succeeds, you’ll be entirely healed. You will not feel the pain anymore. You can continue your skating career without any obstacle. You have to, Yuzu-kun. Please, for me,”_ she held his hands tightly.

 

Yuzuru didn’t reply. He looked away, eyes empty. Her pleading eyes, he could never stare at them. The surgery was indeed very tempting. An instant cure, not that instant actually because it took a quite long time. Only, once it was succeeded, he would never feel the pain again, there would be no more petals and blood. His suffering would be ended in no time. He wouldn’t make everyone worried about him again. He could collect more and more golds without doubt, and make his career more and more shining. Mostly, he would make his mother happy. He could do everything he always wanted to do, for himself, for his mother, his family, for everyone else.

 

But then, to earn them all, he had to trade them with his feelings. Doing the surgery meant that he sacrificed Javier for his own life. Once it was done, Javier would be nobody to him. He would forget everything, the feelings, the memories. He would treat Javier like a stranger, cold and not caring. He couldn’t bring himself to imagine how Javier would feel. After what Javier had done to him, for always being at his side, it was far too cruel.

 

_“I actually have thought about it. And I wanted to do it. But, it will be unfair for someone if I do it."_

 

_“If you don’t do it, it will be unfair for you too. You’ve been hurt, Yuzu-kun.”_

 

_“Even though if it will be unfair for me, doesn’t mean that I have to be unfair too. I'm sorry, I think I'll pass, Mom. Because,”_ he stopped. A small smile drawn on his lips. _“I still have faith, for my feelings to be returned.”_

 

 

 

~~~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it!  
> How's it? Tell me :)  
> Sorry for Javi's absence '':D
> 
>  
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon.  
> Thank you for reading!  
> :)


	13. The Fight and the Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight and the meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again :)
> 
>  
> 
> This is the next chapter.  
> This chapter is mostly from Javier's third pov.
> 
> I hope it's not too cheesy lol
> 
> Happy reading! :D
> 
> Cass

 

‘I'm sorry'.

  
Yuzuru pressed the send button on his phone screen. He closed his eyes tightly, not letting even a single tear escaped. Though, it was useless. One had escaped and he wiped it angrily. He was weak and he hated it.

 

  
\------

 

  
Javier tried hard not to listen to his girlfriend's ramblings. It had been the third time of the week already they had a fight. All she had complained was about Yuzuru, Yuzuru, and Yuzuru. It began since the day when he returned from Japan. Apparently, she saw a video of him holding an unconscious Yuzuru at the gala on the internet, and her jealousy peaked. She had many times accused him of having an affair with Yuzuru.

  
"You know, I've talked honestly for God knows how many times already today. I'm not having an affair with him. What do you think I am?!" Javier said incredulously.

  
"Don't deny it! It's all written on your face. Do you think I'm blind for not seeing that expression on your face when you're holding him? Why should you hold him like that?"

  
"He's sick, you know that. And he needed a help. His face would've hit the ice if I didn't hold him."

  
"Ah, so now you're all worried about him. Why did you suddenly become that caring with him? There were medical crews, they came immediately, you didn't need to act all worried and affectionate to him, he'll still survive without your help."

  
"I'm not that heartless to let him fall on the ice. He was in pain. How could I let him like that while I just watched? He needed support. Stop being unemphatic."

  
"You treated him like you love him!"

  
"Of course I love him. He's my friend. And he had been with me longer than you."

  
"So now you're comparing me with him? Javi, I'm your girlfriend. What do you mean comparing how long you've been with me and him? To prove that you love him more than me? To show that you indeed care a lot more about him than me?"

  
"If you don't push me like that I wouldn't have compared you and him. You two are different parts of my life that I would never compare, but you make me."

  
"Now you're blaming me."

  
"So everything is my fault, then?"

  
"Stop lying and just tell me the truth. You're having an affair with him. You two play behind me."

  
"What do you expect my answer to satisfy you? That it's true I'm having affair with him? Fine, if that's what will satisfy you, then it is. Think what you like. I've been saying the truth."

  
"I've had had this suspicion for a long time and I was right all along."

  
"How can you conclude like that when you already know the truth? You're just assuming things. I've been doing nothing but saying the truth."

  
"Do you have an idea how hurt I am seeing you with him like that? It looked like you have feelings for him, just say the truth" her tone softened, her eyes glistening.

  
It offended him in some way. How she dared to think that she was the most hurting.

  
_‘He's been hurt more than you, longer than you. But he never once complained'_ , Javier thought. Although, he actually felt guilty for hurting her feelings. At least, he was telling her the truth that he didn't have affair with him.

  
"Please, believe me, it's nothing. I just helped him, giving him some support. Nothing more. Why can't you believe me?" Javier asked, surrendering.

  
"You have feelings for him, don't you?"

  
"Why can't you just believe me?" Javier averted her question. He couldn't lie about it, that he did have feelings for Yuzuru. Was he that transparent?

  
They were silent for a few moments. Both averted their gazes. She was sniffling, her hand occasionally wiping the tears from her face.

  
"You know what, maybe you better break up with me, if you're hurting like this. I never meant to hurt you."

  
"There, you want a breakup. So it's really true."

  
"How do I suppose to keep a relationship when my own girlfriend doesn't even believe me? If you're keeping me, you'll be hurt for always thinking about it. And I don't want to hurt you by defending this relationship."

  
"I'm not breaking up with you. It's you who should break up with him, end your affair with him," she said firmly.

  
"Not this again. I'm not having an affair with Yuzuru, got it?!" he half shouted, annoyed. "If you don't believe me, then we should break up."

  
"I don't wanna break up."

  
"We'll discuss this again later. All you can do to me is just accusing me and not believing me. That won't resolve this. Let's just calm ourselves now."

 

  
\------

 

  
Javier strode from the locker room to the rink, already changed into his training attire and wearing his boots, ready to start the practice. He saw Brian with Ghislain talking at the corner of the rinkside, so he quickly approached them for a usual greeting. He heard they were mentioning Yuzuru's name in their talk.

  
"Hey, Brian, Ghislain," he greeted.

  
"Hey. You're early today," Brian remarked, raising his eyebrows in amusement.

  
"Just my luck."

  
"You're not eavesdropping our conversation so you decide to come early, are you, Javi?" Ghislain asked teasingly, while Brian only chuckled. They knew Javier had heard them.

  
"What? No, of course. As I say, just my luck that I can come earlier. I used to come earlier too before this," Javier remembered his former routine with Yuzuru, coming early for practice. And suddenly he felt nostalgic.

  
"Yeah, we know. You know we're talking about Yuzu right before you arrive. I wonder, how's that boy doing? Is he getting better?"

  
"The last time I was there, he had woken up, and he seemed fine but still weak. Javi, do you happen to know his latest condition?" Brian asked.

  
"Actually, that was what I was going to ask you. I don't know anything, haven't heard and haven't received any news about him."

  
"I hope he's doing well now."

  
"We all do. I worry if he can't make it for Finals. It's only in three more weeks."

  
"He will. I'm sure. He's tough," Javier exclaimed optimistically.

  
"Yeah, hope so. Now Javi, warm up."

  
"Aye-aye, Boss," he took off the blade protectors and stepped to the ice, soon doing his warm up. His mind was boggled, though. He really wondered how Yuzuru was doing, and when he would be able to practice with him again. He missed him, for sure.

 

  
\------

 

  
"I've told you, I'm telling the truth."

  
It was the fourth time of the week that Javier and his girlfriend fought again over the same thing. Their fight still continued and seemed to never had a solution because both were stubborn with their own opinion.

  
"You're not. You know, Javi, I've had this suspicion long before your competition. And our last video call confirmed it. You told me much, too much for me, about Yuzuru. I just asked one question and you responded with many answers and it was like you really understood him more than you understand me. I was jealous, that was why I hung up. I was hurt."

  
Javier averted his gaze from her. He remembered that, when she asked about how Yuzuru was doing and he started gushing about him, yet he didn't realize that it was too much. He was confused why she suddenly hung up, but he didn't put much attention to it, and he knew now.

  
"That's it. You really should break up with me. You're always hurt, and I don't want to hurt you more. You deserve someone better than me."

  
"Javi, don't you know what I want?"

  
"What?"

  
"I want to defend our relationship. I don't wanna break up. All you've talked is only break up and break up. I just want you to distance yourself from Yuzuru a little. He's just a friend, right? But you make it like he's my competitor. And I feel so stupid for ever thinking that Yuzuru is my competitor. But he is, isn't he, Javi?"

  
"Again."

  
"You and him are rivals. Why don't you two behave like ones? It's better like that."

  
"I'm tired, you know. We never have a fight this long and this often. I'm tired of being accused. And I can't accept your blame towards my friendship with Yuzu. Yes, we're rivals, in competition. We don't have to be rivals in real life. We've become friends because we can accept each other, we believe in each other. That's why things between me and him always work. If you can be like that, it's possible for me to defend this relationship."

  
"You want me to be like him, don't you?"

  
"No, I-"

  
"You're siding with him."

  
"No, I'm not siding with him. I'm just stating a fact."

  
"Yes, the fact. The fact that you're siding with him, the fact that you prefer him to me. The fact that it's true, you have feelings for him and you're having affair with him."

  
"That again. I'm tired. This will never end if you keep assuming things like that. Let's just break up. You won't be hurt again."

  
"So you can officialize your affair with him, then?"

  
Javier covered his face with his hands. He sighed desperately.

  
"I'm not continuing this discussion. I'm tired, you know."

 

  
\------

 

  
After ten days staying in the hospital, that day, Yuzuru was finally released. Doctor Iwata said that his condition was improving, that was why. Before stepping out of there, the doctor warned him, that he wasn't allowed to skate first until he was fully recovered, to avoid any unwanted situation. That same day, he returned straight to Canada with Yumi.  
Everything was starting to go back as usual. The next day, he went to the rink. His return was welcomed warmly by everyone there. No one didn't know what happened to him, so they expressed their relief and happiness for his recovery. Of course, he replied them all with a big gratitude. When Tracy saw him, she quickly enveloped him in a hug, asking the question he was actually bored to answer, about his condition, but he still answered it anyway. He was glad though, he could come back there and met those people he usually saw every day, he kind of missed them as their presence was a constant in his life.

  
He met Brian. They discussed the arrangement for his practice. At first, Brian didn't allow him to do practice first to give him some time to recover. But Yuzuru, being stubborn as usual, wanted to practice soon. They even debated that. And eventually, Brian allowed him. He would practice according to his usual schedule, with the same duration, only with lighter intensity. That day, the practice hadn't started yet, he just spent his time going around and watching people practice, with an excitement bubbling in his mind, that the next day he would start his training just like them.

 

  
\------

 

  
_Ding!_

  
Javier's phone on the nightstand dinged, signing there was a new message. The owner of it was still too lazy to reach for it. The day was his free day, he wanted to spend it sleeping a day long. He didn't get enough sleep lately because of his over-occupied mind. His fights with his girlfriend really burdened him, along with other things he needed to take care. Fighting back his laziness, he got up and reached for his phone. He rubbed his eyes sleepily as he opened that message. It was from Brian.

  
>> Hey, Javi. Just want to tell you that Yuzuru's here, practicing. I thought you might want to see him.

  
His sleepy state immediately vanished. He was fully awake after reading Yuzuru's name. Suddenly his mind bubbled with excitement. He was going to see him after almost two weeks of his absence. His intention to spend his day sleeping vanished without a trace. He couldn't stop smiling as he replied Brian's message.

  
<< Sure, I'll be there. Thanks for telling me.

  
He quickly stood up and jogged to the bathroom, cleaning himself up. He didn't remember when the last time he felt that happy in his life. And it was only Yuzuru who could make him like this. Not until ten minutes he finished everything. Grabbing his jacket and calling for a cab, he then left. His apartment wasn't that far from the club as it was only 15 minutes trip.

  
He half jogged to the rink. He didn't bring his boots so he wouldn't skate. At the rink, he spotted Brian talking with another coach at the rinkside. He brought his gaze around to search for Yuzuru. And there he was, on his training outfit and a jacket, standing at the corner of the rink, holding his water bottle and wiping his face with a tissue. Javier thought he might be on the rest time, so he approached him. A bright smile was drawn on his face.

  
"Yuzu," Javier greeted him from behind.

  
Yuzuru turned around and saw Javier there. "Hey, Javi," he replied briefly, putting a smile as he stared at him.

  
It was different. The smile he wore was different. It was a polite smile, not the warm smile he usually wore when they saw each other. Javier was actually going to give him a big hug, but then, Yuzuru's response made him hold it back. His bright smile instantly dimmed with confusion.

  
_‘Why does he act like this?'_

  
His happiness faded. Nevertheless, he was still offering Yuzuru a smile, even though it didn't reach his eyes.

  
"How are you, Yuzu?" Javier asked.

  
"I'm fine," Yuzuru smiled again. Javier was sure it was different.

  
"Welcome back," Javier raised his hand to rest on the younger's shoulder. Yuzuru flinched slightly as it came into contact with his shoulder. Upon seeing that, Javier pulled his hand back. His heart dropped. He had never once seen Yuzuru flinched everytime he touched him. It was like when someone was touched by a person he wasn't close with or even a stranger.

  
"Thank you. You don't practice today?" Yuzuru asked casually, without looking at him. He glanced at the skaters gliding on ice.

  
"No, it's my free day," Javier tried to remain casual, not letting his hurt showed. Yuzuru didn't even look at him when he was answering.

  
"Oh," that was his response.

  
That was it. Javier knew he was ignoring him. Yuzuru didn't care about anything he said as an answer. Then a realization hit him. Yuzuru must have been done the operation. That was why his smile was different. That was why he treated Javier like someone he had never been close. That was why he was ignoring him. He was no longer someone Yuzuru considered to be close with. He was nobody for Yuzuru. And it was painful.

  
"Ah, so you two have met," there came Brian's voice, making the two turned to him.

  
"Yes," Javier responded. He quickly put on his facade, smiling brightly. "I'm glad he's here now."

  
"You two will train together next. I'll put your schedule at the same time again."

  
"Sure."

  
"Yeah, sure," Yuzuru responded coolly.

  
As Brian was talking to Yuzuru, Javier just looked at them. They were busy, and he thought that interrupting someone's practice was impolite even though it was his coach who told him to come. And also, he couldn't stay longer around Yuzuru, not anymore.

  
"Hey Brian, I think I should go now."

  
"Why so soon, Javi?"

  
"Um, I have something to take care of."

  
"Okay, then. See you next practice."

  
"See you. Bye."

  
"Bye," it was only Brian who responded.

  
That did hurt him. He spared a glance at Yuzuru one last time before he left. As he turned around and walked away, he took off his facade. His face was flat, with an underlying hurt on it.

  
_‘Why?'_

 

  
~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it!
> 
> Btw don't be mad at me x)  
> This story isn't finished yet so there are still many possibilities :p 
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon.
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


	14. Javier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier's flashbacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again :D
> 
> I forgot that I've already finished this chapter, so here's the next chapter.  
> This is all Javier's third pov, just like the chapter title.  
> Hope it's not too cheesy x'D  
> Some parts in this chapter might have been written on previous chapters, but I've shortened it, as they're flashbacks.
> 
> So, happy reading! :)
> 
> Cass

 

"Javi!"

  
Oh, how Javier loved how his name came from Yuzuru's mouth, that cheerful tone every time they met before practice started. It was always Yuzuru who greeted first, and he greeted back with a hug. That time, he had no idea of how the Japanese's presence always managed to keep his cheerful mood during training, never failed to lighten up his days. All he knew was that Yuzuru was an important existence in his life, a constant. He liked touching him, yes. He liked ruffling his hair. He liked wrapping his arm around his shoulder. He liked touching his face. It was the same for Yuzuru. The younger liked touching his face, pointing out dark circles under his eyes with his fingers and a concerning look etched on his face. Those gestures were natural, and only for each other. Sure, Javier had a lot of close friends and he was as handsy as with Yuzuru towards them, but it was different. He just felt it, and he had no idea why.

  
=

  
It was the night after Yuzuru's confession. Javier couldn't bring himself to sleep, it was already 2.30 am. He couldn't stop thinking about that confession. He had never once in his life expected that Yuzuru had feelings for him. Yes, he did feel different about Yuzuru but he thought it was casual. When the younger confessed, he was speechless, not knowing what to say. So he asked, and Yuzuru made it clearer. Before he could even respond, he saw that defeated look on Yuzuru's face. Yet he still let those rejection words out. That time he realized he had hurt him, and he didn't know how to fix it other than saying a sorry. A guilt settled in his heart even after they parted ways. He was uncertain how he would behave around Yuzuru after that.

  
That same night, he was thinking about taking back his words, saying that he didn't mean to say it, that he actually had the same feelings. But he couldn't bring himself to lie, because it would hurt Yuzuru more if he knew the truth, that he didn't actually reciprocate his feelings, that he did all of it out of guilt and pity. And even if he had the same feelings and accepted Yuzuru's confession, he was afraid of people's judgement.

  
Since that night, his mind and his heart always contradicted each other. They kept him distracted a daylong, added the fact that Yuzuru was sick and wasn't able to be there. Until Brian told him to cancel his training that day as he always lost his concentration. He thought it would be gone soon, the guilt. Apparently not, it stayed.

  
Days passed, it was still there. And that day, he took a cowardly move, to change his training schedule. He couldn't help it. He wasn't even sure if Yuzuru still wanted to see him after what he had done. Also, he did it with a hope to at least lessen his guilt. Though, it was difficult for him, to spend his days without the constant presence of Yuzuru.

  
=

  
It was the day Javier asked one girl to be his girlfriend, and she accepted him, even though she knew that he had just broken up with his old girlfriend last month. She was his friend that he had ever had a crush on. She was pretty, cheerful, and liked to cook, kind of his type. He was happy for finally having her as his girlfriend. Yet, he couldn't stop thinking about Yuzuru, he couldn't help but feel like he had betrayed him in some ways. And those voice inside his mind, yelling at him, that he used her as a distraction from Yuzuru, making him feel like a jerk.

  
=

  
It was one afternoon, Javier was in the middle of training when he noticed her, standing outside the rink with a bright smile on her face, which he returned. She had told him before that she would come to watch him practice. As the practice came to an end, he skated aside and discussing his progress with Brian and Tracy. Then, she came, greeting both coaches kindly and circling her arm around his waist, which he returned by wrapping his own around her shoulder. They talked about Javier, of course, so he just listened. Not for long, Brian and Tracy excused themselves, then it was just him and her.

  
He said his pleasure for her coming, and she replied by saying she missed him. They grinned at each other, then both leaned in and kissed. That time, he really hoped Yuzuru wouldn't show up, or if the latter was already there, he hoped Yuzuru wouldn't see them. It would crush him, Javier knew.

  
Little did he know, Yuzuru saw them.

  
=

  
It was that night, when he was going to meet Brian, to talk about his program. It was unplanned so he just came anyway. The sounds of yelling were heard from the rink area, and he was a bit panic. He kept walking there, curious. Through an ajar door, he peeked. Brian was there. David too. Both of them were yelling, making him surprised upon hearing them like that, particularly David, as he knew David's tone was always gentle when he spoke. He didn't know yet who they were yelling at. Then he heard David mentioned something with "Japanese". He began to concern.

  
He hadn't seen and talk to Yuzuru for weeks, but Brian had told him on practices about how Yuzuru was regressing and his worry for the Japanese. Even he had once asked Javier to switch back to his old schedule and train together with Yuzuru again, to at least motivate him a little, but Javier refused it. He couldn't help but feel that it was him who caused it, because of that avoidance.

  
Then came Brian's voice, mentioning Yuzuru's name. Both Brian and David said about attitude and respect. Javier wondered why would they be angry at Yuzuru about those things. His concern grew more.

  
By that time, both coaches left with grumblings. There, he could see Yuzuru, slouched down on the ice, head bowed down, fingers tangled. There were sadness, anger, and desperation radiating from him. His instinct to comfort him kicked, that he quickly ran into the supply room and found some random skating boots as he didn't bring his own. He rapidly put them on and went back to the rink. He skated approaching Yuzuru. He could hear his sniffles and soft sobs. When he heard an almost inaudible "I'm so sorry" from him, he skated forward and kneeled beside him, wrapping his arms around him, offering comfort. His eyes slightly watered as he heard Yuzuru calling his name upon acknowledging his presence. He kept holding him for like an eternity. He missed him so much, yet he finally met him in that situation. Again, that guilt he had tried to set aside returned. That was the first time he saw Yuzuru that down and it was painful for him to see the younger in that state. Deep in his heart he knew, he was one of the main reasons for his breakdown. He hadn't realized how much the power he'd held over Yuzuru until that. Between his soothing words, he apologized for avoiding him.

  
=

  
It was the day of the departure to Japan. Javier got to sit with Yuzuru because Tracy was a slick for taking his seat first and apparently Brian allied with her. Though, he was actually glad about it. Yuzuru was so silent, barely talked, he just spoke if Javier talked to him first. He felt kind of sad, like losing him. He missed the old Yuzuru who used to talk much. When he saw the younger cried silently, his heart ached. Guilt creeping his mind again.

  
The trip was still long and Javier was already bored. He tried to sleep but he couldn't, mentally envying everyone who was able to sleep soundly. He looked at Yuzuru to find him sleeping too. Then he just took his phone out of his jacket pocket. He watched some videos of his girlfriend. He kind of missed her, they hadn't met for about two weeks because of his busy training schedule. In the middle of watching, Yuzuru leaned his head on Javier's shoulder in his sleep. Sighing, Javier returned his phone in his pocket.

  
He looked at sleeping Yuzuru fondly. He had been many times in a close proximity with Yuzuru, but it never felt like that. Yuzuru looked so delicate there, despite his actual strength. He didn't know where the sudden urge to kiss the Japanese came from. He brought his hand to caress Yuzuru's cheek. It was so soft. Then he found himself staring at his lips. He had never noticed how pretty his lips were. His thumb absentmindedly tracing them, the curves and the lines. He was already leaning in when Brian suddenly cleared his throat, bringing him out of his reverie. He then realized what he was doing and quickly pulled his hand and looked away embarrassedly, his mind was buzzing.

  
=

  
It was two days before the competition. She video-called him. She told him that she missed him, and he told her the same. She asked about his preparations, how he felt before facing the competition. He told her he was ready, he had prepared everything well, and he was a bit nervous. Then, she asked him about Yuzuru. That was when he told her literally almost everything about what had happened with Yuzuru recently.

  
He was rambling about Yuzuru's programs, his preparations, his condition, his change of behavior, his own concern for him. Yes, he did give her five answers when she only asked one question. He didn't notice her change of expression. Right after he finished his ramblings, she made an excuse that she had something to take care of. She said goodbye to him and quickly hung up. Despite being curious about her sudden goodbye, he decided not to think about it.

  
=

  
It was the day of the short program. Right after his turn, it was Yuzuru's. Upon watching the Japanese's skate, he was mesmerized. And for the first time since he befriended Yuzuru, he thought Yuzuru was attractive. The white costume he was wearing really emphasized his attractiveness.

  
When he hugged Yuzuru at the green room, that was the first time he felt it was different from the hugs they had shared before.

  
=

 

It was the next day, the free skate. He watched Yuzuru performing and he was worried. He noticed how Yuzuru looked pale and pained during his skate. But, he was thankful nothing happened to him.

  
Then it was the medalist announcement. Yuzuru was on the first place, he was on the second, and Sergei on the third. They stood on the same podium again. He was glad upon seeing the Japanese stood beside him, smiling brightly.

  
That smile.

  
At that time, he knew he could never look at it in the same way.

  
=

  
It was at the lunch with Hanyu family, when Yuzuru took too long time in the restroom. It was already ten minutes and he hadn't returned. His mother and sister wondered why. That time, Javier felt a constant worry inside him.

  
A weird thing happened again. There, when he was at the restroom, he found a few petals clogged the sink. The same petals he had seen before at the rink area restroom days ago. He was curious, and it drove him mad. Then he saw him, looking pale and silent as if he was exhausted after doing something. And his mind started connecting everything that he thought was weird, along with increasing worry.

  
=

  
The day of the rehearsal, when Javier talked to Sergei. The Russian had suspected something going on between him and Yuzuru. He kept saying that it was not true. Yet, the more he denied it, the more he realized it was true.

  
When he saw Yuzuru with Misha, looking so comfortable with each other, with Misha's hand hanging around his shoulder, he felt a stinging in his chest, for the first time. It was prominent, that he had to avert his gaze to lessen it.

  
He saw Yuzuru's weird behavior again. Standing alone at the rinkside, crouching down with hand holding on the barrier. Then skated back behind the group. Javier couldn't help but feel more curious. He skated to that spot. He saw petals, again. He took one and laid it on his palm. It was dim-lighted there so it wasn't too visible, but he didn't miss that the petal had a darker color, and wet.

  
When he saw red stains on his palm and fingers, and he saw Yuzuru running. He followed him to the restroom. Then he found him, in the middle of him throwing up... flower petals. And blood.

  
Worry, guilt, and fear blending in and peaked all at once. He was afraid that time, really afraid of losing him. The younger looked so pained and it pained him to see Yuzuru like that. He knew those petals were for him.

  
=

  
It was at the gala. Around the fifteen minutes break before the second session started. He was with Yuzuru, doing small talks. He felt a sense of losing already when he looked at him, that he couldn't hold his tear. He was starting to realize his true feelings when he was already on the verge of losing him. They hugged, he absorbed the feeling at the moment, sticking it to his mind. Then, Yuzuru kissed his cheek, lingering for a moment. That time, he wanted to return it, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. All he could do was caressing his cheek, as the feel of his lips still lingered there.

  
Later, he saw Yuzuru kneeling down with bloodied hand. He held him, saying some strengthening words. His fear was happening, he was going to lose Yuzuru. Until the latter fell unconscious in his arms, and the medical crews brought him for further help.

  
His heart, his mind, all went numb.

  
=

  
It was at the hospital. His flight was in three hours. Before leaving Japan, he visited Yuzuru. Everyone in that room immediately exited as he entered, leaving him alone with Yuzuru. The latter hadn't woken up yet. He sat on the edge of the bed, heart clenching upon seeing his state.

  
"Hey, Yuzu."

  
Pause.

  
"I'm returning to Canada today."

  
Pause.

  
"I'm sorry, for everything I've done to you, for putting you through this terrible condition."

  
Pause. He wiped his sleeves to his eyes, taking a deep breath before continuing.

  
"I know you won't hear anything I say now. But you have to wake up, soon, okay?"

  
Pause. He did it many times, as he tried to contain his feelings.

  
"Sorry if I'm not here when you wake up. But I'll wait for you there. I'll always wait for you."

  
Caressing the younger's hair, he leaned in and kissed his forehead. He held it there for a few moments.

  
"I think I might have feelings for you too."

  
There. He said it. He didn't deny it anymore. He had accepted the fact that he did have feelings for Yuzuru.

  
He caressed his cheek softly, absorbing the softness of it, before finally standing up as he had to say goodbye. It was hard. He wanted so badly to stay, keeping him company, being there when he woke up. But, things hadn't allowed him to.

  
"Get well soon, Yuzu."

  
Looking at him once more, then he left.

  
=

  
It was the day he met Yuzuru for the first time after the hospital visit. He was happy, really happy for finally getting to meet him. But, it was all deflated upon seeing Yuzuru's response. The Japanese acted as if they had never been close. Then he realized about the surgery. Yuzuru must've done it. That was keeping him thinking so much all day, feeling the numbness in his heart.

 

  
\------

 

  
The clock showed 1.30 am. Javier laid on his bed, still wide awake. He couldn't sleep. Those flashbacks kept replaying in his thoughts. Yuzuru was occupying his mind, not letting a single minute passed without thoughts about him.

 

Yuzuru had done the operation. It meant that he had been healed. He was healthy, no trace of the disease left. He was no longer suffering. And Javier should be happy about it, after all, he had asked him to do it. Yet, instead of being happy, he was heartbroken.

  
He was no longer someone important to him. He was nobody to him. All feelings and memories of him in Yuzuru were finally gone. Yuzuru wasn't the same person anymore. No more warm smiles and cheeky grins, it was all polite smiles and gestures. And Javier couldn't help but feel regret, for ever asking him to do the operation. Yes, he knew it was evil for thinking about it. But again, he couldn't help it. Because, being close to someone you had feelings for, and that someone had already forgotten you, was such a torture.

 

~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! :D  
> Btw I'm (not) sorry for the twist :p  
> I love making twists xD
> 
>  
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon.
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


	15. The Training and Breakup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The training sessions and Javier's breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again :D
> 
>  
> 
> This is the next chapter.  
> This chapter is still mostly from Javier's third pov, because he hasn't got enough spotlight on the first chapters x'D
> 
> I don't know what to write for notes here lol  
> So, hope it's not too cheesy x)
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Cass

 

Another uneventful day. At least that was what Javier felt. There was nothing particular happened, just him doing usual training. It was the second time of training session he did with Yuzuru. Everything ran smoothly as usual. The Final was only due to two weeks and a half, and he worked hard for it.

  
Things between him and Yuzuru had indeed changed. A lot. Yuzuru wasn't that different at the practice, still the focused one, the most determined one. But, when it came to the interaction between them, he was very different. He never talked to Javier unless Javier talked first. He never spared a glance at Javier. And basically, he didn't care about Javier.

  
It was hard, at first. Like, Javier had to start from the beginning with him, only with a different situation. With Yuzuru still remembered but didn't care about him, it was worse. He had to adapt again. But the feeling of the first training actually wasn't as bad as their first meeting days ago. He quickly got used to it. Sure Yuzuru still behaved coolly and a bit hard to approach, and he thought that he wouldn't be able to stand it. Yes, he had planned to avoid Yuzuru, just like last time when he hurt the younger's feeling. He knew it was pointless, and it would only make himself suffer. So he thought that it was far better to have him acting like that than losing him, and he chose to enjoy what was remained, instead of avoiding.

  
"Argh."

  
He heard Yuzuru's grumbling in Japanese and turned around to find the younger had sprawled on the ice. He approached him and offered his hand to him. A gentle smile settled on his face as he saw Yuzuru's flat expression. Yuzuru seemed to contemplate whether to accept it or not. Then his smile got wider as Yuzuru eventually grabbed his hand, and he quickly pulled the Japanese into standing position. The younger mumbled a soft thank you and skated farther from him, to another side of the rink. Javier just shook his head, smiling. Yeah, it was better to enjoy.

  
As the practice was coming to an end, Brian instructed both Javier and Yuzuru to skate aside. Yuzuru looked a bit unmood, Javier noticed.

  
"Good job for today, both of you. For you, Javi, just a very little more polishing to smooth everything up. Keep focus, okay?" Brian patted Javier's shoulder, encouragingly.

  
"Sure, Brian. Next time."

  
"And for you, Yuzu, don't put on that face. It's really fine to skate with lesser intensity like that, you're still recovering."

  
"It doesn't feel like skating," Yuzuru responded glumly. Brian didn't allow him doing jumps and required him to decrease his speed.

  
"Yes, but your recovery is the most important thing now. Just wait until you're fit enough to do harder. There are still three weeks to go, it's enough time to get fit."

  
"Yes."

  
"Lighten up, Yuzu."

  
Javier ruffled the younger's hair, but the latter quickly dodged his head upon feeling the touch of the Spaniard's hand. A hurt expression flashed across Javier's face, but he immediately hid it and smiled instead. He put a hand on Yuzuru's shoulder, still offering him a comforting gesture despite the "rejection" earlier. Yuzuru didn't react, and it kind of made him glad.

  
"Yes, lighten up. Just focus and trust your training, okay?" Brian patted Yuzuru's head.

  
"Yes, Brian."

  
That was their second training. Not that bad for Javier. He understood that he just needed to get used to it, so that he wouldn't feel hurt too much.

 

  
\------

 

  
It was the fourth training session. Still the same, though. Jumps, spins, steps, Brian, and Yuzuru. Javier found himself glancing at the latter many times that day. Something about Yuzuru looked different that day. Maybe it was the fact that he wore his smiles more often than before. He seemed in a good mood, and Javier was glad about it. It was almost like the old Yuzuru had returned.

  
Javier felt a pang in his chest thinking about it. Yuzuru had never changed. It was only his feelings and his memories about Javier that changed. And it felt like Yuzuru was a whole different person to him. The way the Japanese treated him, the way he reacted when Javier ruffled his hair.

  
He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. He thought too much lately. As he broke out of his reverie he heard the familiar music. He saw Yuzuru doing some hands movements with eyes closed, mouth opened slightly. It was innocent, at the same time it was tempting. Javier couldn't help but smile fondly at him. He loved it when Yuzuru did that. Yuzuru was practicing the short program he did in the last competition. The sound of harp and flute flowed smoothly along with the Japanese's movements. He wasn't even in his costume, yet he still managed to catch everyone's eyes there.

  
As the music came to an end, Yuzuru did sit spin and slowly ascended into a standing spin, slowing down as the music faded out, and a hand raised high in the air as the music stopped. Brian and Tracy clapped, and so did everyone. He skated aside towards both coaches. His breathing still a bit labored, with a grin plastered on his face. He did look different, those smiles and grins did it. Brian and Tracy were complimenting and giving him advice, while Javier, who was standing beside Tracy, just looked at him affectionately, yet his heart ached. Yuzuru had never once looked at him that day. He was ignoring him. At that close distance, Javier knew it was impossible to Yuzuru for not acknowledging his presence. But still, the latter didn't seem care.

  
_‘So this is how the unrequited feeling feels like. So this is what you've always felt back then',_ Javier thought sullenly.

  
They were finished with their talk. Yuzuru moved to stand beside Javier, hands fiddling with a tissue. He glanced around the ice, observing other skaters there. He turned his head to find Javier lost in his thoughts, looking glum. He elbowed the Spaniard.

  
"You okay?"

  
Javier once again broke out of his reverie. He indeed had too much on his mind, that he was easily lost in thoughts.

  
_‘So now he's talking to me.'_

  
"Ah, yes. I'm okay."

  
"You look tired. And you haven't practice yet."

  
_‘You look tired'_. Yuzuru used to say that to him in practices, many times, while rubbing his undereye. _Damn_. He missed that time.

  
"It's nothing. Just a small stuff. Nothing to worry," Javier smiled slightly, assuring.

  
"I'm not worrying, I'm just asking," the Japanese rolled his eyes and turned away.

  
_‘Oh. That hurts'_. Yeah, but the way he rolled his eyes made Javier chuckled. Even after everything, Yuzuru was still dorky as usual.

  
"Yeah, I know. You did great, by the way, even with no jumps," Javier really hoped it would be a start between him and Yuzuru. They had never really interacted properly since that meeting.

  
"Skating without jumps doesn't feel like skating."

  
"Yes, it's like there aren't any climaxes, isn't it?"

  
Yuzuru nodded."Yes, flat."

  
"Perhaps next week he will allow you to jump. Your condition must be getting better, right?"

  
"Yes, better, the younger said softly.

  
Javier looped his arms around Yuzuru's shoulder, pulling the Japanese slightly closer to him. Once again he was glad Yuzuru wasn't resisting him. He noticed a small smile plastered on his lips. He bowed his head slightly as if he was shy. Both pain and happiness filled Javier's heart. Oh, how he missed hugging him like that. No, it wasn't a hug, though. But still, it was the moment he wanted to have every day, just like before. If only they were still there, his feelings, his memories...

  
_‘I miss you, you know. Can you hear me?'_

  
"What's with that soft tone? It will get better, Yuzu, I'm sure about that."

  
"Yes. It will."

  
"Alright, cheer up," Javier chuckled, pulling him closer again in a humorous manner, making Yuzuru giggled.

  
It was like a deja vu for Javier, felt like having the old Yuzuru back. Those melodic giggles, the eye-disappearing smiles, and grins, just like good old days.

  
And somehow, the new Yuzuru suddenly returned. He slowly untangled himself from Javier's grip. The warmth of Yuzuru's body was soon replaced by the cold emptiness. The Japanese turned his head to him.

  
"Thank you, Javi," he still smiled. Different smile.

  
But it was enough for Javier.

 

  
\------

 

  
Javier asked to meet her that day, and she agreed. He came to her apartment straight after she replied his message. There they were, at the living room, she was sitting across him, waiting for him to start the talk.

  
"I want to tell you something. But please, don't cut me when I talk."

  
"Okay."

  
"I want to be honest with you."

  
She nodded.

  
"For whatever you've said about me and Yuzu, it's true," he paused, looking away for a second, then looked back at her. "I have feelings for him. But I've never had affair with him."

  
She just stared at him flatly.

  
"I'm sorry for whatever I've said and I've done to you. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I lied."

  
"Finally you admit it," she said softly.

  
"Yes. I can't lie forever."

  
"How long?" she asked. Her expression didn't change.

  
"Don't know. I guess I've always had feelings for him, I just haven't realized it."

  
"Does he have feelings for you too?"

  
"Yes, he did."

  
"He did? As in past tense?"

  
Javier nodded. "It's a long story."

  
"He doesn't have any feelings anymore then?"

  
"No," Javier replied almost inaudibly. He looked away.

  
Silence.

  
"You really love, him, don't you?" her voice wavered. He glanced back at her to find her eyes glistening with tears.

  
"I'm sorry. I'm a jerk."

  
"You are," she sniffled.

  
"And I was a jerk too to him."

  
Silence. Again. Though, he knew it was her sign for him to continue.

  
"He had confessed to me, that he had feelings for me, and I rejected him."

  
"That didn't make you a jerk."

  
"The point is, I've hurt him in so many ways and I don't even know," he didn't tell her everything. And of course not the hanahaki. It was Yuzuru's privacy and people didn't need to know.

  
"I want to make it up to him. I want you to break things up with me."

  
"I'm hurt too, Javi. Why?"

  
"Do you really need a reason to love someone?"

  
"Why do you choose him if he doesn't have any feelings for you anymore?"

  
"I want to make up to him. He's been in pain for a long time, and it's time for me to pay after everything I've done. I want to be on his side while he's recovering."

  
They were silent again.

  
"It's not fair, I don't want a breakup," she sobbed softly.

  
"If we continue this relationship, you'll always be hurt. What would you feel, when I'm with you, yet I always think about him?" saying those words made him feel like an asshole.

  
"Don't you love me?"

  
"I did. And I don't wanna hurt you like this anymore in the future. I've hurt you enough."

  
"I still want to be with you."

  
"If I'm a bad person, I'll still be with you too, I'll keep playing with your feelings even though my feelings belong to someone else. But I don't want to be that person."

  
Silence again. Only the sound of her sob and their breaths filled the air. Javier looked at her expectantly. She was still crying, hands covering her face. He knew he had caused her pain, but he knew better not to continue their relationship and end it as soon as possible.

  
"I'm sorry again for hurting you," Javier said softly.

  
She lifted her face, removed both her hands from it. She stared at him sadly.

  
"I'm sorry too, for being a bitch. And I know I can't hold you anymore now. So, okay, let's break up."

 

  
~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it! :D
> 
>  
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon!
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


	16. Silent Treatment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silent treatment of Yuzuru

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. It's me again :)
> 
> Yesterday I've uploaded this chapter, but then I decided to delete it for some reason.  
> Anyway, thanks to Seeress for grammar correction, I've fixed it now :D
> 
> I just want to remind, this story is pure, pure fiction and just a form of my imagination, as there are a few nonexistent events here. And about the character traits, I've planned them since the beginning, and I think it's alright as this is just a fiction. So, I apologize if the way I deliver these characters doesn't fit as how their character should be in real life, or is too much.  
> I write this fic for fun and I just want to share it.
> 
>  
> 
> Soo, anyway, this is still from Javier's third pov.  
> I've fixed some parts here ":D  
> Oh, and an OOC Yuzuru too x')
> 
> Hope you like it :)
> 
> Happy reading! 
> 
> Cass

 

Javier had just arrived at the rink. He marched straight to the locker room. Practice started in thirty minutes, so he still had time to prepare. He wondered if Yuzuru had come first.

  
It was going to be the eighth practice session, around two more weeks before the Final. He had finished with his programs, while Yuzuru was still working with his jumps. Brian had allowed him to do jumps, but apparently, Yuzuru still got some difficulties on doing it, whether it was a pain in he felt his chest like what he said to Brian or the slipping. Javier had been assisting him since the previous two practices, for his support, as Brian said. Brian asked him to, he thought Javier's presence would be able to trigger his spirit after having those difficulties.

  
At first, it was usual. Yuzuru was still being a cool guy around him. They didn't interact much, only when Javier gave him advice and asking how he was feeling after he jumped. Other than that, it was just stares and small gestures.

  
Javier didn't mind at all for helping Yuzuru with it. He was glad instead. He knew Yuzuru needed it, even though the latter sometimes acted like he didn't, and ignored most of whatever Javier said. Nevertheless, Javier did it sincerely, for the sake of Yuzuru. He stayed there being a supportive and affectionate friend for him, being there when he needed him. Because he knew, it was the last thing he could do as a form of returning Yuzuru's feelings. Even though the feelings of the person he was returning had gone already, even though Yuzuru didn't care about him, and even though it was a torture for him. Yep, he would be a hypocrite for not admitting that it was indeed a torture. Only, he chose not to think much about it.

  
Around the previous two practices, he felt sort of a change in Yuzuru's attitude. Yuzuru became somewhat cold and colder, unlike that day when he smiled often, the warmest Yuzuru he had ever seen since the meeting. He thought he had done anything wrong but no, that wasn't it. He behaved normally around him. Yeah, maybe a little more ‘friendlier' than usual. And he was wondering if the way he treated him made the latter offended, so that would make sense why Yuzuru treated him coldly. But still, he was thankful that Yuzuru still responded even only a little to him.

  
That day, he was still wondering if Yuzuru would give him a cold shoulder again. Should he apologize? But he felt he did nothing wrong. That was the way he used to treat Yuzuru before.

  
Before.

  
Right. But that didn't explain the way Yuzuru responded before the last two practices, when he treated him like that, those pleasant smiles, grins, giggles. Okay, maybe that was because he was in a good mood that day. What he didn't understand was the clear difference of Yuzuru's attitude at the next practice. He behaved like whatever had happened right before it had never existed. And it was kind of boggling Javier's mind since.

  
Javier was in the middle of lacing his boots when Yuzuru barged in. He looked stiff, and not bothering to look around. He went straight to the locker, taking out his boots from his bag, then put it in his locker. Sitting down on the bench, he began stripping down his clothes to reveal his training outfit and then putting on his boots. Javier noticed his sour face.

  
_‘What's with that face?'_

  
He was contemplating whether to greet him or not. He usually greeted him and the latter responded with an ‘hmm' or by nodding his head. And with that face, he wasn't sure if Yuzuru would still respond if he did. But, perks of being a friendly person, he did it anyway, though with anticipation behind it.

  
"Hey, Yuzu."

  
As Javier had expected, he received a silence in return. Yuzuru didn't respond, still busy lacing his boots. And Javier knew it was impossible for him not hearing his voice, as he didn't wear any earphones and he wasn't in the middle of daydreaming. One that made Javier confused was that Yuzuru's gaze seemed to harden upon hearing his voice, as if he was irritated.

  
"You okay?" Javier asked, concerned. Even with his coldness at last practice, he still managed to respond, and this time, he didn't, meaning there was something off.

  
Again, only silence. Javier shifted closer to him. His eyes never left Yuzuru's face.

  
"Is there something wrong?" Javier asked again, this time with a softer tone, almost like a whisper.

  
And again, no response. Yuzuru never once turned his gaze towards Javier, he kept looking down at his boots. Javier tentatively touched his shoulder. And he flinched, enough for Javier to pull back his hand.

  
"Sorry," he said softly.

  
Grunting under his breath, Yuzuru rose abruptly and walked to his locker, putting his outer clothes in. Without sparing a glance at Javier, he left to the ice, leaving Javier confused with his weird behavior.

  
Javier sighed. He really didn't understand what was in Yuzuru's mind, what's with that silent treatment, what's with his hard expression. He was even wondering if Yuzuru was irritated upon his presence. Sighing once more, he strode a bit unwillingly towards the rink.

  
Brian was already there. As he instructed his two disciples to warm up, Javier quickly positioned himself behind Yuzuru. He glanced solemnly at him. Never once crossed in his thoughts that Yuzuru was capable of being a cold person. Then why did he suddenly become that cold? Like, there was no warmth remained in him. Even his eyes lost their softness.

  
 _‘Am I that irritating?'_ Javier couldn't help but think about it. Though, it wasn't himself for ever thinking like that.

 

  
\------

 

  
It was the third attempt in lutz Yuzuru was going to do. He had succeeded in executing all jumps except that. At the first attempt, he landed with both his feet touched the ice at the same time as he lost his balance. At the second, he fell on his butt ungraciously. His face held an annoyed expression, with both of underlying desperation and determination. He glided on circle slowly, eyes as cold as ice glancing around. Javier was standing close enough to him, as the Spaniard gave some encouragement. Though, Javier was sure Yuzuru ignored most of it. He had set aside the turmoil inside him and concentrated on practice. That day, he actually planned to rehearse his programs for better preparation just like Brian had instructed him, but seeing Yuzuru still struggled with his jumps made him changed his mind and kept assisting instead. If he was ready, then Yuzuru had to be ready too, that was what he thought.

  
Yuzuru was gliding with fast speed, readying himself to jump. At some points, Javier noticed that the younger man seemed to be a little distracted. He was right, when Yuzuru jumped and was going to land, he slipped and fell again. Without wasting his time Javier skated towards him, extending his hand to him. He put on a small smile on his face. Yuzuru finally looked at him for the first time that day, at least that was what he saw himself. It lasted only a few seconds then looked away. Yuzuru ignored his offering hand and quickly rose on his own.

  
"I can do it myself," he said softly, and coldly. He skated away from Javier, attempting to jump again.

  
Javier just chuckled bitterly. No matter what he had done to Yuzuru, and how sincere it was, the latter wouldn't care.

  
 _‘What do you expect? That he suddenly warms to you?'_ even his own mind was mocking him.

  
His mood a bit dropped. He decided not to interfere Yuzuru again and focus on his own training.

 

  
\------

 

  
The practice had finished ten minutes ago. Javier had finished packing his things, ready to go home and rest. He was currently sitting on bench, wearing his sneakers, when Yuzuru entered. He had just finished his shower and already fully clothed. Again, not bothering to glance at Javier, he walked past him and opened his locker to take his bag. Javier wanted to ask him again about his attitude, so he waited until Yuzuru finished all his packing.

  
"Yuzu," Javier said softly, once Yuzuru was done. They were standing at the center of the room, Yuzuru was facing the locker and Javier behind him. Of course he didn't answer.

  
"Is there something wrong?" Javier asked.

  
Yuzuru was silent and seemed to stop whatever he was doing. Javier touched his shoulder again, and he still flinched, but Javier let his hand linger there. Yuzuru stiffened and sighed irritably.

  
"Did I do something wrong?" Javier asked again.

  
Silence again. Yuzuru suddenly walked away. Before he could grab his bag and get out of there, Javier grabbed his arm. Yuzuru tried to escape but didn't succeed as Javier didn't let him.

  
"Let me go," Yuzuru said coldly.

  
"Is it because of me?" Javier's tone was soft. A deep frown plastered on his face.

  
"I don't know what you're talking about, let me go."

  
He still struggled to escape even though the grip on his hand wasn't that tight. Javier's gaze softened even more upon seeing him like that.

  
"Did I do something wrong?" Javier asked again.

  
"Let me go," the other said with a low voice. He stopped struggling.

  
"Yuzu, please answer me," Javier still didn't let go of his arm. His chest tightened seeing that response. It hurt to see there was no tenderness in Yuzuru's eyes.

  
Then suddenly Yuzuru removed his hand harshly. He faced him, eyes hard as steel. Javier bore himself to look at them, holding his gaze. He could look at them perfectly as it was so close in front of him and stared right at his own. They were hard and icy, but there was some sort of vulnerability inside. Javier didn't know for sure, though.

  
"I don't know what you're talking about. And even if I know, that's none of your business."

  
It startled him, having Yuzuru talked to him that way. He looked away, minds clouded with confusion. That harsh tone.

  
"And I don't need your help," Yuzuru said again.

  
"Yuzu," he looked back at Yuzuru only to find the latter looking away. He was going to touch his shoulder again. But he restrained himself. They were silent for a moment.

  
"Leave me alone," Yuzuru said softly, and he quickly walked away, taking his bag and leaving Javier alone.

  
Javier glanced at him until he disappeared behind the door.

  
_‘Leave me alone'._

  
That was it. That was enough. Javier had absolutely no idea what he did that was wrong and made Yuzuru acted like that. Yuzuru looked really pissed at him, and clearly not wanting anything to do with him, anymore.

  
It did hurt.

  
Javier sighed for the umpteenth time. Taking his bag and slinging it on his shoulder, he then left the room, with his mind buzzing as hell.

 

  
~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, that's it :D
> 
>  
> 
> The next chapter will be up right after this, because I've planned it xD
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


	17. The Message

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The answer behind the change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again :D
> 
> As I said, I'll upload this right after the last one.
> 
> And again, this chapter is still from Javier's third pov.  
> A little bit OOC Javier.
> 
> Hope you like it :D
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Cass

 

It was three days after the last time Javier talked with Yuzuru. They hadn't talked to each other since. Even in training a day before, they barely made eye contact. Like, both of them were avoiding each other. Javier was, and what he knew was that Yuzuru was doing the same thing. It was hard for him, maybe the hardest time he had ever experienced in his love life. He never thought it would be that complicated. He had made Yuzuru suffer a lot and he felt really guilty of it, and he intended to fix everything. But suddenly the new Yuzuru came and changed everything. Then it was fine again, as Javier started to get used to the new Yuzuru. But then Yuzuru suddenly behaved differently and later he had Yuzuru telling him to leave him alone. That left him feeling numb lately.

  
He was laying on bed, eyes closed, trying so hard to sleep. He had sleeping problem for the last two weeks. He had too many things occupying his mind. Though, he was thankful it didn't cause any trouble in his practice. But still, it was tiring. He tossed and turned over and over again, and failed. He missed the time when he could easily fall asleep.

  
Hours had been spent in attempt to sleep, and he eventually stopped trying, eyes still wide awake. Sighing, he reached for his phone on the nightstand, carefully not to drop anything else in the middle of it. He groaned as he saw the clock on his phone screen. 2.20 am, it had been two hours straight then, just for tossing and turning.

  
_‘Okay, let's see how long you can stay awake'._

  
He lazily browsed his phone, opening every app and feature. Opening it, scrolling down, feeling bored, closing it, opening another app. Over and over again. He was really bored, yet his boredom still couldn't make him sleep. Gallery, messengers, contacts, logs, social media, browsers, notes, calendar, and many more he had opened. Then he opened the message. It was the feature he rarely opened because he never used it as he always used messengers. He scrolled down quickly, unwillingly scanned its content. ‘Nothing's interesting'. He scrolled back to the top. He was going to close it when his eyes caught Yuzuru's contact name there.

  
_‘Why didn't I see this before?'_

  
He didn't expect it at all. Yuzuru rarely messaged him. Even he rarely used any messengers. He always called him if he wanted to talk. There was the message below the contact name.

  
_> > I'm sorry._

  
Javier quickly opened it to reveal all messages Yuzuru had sent him. His feeling worsened as he saw a message before it, sent from his own number.

  
_< < Stay away from me._

  
He tried to recall if he had ever received that message himself but failing. He couldn't remember. Also, he didn't and certainly would never reply to Yuzuru's message like that.

_‘Then who had done it?'_

  
Apparently, there were five more messages from Yuzuru above before those last two.

  
_> > Hi, Javi. How are you? By the way, thank you for visiting me here, Brian told me. I've just woken up today. I'm feeling better now. And thank you again for your help yesterday. :)_

  
It was sent on the day he arrived in Canada, a day after he visited him. His heart began to ache as he read the next messages.

  
_> > Javi?_

  
He called him. Must be because there was no reply. It was sent the next day.

  
_> > Hi, Javi. Do I get your number right? Are you busy? Why you don't reply my message? :(_

  
It was sent the day after. Yuzuru sent those messages each day since the first one. His heart really ached now.

  
 _‘If only I saw this before, I would've reply it already, Yuzu,'_ he thought sadly.

  
Then the next message.

  
_> > Hi again, Javi. I just want to say ganbatte! for you today. I know you are busy and I hope everything is well. :)_

  
It was sent on the fourth day.

  
_> > Hi, Javi. Have a great day! :)_

  
It was the fifth day.

  
Javier noticed, all of them was sent at noon, around 12 pm, meant that Yuzuru sent them at midnight since he was in Japan and had thirteen hours time difference. Meant that Yuzuru always sent them before he sleep with a hope for replies when he woke up, but none came. And most of it, Yuzuru sent them when he still remembered him, when he still had his feelings and memories.

  
_‘Fuck'._

  
Then, the damned reply.

  
_< < Stay away from me._

  
It was sent only a few minutes after Yuzuru's last message was received. Meaning whoever did that happened to hold his phone without him knowing. Then it clicked in his head.

  
Her.

  
Of course, it was her. They had met almost every day at that time, and he cursed himself for his habit of putting his phone anywhere around her. She must've taken it when he wasn't around. That was why she couldn't stop confronting him about Yuzuru, even though he actually felt those messages were casual. She had read them. _‘And why did she have to reply?!'_

  
Then the last message.

  
_> > I'm sorry._

  
Just that. It came not long after her reply. Realization dawned on him. That must be what had made Yuzuru changed his mind and eventually got the operation.

  
_‘Fuck. Oh my god.'_

  
He had hurt him, again. It wasn't him but he took the blame for what his ex-girlfriend had done, after all, it happened thanks to his carelessness.

  
He wanted so much to apologize to Yuzuru. He knew those words had hurt him so much. He wanted to clarify, to take back that words even though it wasn't him who'd done it, he wanted to explain. Yet, he perfectly knew he couldn't. Not anymore. Not with Yuzuru's lack of feelings and memories of him.

  
He spent the rest of his night fighting his guilt and trying to get some sleep. And he couldn't.

  
It was already late for everything.

  
Damn that painful feeling.

 

  
\------

 

  
The Final was done a month ago. The result for both Yuzuru and Javier hadn't changed, they had defended their place on first and second. Everything was fine. Despite the cold treatment of Yuzuru, they still managed to warm up to each other in front of cameras as usual, hugs, smiles. Once out of it, the coldness and silence returned. And it was painful for Javier.

  
Ever since the end of the Final, they hadn't talked. The last time they did was when they congratulated each other, in the green room and on podium. Javier spent his time there wishing that it wasn't just a facade. He knew they had to do that, because once their actual situation was caught on cameras, it would be complicated, with unwanted news and they had to clarify everywhere. He felt genuinely happy that Yuzuru talked to him again, even only a very little, after weeks of no talking at all. It wasn't just a facade for him. Maybe that was his happiest moment he'd ever felt in a month. Yet, there was an underlying pain behind it.

  
Then, every happiness would eventually come to an end. As the Final ended, Yuzuru was back at treating him coldly at practices. They didn't talk to each other at all for weeks, though, he noticed sometimes Yuzuru stole glances at him when he wasn't looking, more like glaring, actually. And he did the same, glancing when Yuzuru wasn't looking.

  
The feeling was different after knowing the reason of that bitter treatment. He had accepted the fact that it was because of his own fault. Yuzuru had every right to treat him that way, and he deserved that. Still, it was a torture. Weeks he had spent to ignore his pain so that he could feel nothing, to bury his already blossomed feelings deep and deeper, to look for distractions so that he could divert his mind from him for a moment.

  
Yet, the more he ignored, the pain increasingly grew. No matter how deep he buried his feelings, the pit would be fraught, leaving lesser and lesser space. No matter how hard he tried to distract his mind, it wouldn't budge. Everything had reached its limit, and after all, he was only a human. Eventually, he couldn't hold them anymore.

  
It was that day. He still did practice as usual. Nobody knew what was happening inside him, as he covered it with neutral face. Yuzuru was there and too absorbed in his training to care about things other than his skating. It took quite an effort for Javier not to let his hurt showed when he was around him. Brian seemed to notice, from the corner of his eyes Javier saw him looking at him more often. Fortunately, he did not bring it up once the practice ended.

  
At the locker room, both had finished their packing. Javier walked closer to Yuzuru who was still taking his things out from his locker. He didn't bother to hide it from him anymore.

  
"Yuzu," he called softly.

  
The younger man turned his head at him unwillingly. A bored expression was drawn on his face. Then Javier noticed he was a little surprised upon seeing his face, maybe because of how messy it was, he thought. Yuzuru didn't say anything, only looked at him.

  
"Can I talk to you?" Javier asked, still with a soft voice.

  
Yuzuru nodded slightly, confused.

  
"I don't know if you still remember or not. I just wanna say I'm sorry," he paused for a moment. "For everything."

  
 _For everything_ , because of how much it was.

  
Javier looked at him, absorbing everything, putting it all in his mind for the last time. He had really lost Yuzuru when he was already in love with him. The hope that once was there slowly faded and finally disappeared. It was the peak of everything that had mounted in his mind, in his heart. He was going to let go of it, let go of him, and he was ready.

  
"I understand it's too late for me to fix everything, and at least, I've tried to," he paused again. "I hope you'll always be happy, Yuzu."

  
He smiled at him for a few seconds. Yuzuru looked confused, and Javier mentally chuckled. _‘He doesn't understand, of course. He has forgotten everything'._

  
With a last glance, Javier turned around. A tear fell from his eye as he walked away. That was it.

 

  
~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, that's it! :D
> 
> Hope the next chapter won't take too long to continue :D
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	18. The Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth and reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's me again :D
> 
> This is the new chapter.  
> So far, this is the longest one.  
> Oh, and this is basically an angst/fluff.
> 
> Hope it doesn't feel too cheesy :''D  
> And I think this chapter is still a bit messy, so forgive me '':)
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Cass

 

Another training day. It was a normal day for Brian. Watching the skaters training while waiting for his two pupils to come. Everything was fine. Only, he knew there was something off at their last training two days ago. That wasn't the first time he felt some kind of tension between them. It had happened since two weeks before the Final, he observed. He was concerned, that situation could be exhausting their mental without them knowing. Nevertheless, he was thankful both of them still managed to defend their podium.

  
Yuzuru came first. As usual, he greeted Brian, then proceeded to the ice to warm up. Both of them usually came around thirteen minutes before the practice actually started, yet it was already five minutes before and there was only Yuzuru. Brian wondered why Javier hadn't shown up yet. He had watched the Spaniard at the last practice and he was concerned about him. It was unusual for Javier to have deep frown plastered on his face during training. He knew the latter tried to cover it with a neutral expression, but perks of having three years coaching him made Brian knew him very well. Something was troubling him.

  
The coach saw his pupil who was currently occupying his mind striding towards him. There, that frown again, he noted. Javier looked tired, yet it was only 9 in the morning. He had dark circles under his eyes, indicating the lack of sleep. As Javier got closer, Brian could see he was in a terrible state, added his messy hair.

  
"Hey, Brian. Sorry I'm late," Javier said a bit sheepishly.

  
"Have you gotten enough sleep last night?" Brian asked.

  
"Um.. not really. I couldn't sleep."

  
"That explains, then. Go inside my room, take some snacks. I know you haven't eaten anything yet."

  
Javier just nodded flatly and proceeded to his coach's room. It was kind of a usual thing. Brian always prepared snacks in his room just in case his pupils hadn't eaten anything before training. Taking two granola bars, he returned to the rink while eating one.

  
Brian's eyes caught the sight of Yuzuru glancing at Javier's retreating figure longingly. But the sudden change in his gaze made him surprised. That glare, Brian had been observing it, even since Yuzuru's comeback, the glare had settled in the Japanese man's eyes more often, and it was always directed towards Javier.

  
"I'm taking these," Javier remarked as he stood next to Brian.

  
"Take as many as you need."

  
"I think these are enough. Thanks."

  
"After this, do warm up."

  
"Yes."

  
Brian noticed his empty gaze. Javier looked somewhat sad, a lot more than the frown he usually wore. Whatever had happened to him recently must've been a great deal for him as it took a toll on his body.

  
Javier and Yuzuru did the warm-up, side by side, just like Brian had instructed. Usually, Yuzuru was at the front and Javier behind him. Brian was watching them and continuing his observation, with a growing concern.

  
It did feel weird for Brian, having his two pupils not interacting at all in practices. They were once inseparable, always sticking to each other, providing support and comfort for each other. Yet this time they were acting like total strangers.

  
Unlike Yuzuru who he had found many times looking at Javier's direction, the Spaniard seemed to ignore the Japanese man's presence. He often cast his eyes down, like avoiding any eye contact with everyone, Yuzuru in particular. Both of them looked miserable, in different ways. Yuzuru looked pissed, and Javier had a kind of defeated look on his face. It did affect his gesture and movements, almost like he was unwilling to do everything. While Yuzuru was better in coping with it, it didn't affect him as much as Javier.  
The practice ran as usual, smoothly, with just a few minor problems. Javier also managed to concentrate on his training despite whatever his problem was. Yuzuru was fierce as usual. Deep down in his thoughts, Brian was actually curious about what was going on with them. If he couldn't restrain himself maybe he would've asked them. But he wasn't that person to interfere someone's private life. He wasn't going to confront them about it that day, but he made a mental note. If on the next practice they kept behaving like that, he would certainly do it, for the sake of their progress and mental condition.

 

  
\------

 

  
It was 12 am, still raining outside. The sound of raindrops was really calming, lulling Javier to sleep. He was laying on the couch while petting Effie, ignoring the blaring sound and light of the TV. The cat closed her eyes and purred comfortably. She was one of his biggest help when he wasn't in a good mood. Just by rubbing her and listening to her purr made his heart and mind felt lighter.

  
It was a quite exhausting day for Javier. Training at 9 in the morning, not to mention his effort to completely ignore Yuzuru which was tiring his mental unknowingly to him, then going out with his old friends who had just arrived in Canada as they flew straight from Spain until 10 pm with literally no chance for being able to rest. And finally, he could have it, and there he was, laying down peacefully cuddling his lovely cat, talking sleepily to her.

  
Things with Yuzuru didn't change much since his apology the day before. It was technically the same, only it was officialized that he had let him go and he wouldn't interrupt his life anymore. And it did hurt like hell. Added his terrible appearance that made Brian suspicious. He knew that his coach knew there was something troubling him, more or less. Brian was an expert observer. Even Brian probably understood him better than he himself. Only he was thankful that his coach didn't bring it up after practice.

  
There was a knock on the door. Javier's eyes flew open instantly. Who would come in this very hour? He got up, Effie quickly removed herself from his lap as she felt uncomfortable with his position. He strode to the door sleepily. As he opened the door, suddenly someone threw himself into his arms, hugging him tightly. It startled him, his sleepiness was gone. But then, that familiar scent hit his nostrils. His chest suddenly tightened at the memory of it. Slowly he brought his hands circling the other's waist, breathed in deeply as the memories began to flood in his mind.

  
"Yuzu..." he whispered.

  
Javier tightened his grip as he buried his face in the mass of black tresses. Yuzuru let out a muffled sob. Both of them was drowned too deep in embracing each other. Though, Javier's mind clouded with confusion of why Yuzuru suddenly behaved like that.

  
"Yuzu, wh-" he was at the loss of words as he felt the other man trembled against his body.

  
"Why..." Yuzuru murmured. A moment later he pulled back, hands still clutching Javier's shoulder. He looked at him hurtfully.

  
"Why did you play with my feelings?" he shook the Spaniard's shoulder, intending to make it violent but instead he did it lightly as his emotional state made his hands trembled.

  
Javier didn't understand.

  
"Yuzu..."

  
"You said to me to stay away from you. I did as you asked. But you were always close to me. What do you want...?" his last sentence came softer. His lips quivered slightly as he said that.

  
It did make Javier taken aback.

  
"But I thought you- I thought you did-"

  
"I never did it. I never took the operation. I still remember everything, dammit-" he cast his eyes down. His clutch on Javier's shoulder loosened slightly.

  
"What...?"

  
"You told me to stay away. I've sent you messages but you never replied. When you replied you said that to me."

  
"Yuzu, you have to believe-"

  
"When I read your reply, I didn't know what to do... It was painful. I didn't have any more option to remove the pain, except to take surgery. Then I thought if erasing my feelings for you will be able to heal it besides surgery. I tried to do it, and so with that, I could heal it myself, and I could also do what you wanted me to do. And I promised myself not to disturb your life anymore. But you were always close, you kept showing me your kindness and affection like before."

  
Javier was at a loss for words.

  
"I tried so hard to ignore you. To not care about you, and it worked. But then you looked hurt and it was hard to ignore you so I acted coldly to cover it. And yesterday, you looked hurt. You were really hurting, right? Because of me?" Yuzuru lifted his face, his eyes searching Javier's. Hurt was evident in there. "Why, Javi? Why did you play with my feelings?"

  
Without wasting any time Javier immediately swept him in his arms. He held the younger man tightly. He was smiling, despite the tears started falling from his eyes. Yuzuru was sobbing uncontrollably, his hands hanging. Javier caressed his hair, silently hoping that it would somehow calm him. Javier had no idea how he should feel at the moment. He felt deeply guilty for ever making Yuzuru cry again, but at the same time, his heart soared. Yuzuru hadn't done any surgery, and he still remembered him completely. That explained what he had told Brian before about pain in his chest, Javier thought it was the effect of the surgery or something like that.

  
"You know what, I've found out your messages two weeks after. It was my girlfriend who found them first. And she replied it. I know you won't believe what I said, I was a jerk to you. But whatever it is, I'm so sorry. For everything, for hurting your feelings, for putting you through so many pain. I'm so sorry."

  
Yuzuru let out a loud sob. "You're so bad."

  
Javier laughed humourlessly, though, a great relief filled his mind and heart.

  
"I'm so sorry. It's all my fault," he continued caressing his slightly damp hair, probably from the rain outside.

  
"Why didn't you just call me?"

  
"I didn't want to interrupt..."

  
"You don't know how much I missed you like crazy. I miss you, I really miss you," Javier's voice wavered, thick with tears.

  
Then Yuzuru's turn to laugh between his sobs.

  
"I miss you too, Javi..." he said softly.

  
They hugged for like an eternity, savoring the feels they hadn't felt for a quite long time. Javier pulled away first, but not entirely letting go of Yuzuru. His hands stayed around the younger man's neck. He smiled fondly at the sight of Yuzuru wiping his tears with his palms, covering his entire face with them. The latter seemed to be too absorbed in it and still letting out faint sobs.

  
"Hey," Javier removed his hands gently, uncovering his face, causing Yuzuru to look up and met his warm gaze. Javier chuckled upon watching his puffy eyes and red nose. Looking at smiling Javier somehow was making Yuzuru shy. He smiled blearily and cast his eyes down once more.

  
Javier reached out his hand to brush his raven hair from his face. He leaned his forehead against his, sighed contentedly.

  
"You have no idea what you've made me feel right now," Javier whispered, he couldn't stop smiling.

  
Yuzuru put one of his hands on Javier's nape, his thumb caressing it softly.

  
"It's not a dream, isn't it?"

  
Yuzuru just shook his head and chuckled, and once more hid his face in Javier's shoulder, with the Spaniard cradling his head gently.

  
The rain outside seemed to get heavier. As they both pulled away, Javier looked at him.

  
"Stay here," he said softly.

  
Yuzuru looked hesitate.

  
"I'll text your mom. It's late. And still raining outside. Stay here with me."

  
"Okay."

  
And he did.

  
Javier texted Yumi, telling her that Yuzuru was with him, and she replied not long after, saying her gratitude and asking him to look after Yuzuru for the night, which Javier gladly accepted.

  
They spent the night laying on his bed next to each other, petting Effie as she settled between them. She purred softly, feeling comfortable with Yuzuru's touch. They were laying on their side, face to face. Javier had never thought he could feel that content just by looking at Yuzuru and his cat cuddling. They didn't talk, both were comfortable with the silence.

 

  
\------

 

  
It was around 3 am. The formerly heavy rain seemed to be subsided into a drizzle. Yuzuru was awakened. He sat up slightly, propping his elbow. He looked around, adjusting his vision in the dim-lighted room. He wasn't in his own room for sure. Turning his head to his left, he quickly remembered everything when he saw Javier, sleeping soundly beside him. Effie seemed to move behind him as he felt something furry on the back of his arm. Smiling slightly, he reached out his hand to pet the cat briefly.

  
He laid down again, this time on his side. He looked at Javier, observing him. His heart beat faster the more he looked. He noticed how long his lashes were. They did accentuate his already pretty eyes when they were opened. He noticed how his lips opened slightly in his sleep. He noticed his faint stubble. He noticed everything despite the dim light.

  
Yuzuru knew his feelings for that man hadn't changed at all. That damned message reply from Javier literally didn't do anything to diminish his feelings. It kept growing and really pained him, before eventually knowing that it wasn't Javier who replied it. And now that everything was clear, he had no doubt anymore. He had never admitted that he was in love before. It was just "I have feelings" or "I like" for him, but now, he was sure to admit that he was in love with Javier.

  
He timidly reached out his hand to cup Javier's cheek. His thumb caressing it softly. He blushed at the thought of their close proximity. If he had a courage, he would've kissed him already. Yet, he didn't. Not to mention he had a girlfriend.

  
He was lost in thoughts, not realizing that Javier was awake. The Spaniard was watching him, with a gentle smile adorned his face.

  
"You awake?" Javier asked softly, breaking Yuzuru out of his reverie.

  
"Yes," he whispered.

  
Javier held his gaze, couldn't help but smiling softly. Yuzuru looked so delicate.

  
"Sorry I wake you," he looked away shyly and was going to pull his hand away from his face, yet Javier didn't let him. He clasped his hand over Yuzuru's, holding it gently.

  
"Don't."

  
Yuzuru automatically returned his gaze towards him. He got butterflies in his stomach at the way Javier stared at him. Those affectionate look. Javier slowly leaned in, diminishing the gap between them. Their noses touching. Yuzuru gasped softly upon the contact, instinctively closing his eyes. Javier slowly unclasped his hand from Yuzuru's, moving it to his waist instead. He pulled him closer and within a few seconds, their lips touched.

  
It was gentle. Both of them poured their feelings into that kiss. Yuzuru brought his hand to touch Javier's nape, while Javier's still rested on his waist. Everything seemed to happen in a slow motion. Yuzuru timidly moved his lips, trying to match Javier's movement. There was no rush at all, and Javier always kept it gentle. It felt so surreal for Yuzuru, having the one he always dreamed of kissing him with such gentleness.

  
That was Yuzuru's first real kiss. His first ever kiss was when he was in junior high school, with his classmate. Only, it was barely a peck. The boy who did it had confessed that he liked him. And at that time he still didn't understand about that stuff, so he just let him. It was a long time ago. Now, the position was somehow inverted. He was kissing his training mate, who happened to be the one he was in love with, only, it was Javier who started first.

  
Javier smiled between the kiss, earning a smile in return from Yuzuru. It felt surreal for Javier too. It was just a day after he was sure he was going to let go and not to interrupt Yuzuru's life again, and then the next day he was already kissing him. He felt terrible for being an inconsistent ass, nevertheless, he was happy. Really happy.

  
They kissed for quite a long time, before eventually parting as both had to catch their breath. Their foreheads still touching, with smiles adorning their faces, minds hazy.

  
"Javi..." Yuzuru whispered, hand caressing the Spaniard's hair.

  
"What is it?" Javier's voice sounded a bit husky, still hazy because of the kiss.

  
"You have girlfriend. We shouldn't do this."

  
Javier chuckled. He reached out his hand to softly touch the younger man's face.

  
"I broke up with her."

  
"Why?" Yuzuru asked innocently, probably the daze of the kiss hadn't worn off yet.

  
"Do you really have to ask?"

  
"No..."

  
"I just didn't wanna hurt her feelings more."

  
"Is she okay?"

  
"She is now."

  
They were silent, looking at each other. Javier kept his hand there on Yuzuru's cheek, still caressing it. He still perfectly remembered how soft it was the last time he touched it. Then, his fingers trailed down, tracing the other's lips. The tension increased slightly as he heard Yuzuru's breath hitched. He stared into his eyes asking for permission. And then he started leaning forward as the younger man closed his eyes as a permission. He captured his lips once more and drowned in the kiss.

  
Not until a minute, Yuzuru broke the kiss and sat up abruptly, one hand covering his mouth. Javier quickly registered what was going on. He rapidly took a few sheets of tissue paper on the nightstand and clutched them, removed Yuzuru's hand from his mouth and put his own hand there instead. Just as he had anticipated, Yuzuru coughed, and he seemed to be choked on his breathing a few times. A deja vu, Javier thought sadly. Of course, he was happy and relieved upon finding out Yuzuru hadn't gotten the surgery, but he also forgot the fact that it meant the hanahaki was still there. He saw the way Yuzuru shut his eyes tightly, wincing in pain, and he could feel his eyes watering.

  
The cough stopped. Slowly, Javier pulled the bloodied tissue paper. There, the red-tinted white sakura petals, camouflaged with the blood. Yuzuru was still catching his breath. Eyes still closed.

  
"Sorry you see it again," Yuzuru said breathlessly.

  
"I'm sorry," Javier touched his forehead to Yuzuru's temple, gathering the Japanese man in his arms. That guilty feeling came again, now along with the hope that once had disappeared, the hope to be able to fix everything.

  
"Does it hurt?" the Spaniard asked hesitantly.

  
_'Of course it hurts, you idiot',_ Javier thought. He felt stupid.

  
Yuzuru shook his head lightly. "Not as much as before."

  
"I'm so sorry, Yuzu."

  
When he pulled away, he took a tissue paper and wiped the smear of blood on Yuzuru's lips. He couldn't define his own feelings after witnessing Yuzuru's breakdown for the third time, though, the sense of loss was still there. After taking him to bathroom, to help him clean up, they laid back, this time Javier was holding him closely.

  
"Now sleep," Javier said with a really soft tone bordering on whispering.

  
"Thank you, Javi," the other replied using the same tone.

  
A few minutes passed in silence. Only the sound of the rain outside filled the air. Then Yuzuru spoke.

  
"Javi.."

  
"Hmm?"

  
"I think I might be in love with you."

  
Javier grabbed his hand and intertwined his fingers with his. He smiled softly. He was willing to fix everything, no matter what he should do and how long it would take.

  
"I think I might be in love with you too, Yuzu."

 

 

~~~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it!
> 
> I can breathe in relief at last :D  
> I'm glad tho, finally I can make both of them happy x''D  
> Though there's still a little angst haha
> 
> Hope the next chapter will be up soon!
> 
> Thank you for reading! ^^


	19. The Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after, Yumi's and Brian's approval

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. It's me again :)
> 
> This is the next chapter.  
> I think I won't put another angst, I'm done of making them miserable, haha.
> 
>  
> 
> Happy reading :)
> 
> Cass

Javier woke up to a bright light from the window. He blinked wearily, slowly adjusting his eyes with the brightness. He reached his phone on the nightstand, pressing its power button to turn the screen on. It was 9.45 am. He got up and stretched, finally feeling refreshed. Boy, that was such a good sleep after months of not experiencing one. The feeling of waking up after a good long sleep was so refreshing. Not to mention he had a very decent company. Speaking of company, he immediately recalled the last night event. It was ironic though, that someone who became the reason of his sleeping problem for weeks had magically healed it in just one night, and he felt grateful to Yuzuru for ever coming there last night.

 

Yuzuru was nowhere to be seen. Javier assumed the younger man had left already. A bit disappointed feeling settled on him. He still wanted to see him, to hold him before he left. Guess he had to wait for the next practice to see him again.

 

But then the sound of shower running followed by a cough popped up, breaking him out of his small thoughts, shooing the disappointment away.

 

'So, he's still here.' 

 

He walked to the sink outside the bathroom to do his morning routine - washing his face and brushing his teeth. Then he started tidying up his bed, pillows, and blanket. Smiling slightly as he touched the pillow, the one Yuzuru had used. It was silly teenager thought, he knew. Though, he still let it linger in his mind, claiming it to be normal as the effect of an euphoric feeling upon last night event.

 

Not long after, the shower sound stopped. The bathroom door opened to reveal Yuzuru's half dressed form. He walked towards the chair where he put his t-shirt. He was unaware of Javier's eyes on him before he turned his head around as he heard Effie's meowing. There she was, on the bed, on Javier's lap, with the latter petting her. Their eyes met. And that moment, Yuzuru suddenly felt shy. He used to be half naked like that in front of Javier when he changed his training clothes, but it felt different now, after what had happened previously. Not to mention the Spaniard's deep gaze on him.

 

Javier noticed the way he blushed. He found himself feeling his face heated up. His breath hitched slightly at the sight of the younger man's petite half naked figure. It was new. He had never had a problem for having Yuzuru being like that around him before. Yes, before, before everything changed.

 

Yuzuru looked away and tentatively snatched his t-shirt. He thought Javier was still asleep. Should've taken off the shirt inside bathroom - he told himself. He turned around, so his back facing Javier. He quickly put it on and shook all the thoughts. He was just being silly.

 

When he turned around, Javier was still looking at him, only with softer gaze. He patted the spot beside him, offering Yuzuru to sit there. And the latter did, a bit shyly.

 

"Hey," Javier greeted softly.

 

"Hmm," the other replied, with the same tone.

 

Javier tilted his head, reaching out his hand to brush Yuzuru's bangs. Slowly he felt a rush of affection flooding his heart upon seeing the other closed his eyes at the contact.

 

"You okay?"

 

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

 

"Nothing. Just want to ask."

 

"I thought you're still asleep."

 

"I'm not."

 

They didn't talk, just staring at each other in an comfortable silence. Javier's hand moved from brushing the bangs into cupping the other's cheek. His thumb caressed the undereye softly. Scooting closer, the Spaniard touched his forehead with Yuzuru's, his hand stayed.

 

Nothing could tell how Yuzuru felt at the moment. It did feel like a dream, even he still often wondered whether it was real or just his imagination, because of how surreal all of it was for him. No matter what he had been through, how hard life was for him before he reached this point, it didn't change his love for Javier. It was still the same. And now that Javier had returned his feelings, it started to grow deeper.

 

"Yuzu," Javier whispered.

 

"Hmm?"

 

"What are we?" he pulled his hand from Yuzuru's face.

 

"What?"

 

"Us. Things have changed between us."

 

"We can stay like this."

 

"Friends don't do this, Yuzu."

 

"I know."

 

He actually didn't really care about it. Their romantic feelings for each other wouldn't change anything. They still remained friends. And he liked constant things in his life, aside from his skating of course - it was the only thing that doesn't have the 'constant' word on his life dictionary. He felt like there was no need to rush everything, as it was just a beginning of a new stage of their relationship. He just wanted to savor every moment of them together, while healing himself, and also letting Javier healing himself. He knew the latter was hurting too.

 

"We don't have to be anything yet, Javi. We just start. Also, you've just broken up with your girlfriend. I think it will make you a bad boy if you ask me to be your boyfriend already," he chuckled.

 

Javier didn't respond, just smiled slightly.

 

"I just- we're both still hurting. I want to enjoy everything, while letting myself heal. And I think, you need to heal yourself too, Javi. You're hurt too. When we both feel that we're ready, we can step forward. We're just friends who happens to have feelings for each other."

 

Both of them pulled away. Yuzuru noticed how Javier's face fell a little at his words. 

 

"Doesn't mean I don't want to be your boyfriend, baka," he pinched the older man's cheek, which automatically made Javier smiled.

 

He held both Javier's hands, making the Spaniard looked at him again. Squeezing it softly, he then spoke.

 

"Whatever it is, I want to stay close to you. We'll heal together, okay?" 

 

"Okay," Javier squeezed back the younger man's hands. A sincere smile plastered on his face. He let himself release his pessimism. After all, he was the one who had promised himself to fix everything, no matter how long and whatever it would take. He shouldn't feel disappointed about it.

 

Yuzuru laid his head on Javier's shoulder, with the Spaniard's hand intertwined with his own. A smile formed on his lips as he felt a pair of lips on his forehead.

 

"I want to stay like this a little longer," Yuzuru said.

 

"Then stay."

 

"I can't."

 

"Why?"

 

"I have something to do with my mom."

 

"Does your mom pick you up?"

 

"No, don't want to bother her."

 

They were silent, squeezing each other's hand. None of them wished it to end. Even Effie was now settling herself on Yuzuru's lap, as if she didn't want him to leave. But he had to.

 

"I should go now," he untangled himself from Javier, and gently removed Effie from his lap while rubbing her.

 

"You prepare now. I'll call for cab."

 

While waiting for Javier to call a cab, Yuzuru got dressed and fixed his appearance. He wore his black hoodie as the finalizing.

 

"The cab will be here in five minutes, you ready?" Javier asked, turning around to look at him.

 

"Yes."

 

He, a bit unwillingly, walked to the door to find his sneakers, when Javier held his hand and pulled him. He just chuckled, and brought himself closer to the Spaniard, facing him.

 

"You're not going to say goodbye?" Javier whispered.

 

"Not yet."

 

He looked at the him, smiling at the sight of a little shy Yuzuru.

 

"Take care, Yuzu."

 

"You too."

 

They were in a staring contest. None of them seemed to let themselves lose in it. But then, it was Yuzuru who gave in first. He looked away, feeling his knees buckled at the sight Javier looking at him with such affection and want. Not until five seconds later, Javier was already kissing him, and he immediately brought his hand to touch Javier's nape. The kiss was pretty much the same with the one they did last time. Gentle, and slow-paced.

 

Yuzuru didn't know that kissing Javier could be that addictive. He found himself wanting to do it again after he bid his goodbye for the second time. And they did it again, this time it was Yuzuru who initiated, of course Javier didn't mind. He gladly let the younger man do it first. Their hands intertwined between it.

 

After the nth time kisses, they finally pulled away. Yuzuru proceeded to leave, yet Javier wouldn't release his hands. The idea of cancelling the cab and his mother's request to accompany her, and also staying with Javier was very tempting at the moment, but he wasn't the one who likes to break a promise, and he had already promise her. So, he had to leave.

 

"Bye," he whispered.

 

"Bye," Javier eventually released his hands, and watching Yuzuru's retreating figure disappeared behind the door.

 

He laughed silently once he closed the door, leaning against it.

 

"What have you done to me, Yuzu?"

 

 

\------

 

 

"I'm home."

 

"Yuzu-kun."

 

"Hi, Mom," he greeted his mother and gave her a brief hug.

 

"How was your night?" she asked.

 

Yuzuru blushed slightly at the question. He was immediately reminded by what he had done with Javier last night.

 

"It was good."

 

"Javi-kun sent me a message last night. You were with him?"

 

"Yes. It was late and the rain was heavy, so he didn't let me go home," he answered, smiling absentmindedly as he recalled everything. And it didn't go unnoticed by his mother.

 

"Ah, so that is."

 

Taking off his hoodie and placing it on a vacant chair, he followed his mother to the kitchen.

 

"What are you making, Mom?" he asked, curious upon looking at her bustling here and there.

 

"Your favorite tofu dish."

 

"Really? Can I help?"

 

She was actually a bit suspicious - in a good way - with his drastic change of mood. The previous day, he was in a foul mood, and barely smiling. Now, he practically couldn't stop smiling. Even if he tried to conceal it, she would've known. Her son was in a really good mood.

 

"You wanna help?" she asked, amusedly.

 

"If you let me."

 

"Ah, sure, then. Can you get some plates for me?"

 

"Okay," he immediately did what she asked.

 

Yumi just shook her head, amused at her son's enthusiasm. Though, she was really glad for finally seeing him that happy.

 

"Here. Are these enough?"

 

"Yes. Thanks, Yuzu-kun," she said as she took them from his hand.

 

She continued her activity, now with Yuzuru beside her, leaning over the counter to see whatever she was doing. He occasionally asked anything related to what she was doing, though she knew he didn't really listen to her answer.

 

"What's up with that cheeriness of yours?" she inquired, smirking subtly.

 

The smile on his face quickly went away, replaced with a flat expression and a light blush on his cheeks. Though, she perfectly knew he was still restraining his smile.

 

"It's nothing, Mom."

 

"Ah, being so secretive now are we?"

 

Yuzuru bent his head, his smile reappeared.

 

"What's wrong with being cheery?" he tried to defend himself but failed miserably as the full wide smile etched on his face upon seeing her teasing smirk. Still, he never gave up and keep trying hard to restrain it.

 

"Mom!"

 

"Okay, okay," she averted her gaze, back to focusing on her cooking. "So you're not going to tell me?"

 

"It's really nothing, Mom. Nothing important."

 

"Did Javi-kun finally ask you to be his boyfriend?" 

 

That was straightforward, that undoubtedly making Yuzuru embarrassed and blushed again. Javier didn't ask him directly, but still, they'd talked about things that related to that. So, her suspicion was not completely wrong.

 

"What? No, Mom."

 

"Well, even if he did, I would've agreed."

 

The younger Japanese stared at her, surprised. He didn't expect her to say those words. He always thought that his parents were always contradicted about that thing.

 

"You- you okay, if I'm with Javi?" he asked reluctantly.

 

She turned her head to look at him, smiling. "Yes. Javi-kun is a good man. I'm sure he will take a good care of you."

 

He just smiled, the type of smile that made his eyes disappear. She knew it was a sincere smile, indicating that he was genuinely happy, and she returned it.

 

"So, you and Javi-kun?"

 

He rubbed his nape, a bit nervously.

 

"Umm.. not really, Mom. We just- confessed. That's all," he didn't spill everything, of course.

 

"Does he have the same feelings?"

 

"Yes."

 

"So that was why you refused the surgery," she smiled tenderly. Her son had been so stubborn about it, no matter how many times she pleaded him to change his mind. He always said he still had a faith in it. And now, it was paid off.

 

"You knew it was him, then?" he asked.

 

"When it was revealed that you have hanahaki, I just knew. Those flowers are for him. I always knew. You're easy to read, Yuzu-kun, even before that. And Javi-kun made it obvious that he has a thing for you too."

 

"You really okay with it, Mom?"

 

"Yes, Yuzu-kun. As long as you're happy, I'll support you no matter what."

 

"Thanks, Mom. Thank you so much," he stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her. He giggled happily, that never failed bringing a smile on her face. That was what matters the most for her, after witnessing what he had been through, to see her son happy and smiling. Just like that.

 

 

\------

 

 

Yuzuru and Javier didn't meet until next two days, at the training. Brian was there, along with Tracy, and both of them noticed something different about those two skaters. Just like how they usually behaved, only now they talked to each other, even only very little. This time, the tension between them was gone. No more hard stares from Yuzuru, and no more sullen gazes from Javier. Their eyes were all soft.

 

It was at the stroking practice. Tracy was handling them, she watched them skate side by side. Many times she caught both Javier and Yuzuru exchanging glances, with small smiles spread on their faces whenever their gazes met. The atmosphere was light and comfortable, that she found herself really enjoyed the training with them.

 

As for both skaters, that was the first time they felt no pressure doing practice. They enjoyed each other's presence. Their minds were at peace, something that previously always burdened them was no longer there. They were able to concentrate, though, not completely, of course.

 

Javier, as it had become his nature to be flirty and handsy, often teased Yuzuru on the ice, just like he usually did before. It was just a subtle teasing. He would intentionally brushed his hand with Yuzuru's as he skated past him. When they gathered on the rink side to receive Brian's and Tracy's instructions, he would touch his waist, and let his hand linger there for a few seconds. Or also, he would touch his nape when both coaches looking at somewhere else. Yuzuru always blushed at those contacts, and he cursed himself as he never reacted to them that way before. It was distracting for him. And added the fact that Javier quickly noticed the change of the way Yuzuru reacted, that he blushed easily even at the slightest contact, he loved teasing him more. And he wasn't aware that it was distracting him too.

 

As the practice was ended, both skaters were still in locker room, packing their things after they finished showering. Sitting side by side, they did a little talk, while waiting for Yuzuru's mother to pick him up. They were chatting quite animatedly when they unintentionally brushed each other's back of hands. Even with such a light touch, it was enough to make them fall silent. Yuzuru linked their hands together, his gaze was on somewhere else, not daring to look at Javier who was looking at him really affectionately. The Spaniard smiled. It wasn't the first time he did that but he was still shy - he thought.

 

Then, Yuzuru's phone rang. He unlinked their hands and dug his pocket to take his phone. It was his mother calling and he quickly answer. He spoke in Japanese (of course, duh!) and it was just a brief talk. Javier assumed, she must've arrived already. And he was right. Yuzuru stood up swiftly and gathered his bag, slinging it to his shoulder. He bid his goodbye to Javier, and just before he finished his words, Javier had already kissed him, instantly silenced him.

 

"Take care," Javier whispered between the kiss, with lips still touching Yuzuru's.

 

"You too," the other replied. He moaned softly as Javier bit his lower lip, causing him to loop his free hand around Javier's neck and deepen the kiss.

 

"Hey, your Mom's waiting," Javier was actually afraid that he would lose control, that was why he ended it.

 

Yuzuru pulled away first, a bit reluctantly. He looked up to see Javier's hazy face, just like his.

 

"Bye."

 

"Bye."

 

Yuzuru finally left, and Javier resumed his packing. He put his training attire and his boots in his bag. While wearing his sneakers, he couldn't help but grinning like a mad man, his mind still hazy. Though, it didn't last long, as he felt another presence in the room and his smile faltered a little bit. It was Brian. He saw the coach strode closer and sat beside him.

 

"Hi, Brian," Javier greeted, smiling politely.

 

"Hi to you too. You alone? Yuzu left already?"

 

"Yes. He has something to do with his mother. So he left first."

 

Brian just nodded understandingly. "So, I guess things have worked between you and him?" 

 

Javier looked away for a few seconds, then returned his gaze to the coach. "Yeah, I think."

 

Brian noticed how his pupil's gaze turned softer at the mention of Yuzuru. And the smile, it was very fond, and Brian was having a silly thought that maybe his Spanish skater was born to smile because of how often he smiled.

 

"I hope whatever change it is, it will bring a better effect for both of you. We'll support you and Yuzu," Brian said in fatherly manner.

 

Javier blushed slightly. "Thanks, Brian. I hope so too."

 

He was a bit in a loss of words, he didn't completely focus on responding Brian.

 

"But you two have to stay focused on your skating."

 

Javier nodded. "Yes, sure."

 

"I wish we could talk more, we haven't had a talk about your progress but I have something to do right now. And I guess you're tired too. So I think we could arrange it later."

 

The Spaniard nodded. He was thankful, though. He wasn't in the mood to talk and Brian understood. "Sure, coach."

 

"Oh, and Javi, news travel fast here. Don't forget to close and lock the door if you don't want someone walks in when you're doing thing. Or consider doing such act somewhere more private," the coach smirked. He patted Javier's back and then left with a wink.

 

That successfully made Javier blushed. That was why Brian knew. He was careless, and his coach had seen them.

 

Shaking the thoughts, he quickly gathered his things and left.

 

~~~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it :)
> 
>  
> 
> Actually, I'm thinking of discontinuing this story...


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